Question about this married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Question about this married man
4
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:31pm
I have posted a couple of replies on this board today. I just ended a three year long distance affair with a married man. I am also married, in my late 40's (as is he), and both of us have grown children. Our relationship started as a friendship and neither knew if the other was married. We were so compatible, clicked in every way. Both of our spouses were oblivious to what was going on, so we were able to see each other quite a bit the first year. Then his wife suspected our affair and things changed. Another year went by, we saw each other fairly regularly, then finally he got his own apartment. We planned to see each other every month but that never happened. I only saw him a couple of times after he got the new place. (???) We talked on the phone most every night or morning, but he started to seem like he was hedging. He kept making promises to get together, only to break them. I did not put pressure on him.

Through all this we maintained a very emotionally close relationship. He initiated most of the contact and sent gifts, letters, flowers on more than a few occasions. Said he could not imagine losing me in his life. But the fact remained that he did not, could not - or chose not - to get together with me. He said it made him panic if she found out. Hello? He had his own place! He kept saying it would get better and thanked me for my patience. Several times I told him just to tell me the truth if he was getting back with her, that I would understand and wanted the best for him. Then we wouldn't talk for a while but he would always come back asking for another chance.

Anyway, not long ago I found out he took his wife (from whom he is still separated) away for a weekend at a romantic place. He says now that it was a mistake. (Hello! Wake up and smell the coffee!) I mean, I understand ambivalence and all that... but to take a wife from whom you are separated away for the weekend and say it meant nothing, that it was a mistake? Actions, not words, honey. That just about did me in. He lied, and although I know affairs are set up for lying, I thought he was my friend above all else and would not blatantly lie to me. We both always said we would be honest with each other or there was no point.

So when my self-esteem sunk to an all-time low, I finally ended it for good. It hasn't been very long but I'm making it. I really would like some advice/opinions on how to get through this. He has sent two emails saying when he gets out of his marriage and over the guilt he will come to me for good, that I am the most special thing in his life. Well, he had several years to make a change but he chose not to! I did not respond to his emails.

Advice, please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 7:27pm
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I think I need more background. Where does YOUR marriage stand in all of this? Are you still with your H? If you are, then I don't really get it. Not being judgmental, I am also M and had an A with a MM, but I don't get why you would expect him to leave her if you are not doing the same?

If not, then tell him to look you up when the divorce papers are signed, then do not have any contact with him again. As hard as it is in the beginning, you will be so much happier a year from now, trust me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:14pm
HI MCB

Katie gave you some very sound advice about the divorce papers signed by both him and his wife, buy no B/S from him.

I would suggest either close the e-mail accounts he knows about or at least block them.

Enforce no contact for a few months (say 3-6 months of total no contact) and when your head and heart have settled down do a slow calm apprasial of you marriage relationship, and were you want it to go, do you want to work on it or not, you never know you may surprise yourself with the answer I did.

Good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:53pm
Thanks for the replies. Yes, I am still married and I know it sounds crazy, like I'm being judgmental and imposing a double standard. But when I met him I was not really thinking of leaving my marriage. Meeting him was accidental and the affair followed after several months of communication. My marriage wasn't that bad at the time but my husband and I were not communicating very much. My friend said his marriage was on the skids and that it was not likely to survive much longer. His wife has major mental & physical problems. This I have verified.

After falling in love and seeing each other for a year, he said he would leave his relationship first and we agreed I should stay in mine until my children left home. this was early in 2002. Now the time is almost here for me, as my son will start college next year. What stalled this whole thing was his inability to see me much in the last year. We obviously couldn't continue the relationship on a physical basis, but he wouldn't let go of the contact. He would have meandered along on a phone relationship for months on end. Then the lies started. I lost trust in the whole relationship/friendship. This was a person I cherished. He was good for me in many ways for a long time. But in the end, he kept making promises only to break them. I know what you're thinking (You're still married, girl!) but I always made myself available to see him... he just didn't make himself available to me. He wouldn't shoot straight with me! His going around in circles was heartbreaking and confusing to me. I really thought this was it. Boy was I wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:28am
I think you are doing the best thing you could do - and that would be no contact. By not writing him back, you've given yourself the power that he has had for so long. It sounds like all throughout the relationship, he's been holding all the cards. Deciding when to see you, deciding to take his wife away, etc. Now you've got the power to decide what YOU want to do. My best suggestion would be no contact. If at any point he keeps emailing you to find out if "anything's wrong", then maybe you should write a short and simple email telling him you need space for a while to figure things out. Stay strong! You'll feel better doing it this way than letting HIM be the one to decide no contact. If you are really the most special thing in his life, he'll wait for you to be ready.