question for the group about nasty email
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| Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:10pm |
Hi, I am a lurker and need advice on whether or not to respond to this email sent to me by XMM. It hurts to know he thinks so low of me, but I have been successful in not talking to him at all. He's married with 2 kids, I'm single with a boyfriend. He's 14 years older than me. I want to put it all behind me and move on with my life, but he keeps sending me these emails and trying to contact me. It was a year ago, for a few months, that we tried things out.Our fathers were both sick with cancer, his passing on. My beloved grandfather died around the same time. I came to my senses and got out before it was too late. We sometimes talked on the phone after we ended things, but clearly he having trouble letting me go.
Am I horrible for not responding to his pleas? I have done enough wrong and want to cleanse myself. I so want to tell him off at the same time too.
WHAT DO I DO? I feel so horrible inside, so dirty, I have no feelings for this man who I believed completely used me.
Here's the email he sent me:
>>I guess real feelings are just too much for you to take in your world. It
>>scares you to be so completely loved. It scares you to be wanted. It
>>scares you to reflect on the past. It scares you to know true love. It
>>scares you to feel the chemistry we shared. It seems you'd rather have a
>>person mistreat you and blow you off. That's how the cool people act,
>>right? It's the reality-TV show era. I was just a little distraction to
>>keep your self-esteem in check and then you voted me off your island. You
>>just wanted to test your curiosity and feel good about yourself. You
>>wanted to know and feel what it was like to be loved. You shared with me
>>things and words you said you hadn't shared with anyone else. I shared
>>with you as well. Though I was the only one of the two of us who meant
>>it. I felt such a connection to you...for so long...and to think I
>>could've fallen for such a callous person. I'm more disappointed in
>>myself than you. You had every right to end things. You had a right to
>>feel uncertain and scared. So did I. You didn't give us enough of a
>>chance to find out if we were right for one another for the long-term.
>>All I know was I was in paradise when we kissed, held each other, or spoke
>>to one another. It's a free country. Ending it was your prerogative.
>>But the way you did it was deceitful and classless, particularly during
>>such a dark time for me. I'm not a wacko or an empty-headed male bimbo.
>>I feel things. I was only missing someone I thought loved me; someone who
>>felt like family; someone who didn't have the decency to be honest. Have
>>you ever loved someone to that degree? Can you?The grieving process is
>>different for everyone. There is no clear, defined path. One day you're
>>great, the next you feel pissed. You'll probably find out one day when
>>John or whomever has had enough of you and your spaced-out attitude and
>>decides they're through playing with you. Don't worry - I haven't the
>>desire to speak with you anymore. My desire was apparently wasted on you.
>> You so quickly threw it away without much regard whatsoever.
Enjoy XYS wedding this weekend. I hope your dad has a terrific
time. He deserves it...and I really pray he will go on for years to come.
He sounded like a true fighter to me.

Wow - what an intense email! Obviously you have no feelings for this guy anymore. What happened in your A that you decided to end it? You said you feel like he just used you. Based on that email, it sounds a little deeper. Do you think it's just an ego thing for him?
Despr8
Edited 4/5/2005 8:31 pm ET ET by despr8housewife2005
Sky
My suggestion do NOTHING have NO CONTACT with is person, this e-mail dispite what he says is intended in my opinion is to cause you to contact him to provide him with an opening to manipulateing back into some sort of relationship with him ,your best response is SILENCE.
This guy does sound like a WACKO, but he is right about one thing your Free not to have anything to do with him I suggest that you do just that and do not let him play his head games with you.
Free
hmm...i don't think he sounds "wacko". Intense feelings that are hurt, yup. If i had email access to my exMM (which is probably best that I don't..how much can be said really..its a hard balance between wanting someone to know exactly how you feel and dignity) ...i might have written some of the very things he said myself. I never can seem to say everything I want when he contacts me or I have a weak moment and contact him. I usually am reduced to either being "ok" (to not look totally pathetic) or "sad" (because I want someone to know they mattered (because inside...I want to matter too so badly in my life and i dont want to blow this off as nothing..it was very much something to me...and I don't matter as a priority to anyone on this planet and my feelings were so very real and well it wasn't a fair situation before during or after and well..because I am sad and I don't like being dishonest because you never know when one may never speak to someone again...I don't like games...i was the only honest thing in all of this, including him, his wife, and his new g/f now that he is separated....i am still the only one who can speak truthfully).
I think he spoke truthfully in his email about how he really feels.
I don't understand why you feel "used" from the wordage of that email. He sounds like he feels "used" actually. Its hard to say given that we've only seen his written word about it ending "classlessly". He is definately mad. If you truly don't want anything to do with him and you have no feelings for him, block his email. Not sure what advice you are asking for...if you don't want to hear from him at all...block him. If you have no feelings for him...perhaps tell him KINDLY....sounds like you both were in an emotional thing as well....be kind...that helps those who get dumped. Getting dumped aint easy...people can at least be kind about it. Need advice for that? Let us know. I guess ive probably gone through the kindest dumping that was possible...still puts doubts in my head about it being over. Grateful for it not being nasty at least. Still bawl my eyes out however...some things just cannot be totally mended or ended perfectly.
Lizzie
Don't feel sorry for this man. It was his intent to make you feel like crap. He is looking for attention like a little 2 year old. Block his emails and if not possible, delete them the minute you see they're from him. He will get bored and eventually give up as long as you IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.
Every single one of us has felt used and hurt. It's part of the affair aftermath. It doesn't give us the right to further intrude in their lives. He can't get under your skin if you refuse to allow it.
Id
Male response here:
DO NOT RESPOND to ANY contact from this xMM.
Block ALL of your email accounts to send his letters directly to junk mail / immediate delete.
Block ALL of your IM accounts to his addresses.
The tone of his latest attempt at getting you to respond seems to me to border on that of an obsessive stalker.
RUN for the exit and do not look back.
cl-nre
Id writes: <<>>>
You gave me something to think about Id. I know my post sounded sympethic, but I am not quite sure how deep their relationship went emotionally. I guess I was thinking of how *I* feel and about mine.
You gave good advice to the poster and something for me to think about. I've not intruded on my exMM but its good to keep this in mind in the future if I should entertain the thought seriously when I really shouldn't.
Thank you,
Lizzie
Thank you all for your advice.
I needed to hear from the group how I should handle the situation.
Hopefully, he will stop emailing, calling, etc.
I just hope he doesn't seek retaliation against me, my boyfriend, or my family.
In silence, I will find strength.
I'll let you know if anything else happens...
Sky