Question about timing of dday- help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Question about timing of dday- help?
12
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:46am

.......




Edited 5/14/2010 11:49 am ET by serenity_88

~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:09pm

Hi Serenity,


Serenity, I think there is a part of you that recognizes this is fantasy because of what you wrote in your post:


<>


Think about what you are saying here and what is really driving your thought process.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:21pm
Thank you, E1. I cried the whole time I read your post (but in a good way, if that makes any sense). I'm not sure how you are able to see the situation so clearly from my short post, but you are amazingly spot-on. Really, I'm going to read this again and again to try to keep the NC up. It's so unbearable now but I have to be thankful I have a husband who is willing to work on stuff. You are helping me see that this is really not about AP but about my own "stuff"...wow. You are appreciated. And I'm changing my mantra now! ;) Thanks.

~~Serenity~~


~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:26pm

Take if from a MW who has BTDT and had a xAP that was single (most of the time although he had an on-again off-again LIGF). He was 9 years my junior so yeah I understand the ego pump of a younger man being interested.


E1, how long was your A? Wow, we are very similar. Did your H know about A? If you have a story posted, please send the link. I'm still learning my way around the boards. Thanks so much!

~~Serenity~~


Love is all you need.

~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:51pm

Serenity...

Ok, I am smacking you upside the head at the moment. Marriage? Are you freakin' kiddin' me? Earth to Serentiy, earth to serenity....come down from la-la land. Reality called, it wants you back. All of this should show you just how immature this guy really is. He's called his insurance company? Really? Does he not understand the oh, I don't know, minor complication of the fact that YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED???? That you and your husband have a family together? Two kids, a committment, a life? No, he doesn't. Why? Because he's 24, closer to high school than where you're at, immature and rather childish and thinks he's in looooooove because you've had sex and like each other. You do too, so I hate to say this to you, but you seem rather immature and childish yourself. (Sorry.) You've known this guy 3 months. 3. You've seen him 8 times in those 3 months. Yet you don't know how you're going to live your life without him? Really? Girl, you have got to pull yourself together and get real. Have you not listened to a thing we that know have told you?

I know you think this guy is the bee's knees, but trust me, trust everyone on this board, you are headed for some harsh, harsh reality if you keep up with this ridiculous behavior. You say you've got a great husband and marriage. THEN ACT ACCORDINGLY!!! Otherwise, guess what? You are going to lose that man. Because there are plenty of women out there that will take him if you don't want him. Plenty. You want to throw away everything you have built up with your husband and kids for Doogie Howser, by all means do. But you will so regret it in the end that I shudder just thinking about it. Honey, you are headed on a downward spiral that will only end in disaster and such extreme regret that you won't be able to see straight. Life as you know it will be gone. Gone. And don't think it will be replaced with snuggly little breakfasts in bed, walks in the rain and talking about your love. That doesn't last. Period. It sure as hell doesn't last when the relationship caused the destruction of a marriage and a family. Unless you're a sociopath, guilt WILL enter the picture, and you will not be able to live with yourself. If you can't think of your husband, or yourself, then think of those little ones you created. You owe it to them....OWE IT....to act like a responsible, mature adult and live up to your obligation to provide them a safe, happy and secure life. Not bail on it all because you just met someone else.

I know my words are harsh. They're intended to be. Because I just know the score. If I can prevent you from making the BIGGEST mistake of your life, then I will be happy. So will everyone else on this board. You're blind and crazy right now. I know that's not pleasant to hear, but it's true. You're out of your mind from infatuation and lust. If you don't get a grip and pull your head out of Unicorn-land, you will SOOOOOOOO regret it. Come back down to earth. NOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:00pm

Thank you, sillmyme...your post made me laugh (and cry) but mainly laugh. What the hell has been going through my head??? I went to see my therapist a few days ago and just stared at him for like thirty seconds when I first sat down. Then I said, "I have LOST my mind..."


Look, I know I sound pathetically immature. Background...I'm one of the most

~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:39pm

Glad my reply help you.


<>


One or two people have mentioned I have a bit of a knack for doing that.


Wow changing your mantra is a huge step! Especially the one you chose shows

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 6:00pm
Thanks, I will go back and look at your story ASAP. You are very intuitive, E1!

~~Serenity~~


~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 6:19pm

Serenity, I love your new signature (-:

I must say I find your capacity to 'hear' what others are sharing with you refreshing.

I look forward to hearing and supporting you through these initial few days/weeks of NC. It really, really does get better.

I also think, your life, as you describe it, provides rich soil for an A seed to flourish. No space, time and place to yourself? We need healthy adult connections outside of our home. IMHO. As well as therapy, perhaps you will be able to carve out time to figure your own 'self' out, create networks with others that sustain and nurture you.

(((Hugs)))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:15pm

Thanks, TU. Hugs and kind words appreciated. Yes, I know my life is just waiting for some fulfillment. It's a hard stage right now with two young kids and no free time, especially now that H knows what happened.


I like how you have been NC for almost a month; that is great! I guess I'm at Day One today. And it's pretty bad.


Thanks again for the encouragement and for telling me that it will get better. I'm hanging by a thread, but the ladies on here are making it so much better. Hugs~~~



~~Serenity~~


~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 2:34am

I know it can be so confusing. But in my opinion I honestly believe that old saying "If You Really Love Something Set It Free. If It Comes Back It's Yours, If Not It Wasn't Meant To Be" I am learning as I go here and I have learned a very important lesson in all of this. Never let your emotions lead the way. I dont mean don't listen to your gut feeling but to let the emotions simmer than make your choice. There are no guarantees in life. What choices you make today will make the path for tomorrow. Now no one knows what the right choice would be. Not you nor I. Now looking from the outside in... I believe that you need to let this go as you are already married and you have children to think about. Have you thought about the effect this will have on your children? Do they even know him? How is he with children? Is he ready to take on the role of a step father? And think of your DH does he deserve what is happening to him? If you truly do not want to be in this M than I personally would advise therapy for both and for yourself to sort through your feelings. If you still feel there is no saving your M than I would never say stay. You want your kids to grow up with healthy relationships around them. We are the ones who will teach them on how to relate with others. We teach them ethic and moral values. We teach them on the beauty of what love can bring. We also teach them that Love is not perfect and the work that goes into it. We teach them the value of friendships. This happens all at home from the very beginning. I know you just want to run off into the sunset but this is real life and you have things you need to sort through.

No need to rush anything. You need to make NC and clear your head of all this confusion and than decide what is best for you and your family. If again if there is no salvaging your M than I really really suggest you go solo and adjust to your new lifestyle before you rush into anything. Also important for the kids to adjust. No need to rush.

NC is the answer. IMHO!!!!

Pages