pushing this ahead

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
pushing this ahead
6
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:24am
thanks for the responses. I have known ow for 3 years and we have been an on and off couple for about 1 year. I have lived with her and experienced the every day events that I have with my wife. I have not had the history with her that I have had with w but that takes time. I can't stand my w's family and that is some of our problem over the years. It have been exciting to be with ow and get away from the boring, dull marriage I was in adn the pressures that go with it. My w grew up with a "silver spoon" in her mouth and that puts and enormous amount of pressure on me to keep up with her expectations. I do miss my kids and they are both under 10. I worry what effect a divorce will have on them and what effect staying in a marriage that has no love will have on them. I have been going to a marriage counselor for about 3 months. I have gone to 2 different ones. Both seem like they are trying to push me back to my marriage instead of helping look inside so I can decide. As you can tell I tend to get defensive when people ? my love for the ow. I realize the thrill and the awesome sex will slowly get less and less exciting. What I count on is the type of woman my ow is. she is so much more open, loving and fun to be with. MY w is a nice person but very conservative, not very open. Because of her job she tends to be bossy and treat me like one of her slaves at work. I don't know how to even begin telling ow that I want to go back to my wife especially since I don't feel like I want to. I can't stop seeing ow. I have tried and it literally almost killed me. The pain was unbearable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:41pm
"LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY....."

Oooops, sorry....seems like that song just keeps running through my head as I am trying to compose my thoughts in responding. Okay...here it it.

YOU ARE FENCE SITTING! On one side we have the wife, the kids, and the security. On the other side we have a nice, sweet, sexually active OW. Hmmmm....decisions, decisions...

I guess my BIG question is, "WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?"

<<>>

<<< I don't know how to even begin telling ow that I want to go back to my wife>>>

Does your wife know about the affair? Is she waiting for you to choose? Is she telling you that she is willing to take you back if you dump OW for good?

Just curious. Are both of these women waiting for you to make a decision? Because if that's what we have here, I am totally dumbfounded that either one of them has given you this much power. Leaves me to wonder what's wrong with their heads?

Just a few STRONG words of warning: Either get a divorce, or dump the OW and go home. If you choose to rebuild your marriage, the OW HAS to be history. What you are doing to both of these women is so incredibly selfish and unfair that I don't know how you are able to stand being in your company.

Most women on this board are suffering because their MM have made it clear that their families are TOP priority. Looks like it TIME for you to make a top priority decision!

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 12:36pm
thanks for the response. I should mention that I didn't realize this was a woman's board before I posted, so I hope I have not intruded. I have certianly learned alot from a woman's perspective. To answer your questions. First know I am not proud of what I have done or the fact that I am hurting 2 woman because of my fence sitting. My wife of 13 years is aware of the affair. She does want me to come back and work on things. At this time I am living by myself and had broken things off with the girlfriend but have since talked and been with her. Both are waiting for me to grow a spine and make a decision I can stick with. I have found almost impossible not to speak with the ow. I have been going to counseling but it makes me feel even more hopeless and helpless. The counselor and everyone else (family, friends and coworkers) keeps telling me that it will never work with the OW and it will never work with the wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 12:52pm
This is NOT a woman's board. Responses would be the same if you were a woman (at least from me)it'd just be OM and H instead of OW and W.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:14pm
Wow. I don't envy your position.

Only you know what is best for you. My exMM chose to go back to his W and kid even though he told me SO many times how he needed me in his live and was in love with me.

Well, love isn't enough. I couldn't compete with a kid and a woman he'd been with for 12 years, even though I had a lot to offer. He was too scared and too guilty to take the leap, and still loved his W, which I understand.

But before he left, he bounced back and forth between us so many times it made my head spin. Why I let him do that to me, I'll never know...but I regret not telling him off the first time he left.

For your sake as well as theirs, make a decision and stick to it. You know your own mind...use it. Its not easy and someone's going to get hurt. But right now, EVERYONE is geting hurt. Esp. for your kids' sake...grow that spine you say you need.

Good luck and take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:24pm
Thanks for clarifying things, and now I can appreciate that you're really in a very difficult situation. UGH! I have no real advice to pass along, and I've already shared my experience. I just wanted to follow up to your post and wish you the very best as you make this decision. Feel free to keep hanging on here. As you examine these issues you may find that even tho you aren't ending your A, you will get some identification from the folks on this board. We all do understand the "tug" to leave our M and start over somewhere else.

As far as your children go, I grew up in a household where my parents fought constantly. I know for a fact I would have been a much happier and healthier person if they had divorced. And even if you and your W aren't actually arguing in front of the kids, you're probably not role-modeling a loving partnership. This is something kids need to grow up with. They're much smarter than you think, you know. You may think you're holding everything together and the kids are none the wiser, but they will likely notice the absence of affection between the 2 of you, especially as they get older.

So you do actually have some underlying issues in your marriage that you may not be able to resolve. What can I say? Sometimes we just don't wind up with the right person the first time, I guess... Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 8:38pm
My school just sent home a notice listing the various negative behaviors that children exhibit in school when their parents are divorced or getting a divorce. It said that often, parents think the divorce is just between them but to remember that it's not. That really shook me up, as I too, think about a divorce. Also, you sound like the kind of father who is really saddened to be physically apart from his children-my husband was the same way and he and his first wife divorced and he really suffered from not living with his kids. It means everything to him to wake up every day in the same house as them or to be able to check on them in the middle of the night. Think very carefully, even living with OW. fopr a year is not going to give you a true picture-one of the articles here said it takes about 2 years for the infatuation to fade. You have some huge decisions ahead-wishing you strength and peace.