Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Question
2
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:55am
I have been trying to end it with my MM for a few weeks now, we have been involved for 4 years and friends before the A for 4 years, this man has been in my life for a long time and it is VERY hard to walk away. If you read my previous posts the hardest thing about walking away was accepting that he would just move on to another. Well over the past few days I WISH HE WOULD. I gave in and agreed to talk to him why I cant do it anymore, and EVERY reason I gave him he turned it around on me. I do not respect him, I fight all the time, I am not working hard enough to make this relationship work. He even said some mean and cruel things that hurt my feelings and when he was saying these things I was asking myself MY GOD IF he really feels this way WHY does he even want to continue this joke of a relationship. Then after INSULTING me and blaming everything on me and having me in tears, he asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I about fell out of my chair. Telling me to tell him I love him. I realized he really is sick. It is all a sick game to him. HE has to see how miserable I AM, I can not go one day with out fighting with him I AM GOING CRAZY. HE has to be just as miserable. WHy does he continue to pursue this? I am so tired, angry, bitter, hurt. Why can't we both just say it has been nice but it has to end and walk away like adults, why does it have to come to what it is, I just am not telling him it is over I am not calling him anymore or picking up the phone. Maybe he will just go away that way. I have never in my life met someone who is so mean and controlling. So many mind games. He wont hang up till I tell him I love him then I do and he say's ok bye, does not say it back, it is like it is a challenge to get me to say it, then I do and I feel so stupid because he hangs up. I am going crazy I cant do this anymore. I guess all I can do is STOP picking up and calling him back. I have never met someone so confident that he can control my every move. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Sorry for rambling on! Everyone warned me that his culture (he is hispanic) and the way he treats women are different and it would never work. This man begged me for 4 years to go out with him, I used to be a dream come true to him now he treats me like a hooker off the street. Like he is doing me a favor. How did this happen?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: fooled2much
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:53pm
((Fooled)) Don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of us here can relate to what you are saying and wonder how we let things get so far out of control. Although my OM was not mean or cruel, he did do/say things that made me feel badly about myself, and that is certainly *NOT* the kind of person that I wanted to be a part of my life.

I think that you are making a HUGE step here, by acknowledging MM's controlling and hurtful behavior. I also think that you are right by cutting off all contact with him. You must do this ASAP - and that means ALL forms of communication - e-mail/voice mail/text messages/phone calls/etc. It will be hard, and it will hurt, but it sounds like you need to cut him out of your life as quickly as possible. The damage he has already done to you will heal, and you will be stronger for it.

Come to this board often, too. Reading the stories of other posters was very helpful to me, and gave me strength in ending my A.

Best of luck to you, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: fooled2much
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:33pm

"How did this happen?"


Because you allowed it to build into an accustomed way of speaking to you. Note that I did not say "acceptable". You grew accustomed to the the abusive comments towards you.


Want to end the comments? Stop picking up the phone. You don't need to have negative contact in order to have a relationship with someone.


Whatever the various reasons this man has seen fit to turn a 4 year friendship into a hostile confrontation is his problem moreso than yours. If you choose to not stay and be abused, then the abuse for you ends. What he does as an abuser is his concern, not yours.


I hope you seek counseling to examine the reasons why you chose to allow a man speak so abusively to you and why you chose to stay and listen to it. I believe your self-esteem is in need of some serious healing time.......