progress reports

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
progress reports
6
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:15pm

Hi Everyone,

About a year ago, I began reading and posting on the My AFfair Board, then during the past summer, I reached the point that this Endings Board was what I needed. I haven't posted here in quite a wuile although I do still lurk and post a little if I think my experiences can help anyone else. Thanks to this Board, I was able to successfully end my three year A. with my coworker. I have been officially A Free since August 3, 2004. I think back now at how far I have come in just one year and it is amazing. Last year at this time I was so confused, guilty, an emotional wreck, being manipulated by the MM. To all of you out there still struggling with the Ending process, I can honestly say that this board helped me tremendously. Listen to those who give the good hard core common sense advice. It does work.

I was wondering if there are any other of us veteran Ending people still around and would you like to share your feelings since the ending. Since August, I have had mostly days where I moved forward. Not having the emotional turmoil of the A has given me more energy to spend on my marriage and my freidns and family and I feel like a new person. It has not all been easy. I have had some bad days. My path was made a little easier because XMM who worked right beside me, was offered another job out of my office and chose to take it in October. Since then however, he has tried tactics to contine contact with me. I have resisted his efforts, but it is upsetting for a day or two, then I get myself back on the right track and make a point to do something fun with my DH and I'm fine. If XMM had continued to work with me, I know it would have been much more difficult for me. Sometimes I do miss him. Not the intimate part of the A, but I just miss how he and I could connect. How we could make one another laugh and we did have some good times, but the A ruined that part and there is not going back. Overall, he was very bad for me and I count my blessings that I was able to stop the A without too much damage to any onnocent people namely my H and his W.

I just wanted to post this to let others know that recovery from the A is possible and life can be good again. Sometimes it isn't easy, but the effort of letting the A go is well worth it. I am happier and more content with myself, my H, and life in general than I have been in over three years.
If any other long time lurkers and posters have comments or experiences to share, please do so. I would like to hear from some of you who helped me through those hard times.
Take care and be strong, everyone.
IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:33pm
Thank you for your post! I am the single OW who was with a MM. I broke things off in February, so I'm basically just starting this. The A started at the end of June '04 when he was separated. He moved back home in October '04 and we stopped the physical part, and tried to stop the whole thing, but the EA has lasted up until Feb when I said that I just couldn't do it anymore. Slowly going through everything, but I have hope now that things will work out for the best for me :) THIS BOARD IS AWESOME! hehe
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:18pm

thansk for sharing your success story, we all want to be there someday

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:19am

IP

That's why I love this board. All the sharing makes me feel not so much alone.
I was like you in that I'm M and was having an A with a MM. My A though was
very short. Only lasted 4 months. I ended it in November. I don't know
why, now when I look back, why I felt the need to have an A. At the time
I had tons of reasons, but now they were merely excuses for not dealing
with what life throws at you. So I'm in therepy working on myself and my M.

I'm just so glad you shared. It shows that there is hope for me. My question
to you is how did you deal with the guilt of the A. I'm assuming your H
didn't find out. Neither has mine. But I know I should carry this guilt
around, it is what I deserve. But I wanted to ask you how you dealt with it.

At the time when my A started, I lost someone dear to me, my H was borderline
verbablly abusive, and so much more. I just didn't deal with it very well,
so XMM fell in my lap when I was at my worse. Until I opened my eyes
and realized what the A was really about. That I was just running away
from everything. So, I did the best thing I could have every done and
I completely ended my A.

But picking up the pieces is hard. My H and I are in couples therepy and
boy has it helped. Why didn't I do that before I started the A? But I
can't change what I have done. I just have to see if I can have a brighter
future. I feel much better in my M now. And your post showed me that
things can work out.

Just wondering if you have any advice for someone who went down the
wrong path.

Thanks
Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 6:40pm

Luv

YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF for your mistakes and forgive your husband his as well.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 7:14pm

Luv,

Free is right. You have to forgive yourself and your H as she said. We are human and we make mistakes. I feel the guilt some even now and struggled with that issue a great deal for tthe period of the A and after ending it too. It was a mistake, the A, and I have always felt like if one makes a mistake, it is best to learn from that mistake so that we won't repeat it.
I really concentrated on what brought about my A and I have learned so much about myself and about what is important in my life.
It is an excellent idea that you are in counseling as a couple. That should help you focus on constructive ways to improve your marriage rather than focus on the guilt over something you cannot undo. Try to make something positive come from it all. Let the guilt go.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:13pm

You guys are the best. Most days I do alright and the some days like yesterday
I hate myself. But I am working on it and you guys give me hope. I see
that I can learn from my mistakes and try to build a better life for
myself and my family.

Thanks Again
Luv