Question??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Question??
11
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:09am

What's the longest you have managed to go with NC? Did any of you feel that NC was a bad/good thing? Did it help the situation, you know either ended it for good or made you closer?

These questions probably don't make any sense but it's how I'm feeling right now? That temptation to call is killing me, especially since the last two calls were initiated by me?

Doves

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:41am
Hi Doves! Happy Tuesday!
I started NC with my XOM back in November, only to break it in January but finally end it for good then. I have spoken to the loser via IM since then, but I have no desire to do this to myself anymore.
I firmly believe for most people that NC is the only way to distance yourself from the affair and gain a clear perspective. It is the only way that you will be able to really see everything for what it is.
It is definitely hard to get through, it is the same as any type of loss in your life and it makes you feel virtually the same. You are going through a grieving process. But if you keep calling him, or going back you are just delaying your recovery process. You can't move forward until you firmly decide ti STOP the affair and you can't stop it if you are still pretending that you can be JUST friends. You can't. The underlying feelings will still be there and you just can't move on.
Good luck to you.
You can do it. Be strong it does get easier.
~hugs to you
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:47am

Hi

I undertnad how you are feelign ..beleive me!

The longest we went with NC was 3 weeks but that was when we were together. MM ended it on 1/16 (really 1/4 but I wasnt leavign him alone so we had not started NC yet). Since then we went 11 days. Then I broke it. WEnt 7 and he then emailed me last weekend. I agree you need to keep NC. Obviously I am not all that great at it but trying.

I cant say this enough..take each day as it comes..try not to think about nevers and forevers right now.. just say "today i will not contact!"

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:15pm

i haven't seen my MM for 3 weeks, but i can't do NC either. i cannot imagine how awful the sense of loss will be for me. for now i'm ok with no inperson contact.

debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:35pm

No in-person contact was my rule as well (also no phone contact). We do stuff from time to time with his W and my H, so NC at all isn't possible, at least at this point. As time goes on, perhaps this 'friendship' between the four of us will eventually stop.

Distance is the key here. I have emotional distance because when we do IM, I gear the conversation to everyday stuff rather than the A. And I have physical distance because I will not see him privately. He understands now (and it took some time for him to accept)that he can only see me when all of us get together. I CAN have contact (via computer) with him and be fine, as long as there is no "us" talk and as long as I am never alone with him in person. It's SEEING him and/or rehashing our relationship that pulls me in. I know, because I've been thru the breaking up/making up thing with him too many times.

If you cannot distance yourself from him both physically AND emotionally while still having some contact, then you cannot have any contact whatsoever. I will stand by the general rule of thumb on this board, NC is best. Some people kid themselves that they can still have a friendship, but it takes a real effort to distance yourself on many levels for that to be possible..and most people cannot do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:56pm

Hiya Doves,

<<>>

Nine months now. That's no in person, no phone, no em/im/tm, no smoke signals, no specially trained carrier pigeons - no nothing. This is all despite exOM being in my house for several hours each week visiting our 2yr old daughter (contact is arranged and supervised by DH).

<<>>

Good thing for me. NC enabled me to slowly begin to step out of the needy me-me-me of the affair fog. The longer the NC, the more the fog clears and the more clearly you can see the relationship for what it actually is rather than what you want it to be.

<<>>

Helped, definitely. All you have to lose is the fog. :)

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:05pm

Thank you all for your responses. I'm glad I'm not alone in the sense of how difficult it is to go through.

He called me 1/2 hr ago and I'm proud to say that I didn't pick up. He didn't leave a message so maybe he won't try again.

I miss him horribly but I feel in my heart that in the end, this is what's best.

Thanks again for all your thoughts :)

Doves

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:14pm

doves,

im in the same boat as u, OW ended our affair but its driving me nuts, i miss her so much that i call her and she wont answer, we work together but i avoid her at work, i wanted to call but she wont answer anymore

no contact is hard but i think im headed there, it hurts so bad that i cannot sleep and eat and work also

men have feelings also so im going thru the same thing as you gals are going thru, maybe im not as strong as other men but its just me

pls take care, i know they said that time will heal, i hope so, im in shock actually that she ended our affair, im single and i feel so alone

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:20pm
Maxwell, I think you posting here actually helps many of us, because there's entirely too many women hurting on this board because they feel that their OM isn't hurting too. Men have feelings, most of them just have a different way of handling it. I try to remind myself of that when he doesn't react the way I hope he does to certain things. It helps to see that men bleed too. Thanks max ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:07pm

Hey Max,

I'm glad you went to work. Hang in there.

I don't know what's worse, they answer the call but have nothing to say. Yes, he called me and didn't leave a vm. Of course, since I am so powerful and strong (being very sarcastic) I called back.

It was small talk, he misses me, he's thinking of me!! Great, that makes me feel better. In the meantime, he probably moved back in with her and stopped the divorce. I don't know.

Then, I just decided to call and end it once and for all. To tell him that I can't do this, either were together or were nothing!! I can't go on like this!!

Get up the strength, pick up the phone, he answers only to tell me he was just leaving me a message. He wanted to tell me once more how much he misses me. Great, I melted. So he asked why I called, did I tell him? No, I told him that I just wanted to talk. Then, he was called into a meeting and told me that he asked me on the message to call him later this afternoon.

What on earth am I going to do? Part of me believes that we love each other so much that we are meant and will be together. The other part of me sees myself in an ongoing affair for years!

Why, why is it that I find the one man that has fullfilled me in everyway possible, yet he is not mine to have?????

I'm sooooo confused???

Thank you all for listening!!!

Max, I'm here for you, we all are and hurt is right, it's good to actually hear a man's perspective on things. I'm always quick to think he is not hurting/thinking/missing me and it turns out he is just as sad. Hang in there!!

Doves

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:50pm

hi doves,

u too, hang in there, i realy want to end this affair, she wants to end it and is now not having contact with me, i am the one that calls her and misses her, looks like she is much more determined than me

anyways, the point is it hurts like i never felt before, for some reason i am not able to do anything, i felt lost and un-motivated, i actually did not go to work, i work up this morning and i was so anxious and could not even get out of bed, it felt terrible, how did i get to be this way, im sure other men feel like this too and they just dont show it

i need help and i know it that is why i am on this board, i want to be helped coz i could nto do this on my own, i want to end it, in the last year and half i was with OW , she never gave me a card or anything, i think she was just using me , i refuse to believe it but as more hurt i am i can see what or how she actually did not care for my emotions

my heart and chest hurts like im having a heart attack, i have a headache and i feel so lousy and nauseated, is this how you gals feel, how long does this last

i want to get this over with and i dont know how, im so lost, i want to call her so badly but its just a waste of time, she wont answer me at all

max

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