A question for everyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
A question for everyone?
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 7:02pm

How long ago did your A finish? 

How long did it last?

How often do you still think about your xap?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 10:51am

Hi Tily,

Great post and I am thankful for the replies.  It helps so much to know I’m not alone in this journey!

My 5-yr A finally ended for good two and a half months ago.  I tried to end it several times in the last two years.  XAP was very persistent and I had trouble setting those boundaries! Imagine that!

I think about XAP all the flippin’ time!!!  Making me crazy!  And, he and I live and work in the same part of town, so random sightings are always a possibility, which indeed happened two days ago.  Saw him in his truck on the road.

And it hurt.  And I have to continually remind myself that the A was not good for me and that I did the right thing in ending it.  I have to continually remind myself that XAP is not my type, etc. etc.  All of which is true.

Crazy to me that something that I know isn’t good for me, or not that attractive to me, can have such a hold on my thoughts.

I am just trusting that time will continue to make things clearer and clearer.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 2:03pm

really now, I THOUGHT I posted a reply 6 hours ago, but apparently not..and in it I referred to another comment but had the name wrong. People, this is what HAPPENS when you get old!

Back to the question -I ended my 12 yr A almost 8 months ago. I stilll think of xAP every day, or at least he crosses my mind several times a day. I don't feel the pain I used too, occasionally some sadness but not the real pits and never for very long. I hope one day he will leave through my ear and never come back. Clearly, there's not a whole lot in the  way blocking his exit!

~ Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 7:49am

My A ended a little over a year ago. It lasted more than seven years, and we were friends before that for probably three years. I do still think about him every day. In fact last night I thought about him way too much, to my detriment. (Waking in the middle of the night--I have jet lag--is the absolutely worst time to let him cross my mind.) Sometimes I have to tell myself, I am putting my brain in the brain hospital for a few days. That means my brain is in a nice soft white bed in a private room, with a guard outside the door. Anything Bad for Me that comes to the door, gets turned away.

It helps.

Seven years is a long, long time. I'm doing ever so much better, and there was a time when I expected that this A could only end in a complete calamity and couldn't imagine how I was ever going to get out of it alive. And I wished it was over so I could look back on it in relief. (Even when I didn't really want it to be over. It's hard to explain.)

As RBM says, I knew it was bad for me. I always knew that. And these thoughts--they are a little bit of a sickness.

I try to say to myself, You are here. Now. Be where you are. Otherwise you may miss your life.

Honesty. it's important.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 2:15pm

My A ended 49 days ago..7 weeks to the day.

It lasted 3 years and two months.  There were some periods on NC during that time but it never lasted.  So honestly, I was still in the A the entire time.

I think about him all the time still.  Some days are easier then others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:03am

 My affair ended in March 2011. Affair lasted about 4 months just the physical part. I was the ender. The emotional part I am still trying to heal from. I am still trying to get away from the middle aged creeper. Do I still think of JAM yes sometimes but not in a good way like I feel all the hurt again. I have to avoid him at all costs because we are neighbors which sucks BTW. Everytime he runs into me he tries to sneak up on me and get a rise out of me which isn't going to happen.

Peace Love Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 8:34am

How long ago did your A finish? 

Last physical sighting: 30 Aug 2010. Last exchange of emails: 25 Oct 2010.

How long did it last?

5 months + 3 months  with about 3 months of off/on NC in between.

How often do you still think about your xap?

Often every day. But as I said in a post recently after a long time, and as another poster has also said, it does not usually hurt now. It is as if my brain is still trying to process it for a final acceptance. I have just learned to live with it, and it does not hurt my enjoyment of life or my ability to do the things I want to do. Also things started to improve only after a full year of NC, and even then only gradually. In contrast, during the three month off/on NC, I was miserable, and going back into the A briefly only prolonged (and increased) the agony.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:27am

Ended my 2 1/2 year long affair on Oct. 1, 2012.  Still think of him everyday, but started to noticed I can go a few hours without thinking of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 5:10am
You are all such an inspiration to me, please please everybody continue to share with me, it's helps so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 3:58am
11 months ago I ended my A My A lasted 3 years I think about him daily. I don't hurt anymore when I think about him, for now I have stored him away in my heart, and every day that goes he takes up less space :-)
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 8:25pm

Ended A July 16th,2012 after 3 years of close friendship followed by 9 months EA/PA. Was it an EA prior to the last 9 months? Probably. A few attempts of breaking up and getting back together in the last 3 of the 9 months.

 It has now been 5 months since A ended.

I think about him daily.  NOT every second, minute..even every hour anymore. But definately still daily and usually not with the intensity I thought about him before. He's. just. there. 


  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.