pushing this ahead
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pushing this ahead
| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:24am |
thanks for the responses. I have known ow for 3 years and we have been an on and off couple for about 1 year. I have lived with her and experienced the every day events that I have with my wife. I have not had the history with her that I have had with w but that takes time. I can't stand my w's family and that is some of our problem over the years. It have been exciting to be with ow and get away from the boring, dull marriage I was in adn the pressures that go with it. My w grew up with a "silver spoon" in her mouth and that puts and enormous amount of pressure on me to keep up with her expectations. I do miss my kids and they are both under 10. I worry what effect a divorce will have on them and what effect staying in a marriage that has no love will have on them. I have been going to a marriage counselor for about 3 months. I have gone to 2 different ones. Both seem like they are trying to push me back to my marriage instead of helping look inside so I can decide. As you can tell I tend to get defensive when people ? my love for the ow. I realize the thrill and the awesome sex will slowly get less and less exciting. What I count on is the type of woman my ow is. she is so much more open, loving and fun to be with. MY w is a nice person but very conservative, not very open. Because of her job she tends to be bossy and treat me like one of her slaves at work. I don't know how to even begin telling ow that I want to go back to my wife especially since I don't feel like I want to. I can't stop seeing ow. I have tried and it literally almost killed me. The pain was unbearable.

Oooops, sorry....seems like that song just keeps running through my head as I am trying to compose my thoughts in responding. Okay...here it it.
YOU ARE FENCE SITTING! On one side we have the wife, the kids, and the security. On the other side we have a nice, sweet, sexually active OW. Hmmmm....decisions, decisions...
I guess my BIG question is, "WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?"
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<<< I don't know how to even begin telling ow that I want to go back to my wife>>>
Does your wife know about the affair? Is she waiting for you to choose? Is she telling you that she is willing to take you back if you dump OW for good?
Just curious. Are both of these women waiting for you to make a decision? Because if that's what we have here, I am totally dumbfounded that either one of them has given you this much power. Leaves me to wonder what's wrong with their heads?
Just a few STRONG words of warning: Either get a divorce, or dump the OW and go home. If you choose to rebuild your marriage, the OW HAS to be history. What you are doing to both of these women is so incredibly selfish and unfair that I don't know how you are able to stand being in your company.
Most women on this board are suffering because their MM have made it clear that their families are TOP priority. Looks like it TIME for you to make a top priority decision!
~True~
Only you know what is best for you. My exMM chose to go back to his W and kid even though he told me SO many times how he needed me in his live and was in love with me.
Well, love isn't enough. I couldn't compete with a kid and a woman he'd been with for 12 years, even though I had a lot to offer. He was too scared and too guilty to take the leap, and still loved his W, which I understand.
But before he left, he bounced back and forth between us so many times it made my head spin. Why I let him do that to me, I'll never know...but I regret not telling him off the first time he left.
For your sake as well as theirs, make a decision and stick to it. You know your own mind...use it. Its not easy and someone's going to get hurt. But right now, EVERYONE is geting hurt. Esp. for your kids' sake...grow that spine you say you need.
Good luck and take care.
As far as your children go, I grew up in a household where my parents fought constantly. I know for a fact I would have been a much happier and healthier person if they had divorced. And even if you and your W aren't actually arguing in front of the kids, you're probably not role-modeling a loving partnership. This is something kids need to grow up with. They're much smarter than you think, you know. You may think you're holding everything together and the kids are none the wiser, but they will likely notice the absence of affection between the 2 of you, especially as they get older.
So you do actually have some underlying issues in your marriage that you may not be able to resolve. What can I say? Sometimes we just don't wind up with the right person the first time, I guess... Love, Mo.