Is this progress?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Is this progress?
5
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 1:31pm

Hi everybody! I'm into about 2 weeks of LC (we work together), and have been having lots of dramatic ups and downs, but luckily the downs were buffered a little bit by a girls trip out of town I recently took, which distracted me and enabled me to actually have a little FUN...so that was good!

But I have a question for the community about progress and how we view our exAPs. In the past when I would attempt LC/NC, I eventually found myself reeled back into the A, partially because I still idolized exAP so much. I thought nonstop about how wonderful of a man he is, how much I love him, how talented he is, etc. etc. Now, I simply can't wait for the day we no longer work together and that I can never see his face or hear his voice again. I have lost all respect for him because I now see him as a sad, miserable liar...and I even feel sorry for his wife and family for suffering through his misery and deceit. I still feel a lot of anger...a LOT of anger. I guess my question is, do you think this is progress? I mean, I know it might not be totally healthy to feel so much bitterness about him and our relationship...but at least I'm no longer idolizing and romanticizing him, right? In the past, he would feed me lines about how he couldn't live without me, and how I factored into all of his decisions regarding his life; now I see right through it, and realize how untrue it all is, and know that he was playing me all along, saying whatever he needed to say to get me to stick around.

And for anyone about to tell me I should redirect my anger toward myself and be introspective rather than overanalyze my exAP...trust me, that's happening too. I have my first therapy session scheduled for later this week, and while I'm nervous, I'm very relieved that I can finally start to move on from this. While I am angry at him for everything that's happened between us, I'm equally angry at myself for getting swept away by all of it.

So...is this progress?

Thanks for listening and hope everyone is doing well this Tuesday

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 3:29pm
SD,

The fog is clearing, Silverdoe, and this is DEFINITELY progress. As you said, you are no longer idolizing or romanticizing him. Those rose colored glasses have fallen off and you are starting to see the real JAM. It's okay to have anger right now toward him and yourself, so use it to fuel your energy for staying in strict LC, as this can be very exhausting the first few months.

Kudos on the up and coming therapy session. This is another huge step in the right direction. It sounds to me like you are walking the walk, honey, and a few months down the road from now you are going to be in much a better place, emotionally and physically.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 4:45pm

Absolutely, Silver. It sounds like you are making excellent progress at two weeks NC. By being able to see the whole affair for what it was--a selfish decietful act of betrayal on two people's part--instead of romanticising it as some love affair, is huge progress this early in the game. Good for you!!!

How much longer do you have to work together? It will definitely be easier when he's not around to remind you of the way you behaved. More importantly, it will be good to be away from any temptations his presence may evoke.

I remember the day I realized

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 5:31pm

Thank you both for your responses. It's reassuring to know that I am on the right path, even though my seething anger definitely gets the better of me at times. This is definitely something I plan on speaking to my therapist about, as it has been a recurring problem in my life.

Always, to answer your question about how long we have to work together...indefinitely, unfortunately. We also sit right next to each other, so I hear and see every movement, every word, every sigh, every IM with other people (female "friends"), every tap of the keyboard. This entire situation has brought me to brink of nervous breakdown, and I've been calling in "sick" more than I ought to, just because there are days when I feel like I literally cannot take it anymore, and that I will freak out and lose it very publicly if I am forced to sit with him another day. Moving my desk is also not really an option.

ExAP also has a picture of his W on his desk, so in essence I see her every day. I also see her out and about in the community at times, and it is heart-wrenching and utterly depressing. Although my feelings range from hatred toward her for "keeping me from" him, to outright pity to desperate curiosity about their homelife. All of them = sick. I want to be indifferent to her AND him.

Within the last week I had resolved to put in my notice in an effort to preserve my sanity, though I have nothing lined up. However, my marriage is very, very much on the rocks and I'm also worried about needing to remain gainfully employed lest my H and I decide to separate.

It's very terrible Catch-22, and I can't figure out what to do :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 5:46pm
Your mental and physical health is of the utmost importance right now. Your M is rocky because niether of you have been in healthy frames of mind--you because of what you've been doing and your H because he knows something is amiss. Once you are far enough out and the fog has lifted, you will be healthy enough to work on your M. Counceing would be a good idea.

Iddy will tell you of the health impacts when having to work with xAP. If you can't quit your job, you must see if there's a way to move away from him so you don't have to be in his immediate presence. Is working from home an option? Find some way to protect your well being.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 10:59am

I could quit my job, but I would have nothing to fall back on. Unfortunately, working from home is not an option. I agree that to be able to assess my marriage with a clear head, I need to be away from exAP. However, there are so many things wrong with my marriage, namely the fact that I'm no longer sexually attracted to my H, that I'm worried I'll get myself into a situation where I'm separating/divorcing AND unemployed. Then what?

I am thinking my H might leave me soon. I've put him through hell for the last two years while I've been sneaking behind his back. I can't satisfy his sexual needs anymore. I make him feel bad for not being a good enough "provider," (H is a struggling artist type) which is, I think, part of why I was initially attracted to exAP (which probably makes me a bad, bad feminist, but whatever). We have a lot of deep, simmering problems. I can only expect him to sit by and suffer for so long. I'm not even sure I love him anymore, and I think I've sufficiently pushed him to the point he might not love me either.

Sometimes I want to pick up and leave this town and move to another city by myself and start over. Anyone ever do that?