A question for all of us

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
A question for all of us
4
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 8:43pm

Hi everyone,


I just wondered, having all had an A, if you were the W of a man who had an A - would you react differently if you had a DDay because you were once the Ow or OM?


Knowing the pain that most OW/M go through would you feel less resentment towards the OW?


Just a thought... I honestly don't know myself. Right now, to ease my guilt, I probably wouldn't be too reactive.


But then, knowing that there is love in As and that they can be intense, I'm at a loss.


Just a question, I'm curious to know... befored I have my A (first and last) I wondered how crazy and selfish a woman could be to do that, but now, I see it differently.


Hope you're all having a good weekend.


PL xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 9:32pm

PL,

I think we can all relate to feeling humbled in some way by our As. I also thought that the only kind of person who would have an A was selfish and terribly weak, and i cannot believe i was one of those people.

i think the one major good thing i got out of this whole process is that i feel humbled, and will be much less judgmental of others. i realize now, that even well educated, responsible people can make questionable choices when times feel desperate. i know i got into the
A because i was a mess and felt totally lost, and my AP reached out to me as a friend, and it quickly sped up from there.

if i were to find out that my H had cheated on me, i dont really know how i'd react. having been there, i'd understand that being in an A is really painful, and that you can really love somebody but still get caught up in something. i believe that while people i As can feel strongly about each other and things can be intense, it just doesn't compare to the purity and safety of a REAL relationship. thus, i'd be able to forgive my H, if he was committed to fixing things.

we need to learn to forgive ourselves. we screwed up. royally. there are serious consequences to these mistakes. but it doesn't make us bad people. we're not unforgivable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 1:24am

I had a real hate-on for my X's AP before me. She kept bugging him and I was jealous and hateful in my heart towards her. now, I feel the pain she went through at the end and have huge sympathy and understanding for her. HOWEVER, if it were my H and his xAP, I think I'd still run her over with my car... and H would have to pick up his belongings from the front yard (where I would have hastily thrown it all before I changed the locks.) This is why when I hear of a sympathetic and supportive BS, I think they deserve a medal and some sort of freakin' Sainthood. It would take a miracle for me to forgive my spouse enough to have a successful M -- and this might be because I know exactly what I did in MY A, how much I betrayed, lied, manipulated and disrespected. The BSs who can forgive all of that.... man, God bless them!!!!!

Sorry if my honest response offends anyone.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 9:52am

This is a good question....while I'd like to think I'd be more forgiving...I think I'm with Dee on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 1:35pm

All honest answers! Just a diversion I thought from the pain many of us are going through.


I suppose it is very difficult to know what we'd do... Dee... my reaction b4 would've been the same knowing how an A works and the betrayal involved. I think it's crazy when I look at how I could lie so easily, or more so abuse my H's trust (we were and are very free people, could take off in the car for five hours and be content all was well - well it had been with me, until 7 months ago.


I'm sorry I can't seem to take the underscore off the text :-o!


Thanks for your comments.


I hope you're all doing well!


PL NC 1wk/1day! yay.