Purged and feeling disgusted/sad...
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Purged and feeling disgusted/sad...
| Thu, 06-03-2010 - 10:02am |
Ok, like an idiot, I've been carrying around my bag of Victoria Secret tryst accoutrements--beautiful lingerie, stockings, potions, etc.--hidden under the back seat of my car. Honestly, I kept forgetting it was there. Thank goodness I remembered this morning and just now wrapped it all up in a garbage bag and dumped it in a city container. (Maybe some lucky vagabond will find it!)
I really felt dirty and disgusted looking into the bag. At the same time, I felt a sadness and longing. He did make me feel beautiful and I so enjoyed wearing the pretty things for him. I could cry right now. Isn't that disgusting?
I can't bring myself to get prettied up for my H, although he would enjoy it immensely. What is wrong with me?

Always,
I feel the exact same way. I had hundreds of dollars worth of Victoria Secret lingerie that I got just for my time with AP. He made me feel young and sexy and beautiful, and I loved looking the part for him.
I pitched all my stuff a few weeks ago for fear that my H would find it. And, I did
Alwayst,
Good for you for getting rid of it. Try not to feel disgusted/sad. This type of purging is good for the soul. We don't need ANY reminders. I too still don't feel the need to get prettied up for H, however I do like feeling good about myself so I do it for me. The beautiful thing about our H's is that they love us anyway. Who knows what xap's would of thought of us in our "true" state of being, flaws and all. It's comforting to know that our H's have unconditional love for us. I don't have to wonder all the time if I'm pretty enough. He makes me feel beautiful even in my grama panties!
Just one more step toward your healing!
Love, AAI
Aw, heck, Always --- in the beginning, I couldn't even be bothered to shave my legs for H, myself, or even my poor coworkers who had to endure my weeks of being a grossed out slob. I get what you're feeling. I, too, missed and still miss feeling really pretty and appreciated. And, honestly, I don't know if I'll ever feel that way again and it bums me out to no end -- however, pretty is as pretty does, right? Hot on the outside but ugly as homemade sin on the inside is just not enough for me anymore. I just hope that my more mature self will catch up to my more superficial self and I'll really 'own' and appreciate that I'm beautiful for all the right reasons now. It'll take time.
Stay strong! and try to get a good giggle about that homeless dude taking your naughty bits to his lady. You gotta admit, that's funny.
Bestest,
Dee
Oh, Dee. You have such a remarkable way of turning on the sunshine. Thanks for your post. It made me feel better.
Angel, I didn't cry for too long. He's just not worth it. The
Girl, you are supposed to feel good throwing that stuff out.
NS, I have just realized that I am having a difficult time forgiving myself. I do understand that is exactly what I need to do, though. I am/will work on that first because
Yeah Alwayst2,
That is part of letting go and sometimes it is bitter sweet.
As far as DH goes and I’m paraphrasing something that BD posted some time ago at least I think it was from BD’s post.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.