A question

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2010
A question
16
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:06pm

I would like pose a question about ending.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 8:49pm

AAI,

My XAP never tried to end our A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 10:28pm

Hi AAI,

I ended my A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 10:47pm
MS,

What's with the name? What does Marks Cloud refer to?

Anyway, I truly believe that IF YOU WORK really hard at understanding the dynamics of the affair, and getting to the root of your choices to engage in such destructive ways, that you will NO longer feel like you miss him or his chats. In fact, the very thought will repulse you. The thought will trigger you to personally reflect. You will ask yourself WHAT AM I TRYING TO AVOID? You will recognize thoughts of him as triggers of toxic thinking ... I know that might not make sense right now, but I do believe it. And it's not because I think all xAP are evil or mean, but I do recognize that there is something very distorted about what we framed as
"relationships" ... and how DAMAGING it is to continue to perpetuate any thoughts and feelings that are positive in relation to the affair. I think that can be difficult for those who have NOT had Ddays to contend with ... it seems like *you* stay stuck in the fantasy longer because you haven't had to deal with the tangible, observable consequences of your actions in quite the same way. When you have a Dday, you can QUICKLY see the repulsiveness of your actions and recognize that there was NOTHING positive about the affair, even if you thought in the moment there was.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
In reply to: actingasif
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 11:18pm
Hi Tu, I understand what you're saying about the A being toxic. I miss the chats because I have never had that kind of "talk about my feelings etc" with H. I realize the A was repulsive and terrible. And I am fortunate that I have not had a DDay. I know everything about it was wrong and I am trying to get through all of this and understand why I got involved with exAP in the first place.
Im just trying like everyone else on here...a day at a time. Some days are good and some are bad...but I am trying.. MC
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: actingasif
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 12:26am

AAI,

Good to see you posting in for support!

The pull might be the “fix” it in you but you cannot fix this for xAP. Maybe it kills you knowing that you are the bad guy…ahem gal.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: actingasif
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 12:29am

MC,

Are you active in Al-Anon?

Big, big hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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