A puddle after T
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A puddle after T
| Fri, 11-19-2010 - 2:45pm |
So much sadness in me. Crying for so much loss--myself, time that can never be returned, poor choices, wasted opportunities, hurts I've caused, courage I've lacked.
I spent an hour vomiting up my soul to my new T. He is going to be good for me. I am in utter despair right now. So many endings at once. I am blinded by the pain.
He said this is a critical time in my life right now...so many things have occured this past year (beyond the A) that it's like a tsunami has washed over my life and there's nothing but rubble left. He said I get to chose how I want to rebuild.
My heart is crushed and my soul is shredded. Am I ever going to be okay again? Am I ever going to be happy?

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((((hugs)))) Alwayst-
Some of what you said is very exciting!
<>
If this makes you feel any better, I have felt the very same way.
Always2
In a word, Yes, yes indeed it will get better.
(((((HUGS))))))) AlwaysT,
You know I think we cry for ourselves because WE are hurting.
Always,
I haven't been on much this last couple weeks but I do relate to so many things occuring all at once.
I have found with councelling that I feel very raw and exposed with my first few sessions and in time it becomes very cleansing and start to feel clearer in my thoughts. I liked how your T said you can chose how to rebuild, it's a very good way to think. We can start with a clean slate. It is hard work and you will feel better and happier, I think it's normal to feel tired after counselling it means we are being real and not holding back. Be kind to yourself alwayst, I am proud of you for going forward with strength and determination:)
Always,
First, so glad you finally got to see your therapist!!! I know how excited you were to get in there and GET REAL.
It really is GRUELING to give those first OUT LOUD WORDS to another human being about the TOTALITY of us at this point of arrival. Physically / Energetically - I always picture delivering my mess of a carcass
(((Alwayst))
First....(((HUGS)))
Second...I am so proud of you for taking this first HUGE step other than the ending one.
<< Am I ever going to be okay again? Am I ever going to be happy?
(((hugs)))
From the ruins, great things are re-built, re-imagined. Sometimes you gotta just let it all crumble, then take an appraisal of what all that rubble is around you and carefully pick what you'll use to re-build and what gets to remain behind. Sometimes we are soooooo scared of letting it all fall down, that we madly keep patching up the holes, but then new one's appear. Now, it's all fallen. Let that be a release to you. Let yourself feel the weight just drop. You've hit bottom. You're shouldering the full on reality of the choices you/i/we have made. Now, put yourself back together. With the help of your Therapist, and your determination, just imagine who this new person could be? With all you have learned, can't you just see how amazing your future can be? No more hiding. No more self-harm. No more. You're facing your own truth and not backing away. You should be so proud of yourself. Many others choose to hide away from their reflection. You are taking the more courageous route.
I am so proud of you,
TU.
My heartfelt thanks to all of you for your caring and supportive words. It means so much to me--and everyone--that the support here is endless. We all need that more than ever as we let go of destructive pasts and move toward healthier futures. :smileyhappy:
Yesterday was an incredibly emotional day for me. I understand it's all part of the purging process. It felt good to blubber for hours. Yes, Michelle, I looked just like the poster girl yesterday!!!
My T thinks I may be depressed. I have gone through quite a bit of loss this past year that I didn't fully recognize
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