Is pure friendship possible afterwards?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Is pure friendship possible afterwards?
3
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 1:15pm
I am going back and forth here and need someone to knock me in my stubborn head.
If my XMM and I are both in total agreement that it's over...completely over...why can't we at least start the process of being friendly and friends again? We used to have a stellar friendship. He said that we "compromised" our friendship when we turned it into more. Is it b/c it would be too easy to just get back into that cycle again? I feel like I can handle being friends sometimes. I hate the feeling that we are not capable of being civil friends. The one thing that we swore to one another is that we would always be friends. I know this sounds like a teenager speaking, but I really don't want to lose his friendship. I know that it won't be like before, but what's wrong with just talking now and then and seeing how the other is doing? Would that be totally wrong? This NC thing is just so hard. It's not because I miss the attention, but I do miss his friendship. Advice please??
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 1:43pm

IV

In my opinion NO

"Is it b/c it would be too easy to just get back into that cycle again?"

Thats what usually happens, that or in the struggle to stop it from starting up again you end up hateing the XAP

"I feel like I can handle being friends sometimes."

Famous last words, never seen it work yet.

These questions I think are just a reason to keep the affair going in a scaled back sort of way, like haveing the drug in small doses rather then kicking the habit totally, ask any other junkie if that really works.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 9:01pm
I would have to agree with mefreenow on this. At first, xMM and I were pretty successful at starting over as just friends. We nded our A about 2 1/2 weeks ago. We stuck to NC for only 5 days. It was too hard for both of us. When we started talking again we pretty much kept any "emotional" talk or any talk of our R out of our conversations. I still refuse to see him just because I'm afraid of what would happen if I let him come over. However, it seems that lately our conversation is getting a little more intimate, and we seem to be slipping back into an emotional affair. I thought I could just be his friend, and I probably could if I knew he didn't have any feelings for me. But if you're both still feeling the love, and you are fresh out of the A I'm beginning to think that it's just not possible. I'm still trying to deny that this whole "friend" thing won't work, but I'm starting to believe everyone here now. If you REALLY want the A to end, Don't try to be friends until you are over it!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 12:04am

i understand missing his friendship now....i actually miss his friendship more than anything else at this point....but after a five year A, and spending the last year breaking up and trying to stay friends, and then going back, and then breaking up and trying to stay friends again because we never wanted to give up everything completely, it was becoming insanity....we tried soo many times to break up and stay friends it's painful to think about....in the end, i was the one who finally had to say we have to stop it all....after the many, MANY attempts at friendship, i had to finally admit it can never work....

it's been three months now since we've seen or spoken to each other, and i know how hard NC is....i went through four months of NC last year at this time, and it was absolute hell, and then we got back together, only to go through the breaking up/trying to stay friends/getting back together cycle many more times until three months ago....it's the only way....it's not easy, it's not fun, but ultimately it is the only way to begin to get over the relationship and start some sort of healing....well, getting over it is a tall order, but at least i know for sure there's no way you're ever going to move on in any way in your life if you don't remove yourself completely from the relationship.....it's hard enough to move on when you've done that....forget about ever moving on if you stay attached to him in any way.....it will just be another form of the same affair.....

you will come to the same conclusions in your own time....it is inevitable, because it is true......good luck, and hang in there........ada