A question

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2010
A question
16
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:06pm

I would like pose a question about ending.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:18pm

Don't know. I ended mine, too, and still felt enormous pain over it.

Maybe if he ended the A it was easier to accept because you don't feel worthy to begin with and are used to/expect rejection as validation of your unworthiness??

Maybe because you ended it you have to step and walk the walk while struggling with self-doubt, self-esteem, self-confidence issues?

I don't know, AAI. Why do you think you are having a difficult time with it? What about it is "difficult" for you? Not seeing him? Not having s*x with him? Not having him call/text you? Where is your pain coming from?

See if you can break down each emotion with a "why" question until you get to the core issue. Try it and see what you come up with. The answers are inside somewhere. Glad to see your post, btw.

xoxo

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:41pm

There's no way NOT to feel pain when you rip off that blood soaked affair Band-aid, no matter who ends it. If they do, you will experience painful rejection. If you do, you will probably feel like you are drowning in guilt, plus start the old 2nd guessing game, "Did I really want to do this? Will they hate me now? Should I have waited until a better time? Blah, blah, blah.

There is NO BETTER TIME than right now and IT DOES NOT MATTER who ends it, as long as it's over. How's that for saying it like it is?

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:48pm

As if,

I'll say that for me - being the person who stood up to say NO MORE - was difficult in that...it took ME being the RESPONSIBLE ONE. The STRONG ONE. The Decisive ONE.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:51pm

I was wondering the same AAI.

For me ENDING the affair was THE most empowering action I have taken in this whole affair business. I felt complete and utter determination, NO guilt whatsoever, and so proud of myself for having the courage to do what NEEDED to be done. I could not have imagined it otherwise ... after all I felt he controlled, what he gained while I lost - I was getting the ending. That spring-boarded me into action, because of course it HURT to end it, not so much because I had doubts, but because I couldn't hold onto the delusion that kept me in the affair for so long: that someday all the pain we caused would be somehow worth it. I didn't even know what that meant as I didn't want to be with him, I just kept clinging to the false belief that "everything happens for a reason" including this affair ... heck that wasn't the lesson to be learned though - SURE everything happens for a reasons, BUT that was NO FREAKING EXCUSE to accept the fact that my life was drifting with every breath of wind that passed me by and that I was no longer making any active decisions for my life. I was going with the flow, and that flow was pulling me under. And you know what - THAT IS NOT WHAT THE UNIVERSE INTENDED FOR ME OR YOU.

So, AAI what's going on?

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:26pm

Alwayst, Iddy, New life, TU,

Thank you all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 6:27pm

Thanks for filling in the blanks, for us, AAI:

It helps to know what youre going through - to help EFFECTIVELY :)

GREAT for YOU!!!

For going to THERAPY!!!

Its a KILLER HUH????

I used to walk in and pretend to be setting suitcases down, every appointment.

And of course...Im considering going back as soon as my insurance gets straightened out.

ONE PIECE OF WISDOM My Dr. Bob taught me REALLY QUICKLY in my therapy (which was CBT) by the way...was...to teach me the DIVISION between

MY OWN STUFF

VS

EVERYONE ELSES STUFF

which of course includes...xap...my KIDS....coworkers...bosses....John Q Public, etc.

he said:

I am responsible for 4 things:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 6:44pm

For me, if xap would have ended it, it would've been much easier. Out of pride, I'd just pull myself through it. But when it was my own decision, and he was not even willing to honor it and would fish relentlessly and would try his damn hardest to pull me back in, and all that second guessing and self-doubts that Iddy is talking about - and all those what-if's - and "But I love him" (I hate this lame excuse) - it's just making it harder. I'm sure being rejected is more painful that being the one who finally put their foot down tho.

Having said all of that, AAI, are you not out like for a long, long time? Did I miss something?

Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 7:42pm

Michelle,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 7:54pm

You bet!

:)

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 8:23pm

Hi AAI,

In my experience i found it much HARDER breaking it off myself too, especially given the fact he had a dday and i didn't, i feel so much guilt in that i damaged his relationship with his W and then i left him, that will forever haunt me.

AAI do you think that if it were them making the decision it would be easier to accept? Knowing that we have no power in that decision we take what's given and progress to deal with it. Whereas when we made the decision, there is that little inkling of hope, or should i say fog,

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