A Question..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
A Question..
5
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:13am
I have been looking at the All Sides board a lot

lately after hearing about it here a few weeks back.

I am going on over a month of NC and it is getting

easier each day even though I have hard days

every now and then. The one thing that I see the most

on that board is messages from the BS blaming the

OW/MW for the affairs that ruined their marriages.

My personal experience MM was the one that led me

down that path at a very vunreable time in my life

when I needed a friend. I know I cant blame him

for everything because I didn't fight it as hard

as I should have. I just want to know what makes the

wifes blame the OW for all of the problems? Is it

because the H has told them that or is it just

there way of accepting things.

I know with my H so far he hasn't just blamed MM

he has pretty much put it all on me..

Trying to put things back together in my life and

heart.

Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: lostnhim
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:45am

The BS on All Sides don't solely blame the OW for the affair; they know their husbands had a VERY active part in the whole mess. What happens is that many (not all) OW think along the same lines as you..."My personal experience MM was the one that led me down that path at a very vunreable time in my life when I needed a friend." As if you as the OW didn't have a choice in the matter; The "bad" MM manipulated you into the affair and so the blame is solely on the MM and not themselves.


Most of the BS on that board will tell you their husbands are just as responsible, if not more, than the OW. BUT, BUT, BUT...Most if not all will tell you that the OW is also to blame for the affair because they are adults, and could have made the choice not to participate but choice to participate.


As for the problems in the marriage, most on the All Sides Board will tell you they own their part of the condition of the marriage at the time of the affair; they DO NOT own any part in their spouse's choice to cope with the problems in the marriage by having an affair.

Callistus


"Follow men's eyes as they look to the sky, the shifting shafts of shining

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: lostnhim
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:58am
Callistus,

Thank you for your reply. Regarding what

you said to my comment My personal experience MM was the one

that led me down that path at a very vunreable time in my

life when I needed a friend." I do take blame for what

happened I did not and will not ever place all of the blame

on him for what happened. I could have ended it before it

ever started.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: lostnhim
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:59am
Dear Lost,

<<>>

All Sides is a conglamoration of BS's and OW's, but the click is very tight knit of BS's. When I first started viewing that board, I noticed the anger and pain of the BS's, but my gut told me that THIS is the place I need to be if I was going to understand what an affair does to everyone involved. Up until then I had NEVER considered the feelings of the BS, or a potential BS. In my situation, XMM's wife is still clueless, (we ended it 4 months ago). She had no interest in his business life, and that was where we met and pursued the relationship. Anyway....

They blame the OW (and I had asked that question many times on there also) because IMO, because they need to forgive, to the best of their ability, their WS if rebuilding stands even a remote chance for success. The BS's that CANNOT let go of their angst toward OW are the one's who's husbands also had difficulty in letting go and/or where the OW caused problems after the affair was discovered. BUT, I also feel that the OW's that continue to cause the trouble, are the one's who were lied to the most by MM, and therefore the perception of "WHY isn't he leaving the wife" is drastically distorted. BS's don't want to think they married slime.....that their mates could have been such liars and deceivers. It all boils down to believing/understanding whatever it takes to survive.

IMHO, the OW does get the brunt of it the hardest, but we were/are the intruder, and had a choice NOT to conduct such behavior. Overlooking the fact that there IS a wife in this triangle is so easy to do when on a selfish, self-serving mission. If I had had more compassion for my XMM"S wife, I would have never subjected my wants and needs into HER life by lusting/loving her H. Shame on us all....

Don't think for a moment that the BS's let their husbands off the hook. They are forever struggling with the injustice that has befallen them. It's sometimes easier to blame the outsider, than the one who shares your bed every night.

I hope this helps,

ID

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: lostnhim
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:17pm
Lost,

I just read your post and it amazed me how it hit home. I am new here and just last night H and I had a talk because he discovered my A. H said these same things to me that it was OM that reeled me in and steered me into this A. I told H that I at anytime could have stopped things, I just made the wrong choice. I won't let H put blame on OM, because I make my own decisions. I will never say that OM lead me into anything because I have free will and H knows it. It took two of us to have this A and I don't think you can blame one person more than the other. Unfortunately my actions have affected H and our M where OM is single so this has no affect on his life. But as I say that I know that if that is where H puts the blame to help him get thru this there is nothing I can do or say to change that.

Hope you are doing well today. This is so tough and I never thought this would happen. Just trying to take it minute by minute.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: lostnhim
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:30pm
Daf,

Wanted to give {{hugs}} to you. The advice that I have gotten

from the people on this board has helped me more than I can

say this past month. I come here when I feel the weakest to

hear that I am not alone. Hoping the best for you in the coming

days.. Stay strong..

Lost




Edited 9/10/2004 12:37 pm ET ET by mjean04