Put to the test last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Put to the test last night
11
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 10:17am

I haven't been able to post as much, do to a change in my work environment (where I did 95% of my posting), but for those that remember, me and H were invited by XMM and his W to an event last night. H wanted to go, being we hadn't seen them since January, so against my better judgement, I had to go. When I saw him in January, there were times we had been left alone and within seconds were holding each other (even though for the weeks and months to follow, I didn't let those moments overtake the progress I had made). So I was very nervous about how I would feel when left alone with him this time. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to hold me for even a second...the way I see it, he don't deserve a show of affection like that from me anymore.

Well, much to my surprise, I was honestly emotionless last night. There were times where he'd touch me, but I didn't reciprocate in any way, and I'd move away. He came up to me from behind and kissed me on the neck, and I didn't react. There were 3 times we were left alone and I did nothing that I would have done in the past..which was jump up and hold and kiss him. I didn't even let him lock eyes with me, because that's always been his first step back into my heart.

Ladies, I can say without a doubt now, that I am not in love with him anymore. The hurt he's caused me apparently has taken that emotion away from me. Sure, I still care about him, and still like him as a person, but even the attraction I felt for him seems to not be as strong as it was mearly 3 months ago. I was really surprised by my lack of emotion. Even the anger has subsided, but not before doing an effective job of removing him from the deep recesses of my heart.

At one point he asked me "I'm here, anything you want to say to me?"..I hesitated and said "no, there's nothing I want to say". Why should I? Nothing I have said in the past has made one difference in this situation, why waste my breathe. Also, I showed him my long, un-bitten nails..and said "look, I was able to grow my nails again,..less stress". To which he replied "nice dig".

When leaving, I did lock eyes with him momentarily..and this is what I interpret from that 2 second exchange. The look he saw in my eyes was empty from all the events that led to our demise, and I saw in him, defeat..and an awareness that he finally realized I don't have it for him anymore.

ALL OF YOU CAN DO THIS..I'm telling you. Keep those bad thought first and foremost in your minds, and eventually, you will no longer let them take from you what they don't deserve. The progress has been slow, but I'm almost there..and I'm feeling SO much better without the anxiety that relationship brought me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:05pm

I'm curious about the "caring" part. First let me say that when I said I "care about him", I meant that I care about him as I would anyone I like. And even though it's over, why is not ok to still care? Shouldn't we care about people we like? And if I still "care", does that mean I'm not over him or the A? Because I don't think that's the case at all. I think I am a human being that genuinely cares about another.

Let me back up a bit, some of you may remember that this was not my first A. I ended another A years back (didn't go on as long as this one, but was equally as intense). I went thru the normal phases in letting go, but eventually came out the other side feeling fine. Although I rarely thought of him anymore, I still "cared" in a way that I wished him love and happiness someday. That showed through when I was able to write him an email congratulating him on his recent engagement and new baby on the way. That came of a shock to him, he said he would have never thought I had that in me.

It's not bad to "care", I think if you are able to go thru your life not giving the XAP any further thought, then you should also question the person you really are. I didn't have A's to sleep around, I really had feelings for these men..call it what you want, but there is nothing wrong with caring about someone you had shared intimate moments with. I was hurt and angry over the things that XMM did/didn't do, but I still wish him happiness in his life. To me, that's simply "caring", not to be confused with being "in-love".

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