Progress or Regress?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Progress or Regress?
7
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 6:54pm


I thought I was doing so well. We have continued to talk with a little bit of flirting. When it came right down to it though I was the one turning him down! YAY! Kudos for me. I thought I was finally starting to heal.

Two days ago he invited me to go to a concert with him. I accepted. When he called to confirm he was quite distant and almost cold. Basically he thought I would be getting a room and staying over after the concert. When I told him I would be going home after it was over, the plans changed. No longer did he want to meet me right after his lunch appointment, he wanted to meet at 5 o clock. (no sense seeing me earlier if he wasn't going to get some, right?)

After beating myself up about it and wondering why I was putting myself through this I sent him an e mail of all e mails. I was very to the point and let him know how I feel. I would not be going to the concert and I told him that I can no longer let myself be used by him or set myself up for him to hurt me YET AGAIN.

So thats progress right? So why am I so badly wanting to call him or e mail and appologize. I know everything I said in the e mail was true. I know I have nothing to appologize for! So why am I feeling so lonely and alone again? I was really hoping we could be friends. Funny thing is I would never let my friends treat me as badly as he does! I guess NC is really the only way to go. I just need to find the strength not to go crawling back. When he's missing me I am so OK. When he ignores me I fall apart.

I have posted a few times and come daily reading everyone elses stories. I see how much strength there is here. I just need to find a little bit of that for myself. Anyhow I know I am just thinking out loud but I wanted to say "thank you" to everyone for sharing :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:26pm

needingtoendit

I would say it is progress, everyone has to arrive at the point were they say NO MORE PAIN by traveling on there own path.

Your learning the things you need to learn to put this person behind you forever, expect a few bumps on the road but you will get to your destination sooner or later just about everyone does.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:35pm


Thanks Free. I really am trying to get there. I just wish all of those "bumps" in the road didn't hurt so much. I guess that old saying is true....no pain no gain! Funny how its so much easier when I know he's suffering!!

I actually had to look up the definition of regress after I posted....LOL

Definition: returning to a former state
the reasoning involved when you assume the conclusion is true and reason backward to the evidence
go back to bad behavior; "Those who recidivate are often minor criminals"
get worse; fall back to a previous or worse condition
go back to a previous state; "We reverted to the old rules"
go back to a statistical means

The bad behaviour and previous worse condition really stands out. So today I'm moving ahead...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:06pm

<< When he's missing me I am so OK. When he ignores me I fall apart. >>

I SOOOO know how this goes!!! I just posted yesterday how I thought I was losing those "loving" feelings for xMM but I'm now thinking that it's only because I know he misses me and still wants me, even though he knows I won't see him. Because every time I doubt his feelings for me I feel like I love him so much. I guess that has something to do with feeling rejected. Do we really want our MM or do we just want them to want us???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:32pm

"Funny thing is I would never let my friends treat me as badly as he does!"


I know exactly how you feel. I let my xOM treat me terribly at times just because I didn't want to lose him. And I said exactly that to him, I would never let a friend treat me like this, why do I do this?


Ironically I thought his love and affection made me feel good about myself. I thought it improved my self esteem! I was so blind! In reality his inconsiderate treatment of me chipped away at what little self esteem I had left, after wrecking it myself by behaving in a manner I found abhorrent. (lying, cheating, blah blah blah)


Most guys start out talking friendship with the intent of putting us in a position where we will do more. Remember what their ultimate goal is(sex) and keep that in mind.


You were very strong today! KUDOS!


Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:40pm

Oh god....not so strong at all. He just e mailed me. This was the last line of his e mail...

that's it, I am sorry it ended this way, friends for life can't work with jealousies

I am so pissed, but I'm also dying inside. Its such a blurr but I sent something back with I'm sorry you feel this way, I promised to always be your friend so if you change your mind you know where to find me. I sent it about 10 minutes ago and have checked for replies about 10 times already. How pathetic is that?? I hate myself for replying....that was my chance to just leave it how things were. I didn't think I could hurt anymore.....how much more can my heart handle? God this sucks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:42pm

<<<>>>

Wow! I think you just asked a million dollar question that is quite baffling, and a good one, I may add. For the longest time my XMM always was desireous of me, spilling his wants and needs continuosly. The more he told me how sexy I was, the more I wanted him. After several years it's only understandable that these desires should wane, but because we always had to steel moments to be together, the actual time alone probably would have only added up to several months in a normal relationship. Think about it. No wonder we always want more, need more, cry for more. Exactly how much quality time do we really get? So in the mean time,the cycle continues; He wants, you give, you want, he gives whatever few minutes he can. It sucks! I think when I finally realised that I no longer wanted him was when the intensity of the affair began to simmer. Becoming comfortable is more like having an old pair of shoes, something that defies the excitment of an affair. It's really quite twisted.

You brought up a great point, though. We have a thinker on the board!!

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 2:24pm

Man, I can feel your anxiety from this post.

sc