Pushing him to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Pushing him to end it
17
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 3:06pm
Hi all,
I've been lurking for a long time. Through everything I've read on here and other boards - and more importantly - what I know in my heart AND my head, I need to end my A asap. It is sucking the life out of me - the guilt, the obsessing...you all know the drill. My STBxAP is a pro at the game. He feels little guilt and he compartmentalizes very well. I believe he would like this to continue for eternity - or until we get caught.

I've ended things with him a million times. He always asks me to reconsider - and I do because I am do not have 100% conviction. I start fights - and he called me out on it. He told me he knew I was trying to get him to end it. I've been like this my whole life. Unable to make decisions and many times I push the envelope so a decision is made for me. And when that happens? I hate it and it's not usually the right one.

I need help. I need to end this before a dday occurs and blow apart the world of so many innocent people. I need it to end before he does it and I feel even more rejected. I need to end it because it is plain and simple wrong and is causing me so much more pain than pleasure. Maybe I need a lobotomy? But short of that, I need help making a final decision and sticking with it. I want peace.

Any help would be so greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 5:23pm
We will be here....and you do not have to tell him a thing, you can just dip out....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 5:28pm
read all of TU's posts, you will be with the best of the best.

and stop the pain....stop. we will be here and we will never disappoint you. We will not let you down, you will learn to smile again, I promise. It will be tough, but with us and some help from a T, you can like this.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 5:29pm
Me too.....so confused...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 7:45pm

I don't know how to go back & read old posts but would love to read her story.

I'm not looking for "closure" - I need to tell him that it is over and not to contact me and I will not contact him.

He's a human being and even though he's been mean to me at times - I feel he deserves to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 8:27pm

KG,

However way you decide to end your A is your choice, but until you do, please continue to read the posts, spend time in our Healing Library, and learn everything you can from the wisdom and insights offered on this board. Once the "dirty" deed is done, we will be here to support you through the ending process.

Until then,

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 10:40am

<>

Yet you made the decision to enter the A and you are making the decision to keep it going by not ending it. You also made the decision to write here for help. It does not seem that your problem is in making decisions. It seems you have problems putting other’s needs above your own.

Look at your order of importance for listing why you want to end it:

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You mention other’s needs first before you mention your own. Your pain is last on the list. Why do you think that is?

You wrote:

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And:

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You both are playing games and using manipulation. Are you tired of all the manipulation yet? If you want to end it, then do it. Stop playing games.

You can use this cross roads in your life to learn more about yourself and learn why you make the choices you do. This can be a turning point for a healthier and more balanced you.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 1:05pm
You nailed it. Yet another issue I need to look at -- putting myself last. Gets me into trouble all the time. People with healthy self-esteem don't put themselves in destructive situations like affairs, do they?
I will say no more for ME. How it happens doesn't matter I'm realizing. All that matters is that I say no more hurt, no more pain, no more manipulation- it's done and over and I know once I send the words "no more contact" I will feel empowered.

Thanks for your insight and calling me out. I needed to see that - it hadn't even occurred to me that as always I put my needs last. I've got a lot of work to do. And yes, I am going to end it and never going back to ugly-ville.

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