Put to the test last night
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 04-03-2005 - 10:17am |
I haven't been able to post as much, do to a change in my work environment (where I did 95% of my posting), but for those that remember, me and H were invited by XMM and his W to an event last night. H wanted to go, being we hadn't seen them since January, so against my better judgement, I had to go. When I saw him in January, there were times we had been left alone and within seconds were holding each other (even though for the weeks and months to follow, I didn't let those moments overtake the progress I had made). So I was very nervous about how I would feel when left alone with him this time. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to hold me for even a second...the way I see it, he don't deserve a show of affection like that from me anymore.
Well, much to my surprise, I was honestly emotionless last night. There were times where he'd touch me, but I didn't reciprocate in any way, and I'd move away. He came up to me from behind and kissed me on the neck, and I didn't react. There were 3 times we were left alone and I did nothing that I would have done in the past..which was jump up and hold and kiss him. I didn't even let him lock eyes with me, because that's always been his first step back into my heart.
Ladies, I can say without a doubt now, that I am not in love with him anymore. The hurt he's caused me apparently has taken that emotion away from me. Sure, I still care about him, and still like him as a person, but even the attraction I felt for him seems to not be as strong as it was mearly 3 months ago. I was really surprised by my lack of emotion. Even the anger has subsided, but not before doing an effective job of removing him from the deep recesses of my heart.
At one point he asked me "I'm here, anything you want to say to me?"..I hesitated and said "no, there's nothing I want to say". Why should I? Nothing I have said in the past has made one difference in this situation, why waste my breathe. Also, I showed him my long, un-bitten nails..and said "look, I was able to grow my nails again,..less stress". To which he replied "nice dig".
When leaving, I did lock eyes with him momentarily..and this is what I interpret from that 2 second exchange. The look he saw in my eyes was empty from all the events that led to our demise, and I saw in him, defeat..and an awareness that he finally realized I don't have it for him anymore.
ALL OF YOU CAN DO THIS..I'm telling you. Keep those bad thought first and foremost in your minds, and eventually, you will no longer let them take from you what they don't deserve. The progress has been slow, but I'm almost there..and I'm feeling SO much better without the anxiety that relationship brought me.

Pages
hurt,
i salute u !!!, APATHY !!! , excellent , no more feelings, good for u, i cant believe MM still wants to reel u in by all his actions, now u see he does not respect u by his actions
im so happy for u, u will be an inspiration to all of us trying to do the right thing
good news in the mid of all the pain and misery in this board, u made my day today, i just woke up and this is the best news so far
max
<
Eeeewww! You don't know WHERE those serial cheating lips have BEEN! Sorry, but guh-ross!
<
You're definitely headed in the right direction and all, but you're still way too emotionally invested in this jerk. When you really no longer care, you don't care what he thinks or what/who he wants or who "won" the latest verbal exchange.
If you didn't still care, we might have heard something about the other two people who were also there along with you and xMM...Your husband and his wife, remember?
Kudos to you and keep on keepin' on.
~LeFeen~
hurtpup....keep using your strength.
Thanks max and hellsie :)
lafeen: <>
I didn't exactly feel it was 'gross', but I can say it was unwelcomed and I felt cold when he did it. I was scared going there that if he were to touch me, if I'd turn around and pull him close..and not only did that not happen, I didn't even feel the desire to do so. I didn't have to force myself to stay away from him, it just wasn't there..it was gone. I actually felt nothing when he touched me...it was very odd sitting with there when it was just me and him, and not feeling the slighest urge to kiss him.
I was really, really surprised I felt that way, because it's one thing to feel like you have control when you aren't in the physical presence of that person, and quite another to be right there, alone together, having him touch you and you STILL feel nothing. THAT is when it clicked in my mind that I have indeed 'lost that lovin' feelin' :)
<>
It was a 3 year intense emotional relationship, it's not practical to think that all that just ends in a heartbeat..it takes time, it's a process, so if I am still 'way too emotionally invested in this jerk' (which I don't believe to be true after what I experienced last night), but if I am still attached in someway, it's not me hanging on..but rather just the normal and natural residue from a long-term affair.
<>
This wasn't about the 2 other people..this was about ME, and my realization that all he is to me now is a married male friend, and shall be treated the same way I treat my other married male friends.
Pup
The place your at is called INDIFFERENCE, a very hard place for the XAP to assult with any sucess.
That I STILL CARE part can be nothing but an emotional reflex action (like that in a corpse) that will also pass in time.
Stay the course.
Free
Edited 4/3/2005 4:32 pm ET ET by mefreenow
<>
Indifference was all I wanted to feel going into that situation, but I thought I'd have to force it..just so I would appear that way to him. But much to my own surprise, it wasn't forced.
I'm SO glad that my indifference towards him came before his indifference towards me. Makes just as much difference in the situation in my own mind, as it did for me to be the one to break off the relationship in the first place.
<>
That's what I am figuring too. :)
Good luck.
~LeFeen~
Edited 4/3/2005 6:07 pm ET ET by lefeen
I am certain you WILL get there someday. I was just as emotionally invested in my XMM as you, I am no different, no stronger, I am just like you and everyone else. You will get there in your own time. This did not happen for me overnight. I went thru 18 months of trying to break this off, and kept falling back into it.
As for being friends, I'm still not sure I can do this, but for now..we're only seeing them every few months anyway, so it's not too bad. But the only way I was able to reach this stage was by staying away from him as much as this situation will allow. Emotionally and physically distancing yourself from them brings it that much closer to being OVER. I know I still can't see him around that OW he has an interest in..I will have to stay away from THAT situation at all costs. Not sure I will ever be strong enough to put myself back into my social circle where they will both be together.
I guess I need to be happy with the progress I've made thus far. Maybe someday, I will be able to go back to place and the people I lost over having to remove myself from an unbearable situation. See, I'm not as strong as you think..just taking it one step at a time.
<<>>
Hah! My reaction to this was a hardy belly laugh. Thanks Free...they say laughter adds years to your life.
Id
Pages