A Question for the guys.....
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| Fri, 01-30-2004 - 5:52am |
In this email from her XMM he said to her,
"You see for me, it was all about the hunt. Guys don't need "friends" we have buddies we golf with, drink with, play cards with. Women serve one or two purposes, to have our kids, clean our houses, and for sex. Women outside of marriage are for hunting. Once they are bagged, the hunt is over and we move on. Our wives are too focused on being the perfect little wife to no whats going on. So we have the best of both worlds."
My question is this. Is this the way it really is for guys. You see if that's how my XMM felt i think i'd have been as hurt as Life is Grant was but at least i wouldn't have been left wondering what happened. My MM moved away 3 months ago without even saying goodbye. We were supposed to spend his last day here together until plans changed & his W didn't leave a day ahead of him as planned. I only found out about the change after i messaged him that morning & he messaged back saying, 'no. sorry. not alone. xxx' Then i waited expecting he would call & say that he was sorry things hadn't worked out & that he'd be in touch as soon as he could. We had also made plans to see each other sometime just before xmas but i've heard nothing from him since he left. I've sent several msgs even asking him how he is, has he changed him mind about the A & stuff like that but still i've heard nothing. Is this the way it was for him? If he'd just say so i'd be more able to move on cause the anger would get me there. Instead i'm left wondering if something happened to him or maybe even worse if his W found out. I dreamed about him once since he left where he had spent some time in hospital. I guess i'd just like to know one way or another.
I'd really appreciate a guys point of view on this one.
Kas

I don't believe that 'tough guy' stuff for a moment...at least not with most guys that aren't sociopaths, anyway. I think that's 'bar talk' or 'weight-room BS'. I do believe that men tend to react to love differently than women, they are more visual than women, communicate differently. But, I *don't* believe for a moment, that in most cases, affairs don't faze them. Look at the albeit small male population on this board. They seem like nice, caring people. They may be a little more in-touch with their emotional side than some men. But, I think they are pretty typical guys who got caught up in an affair. I don't think it is all about the sex and the chase...unless the MM is a sex-addict.
As for why your MM took off without a trace...you are only going to kill yourself trying to figure out the impossible. You have no way of knowing the answer to that question... kind of like when someone is killed suddenly and you wanted to know some information. You can't ever find out and it sucks - but, that's how life played out for you on this one. So, here's my crazy remedy to your pain... make up a plausible explanation for his disappearance in your mind...then go with that explanation everytime you dwell on his departure. For your own sanity, it would be better to pick an explanation that is not abusive towards you (NOT 'he was just in it for the sex and didn't love me')...it will do you no good to choose something like that and you will never probably know the real truth anyway.
I have a plausible explanation for you, in case you can't come up with one of your own :) Mine is probably closer to the truth anyway. Here it is:
Men can't deal very well with emotional stuff - especially endings. My guess is that he had no idea how to get out of the affair without hurting you. Men don't like to know that they are actively hurting a woman (ok, most men). My guess is that he took the opportunity in moving away to end it really abruptly. I think he is running (JMHO). When men can't handle something, they go into their cave or they run...as opposed to women, who bitch until we feel better. I don't think it really had to do with you or his love for you. I'd bet you any amount of money that he just didn't know what to do. Cowardly? Yes. Unloving? He probably doesn't see it that way because he's a guy. You look at it as unloving because you are a woman and need to 'hear' how much they are suffering too and want to know all of the emotional detail stuff. I think he just got out of an affair the best way he could think of. Look at all of us here trying desparately to get out of an affair and how many of us (myself included) keep botching it up repeatedly. There is no good way to end an affair.
JMHO - please don't question any of your own worth or the value of the affair by looking at his behaviour. If he was the 'perfect relationship behavior poster-child' or 'Mr. Communication', would he be having an affair in the first place? Take it easy on yourself.
Bird
It is age-old wisdom that men & women look for different things. Mars Venus etc. Some of that is true, some not.
But a couple of more thoughts:
That email- a very similar, but slightly different version was on this board several months ago. I didn't get into all the details, but thought that the one several months ago was determined to have come from the jilted wife (or something like that). Hmmnnn.. several months later, a nearly identical email. Is this an urban legend?
Your guy- His feelings are less important than YOUR feelings right now. Focus on you. This is a recovery board/ending affair board. Are you wanting to end things with him, or is this something that has been forced upon you?
Kass, at worst your xMM is an insensitive cad for the way he chose to cease all communications with you. He may have taken the "easy way out" and is just gone.
Or, he may be feeling guilty for not having called sooner and is afraid you'll scold him.
Either way, it doesn't seem like he has much intention of responding to you. After all, in 3 months there surely is at least 2 minutes to send an email, isn't there?
As to your other question, "are all men like this?", simply put, NO. There are many men not in affairs at all. SO they're not hunting anyone. Then there are the men such as myself seeking relief from the messy marriage by having a long term relationship outside the marriage. They're not hunting just to score and leave. I don't know the percentage of men who fall into Life is Grand's MM, however, I personally don't know one. I think that such a mentality towards women oozes out of a man, and my male friends overall like women and respect them.
What happened to Life is Grand was cruel. What happened to you is cruel, too. It is an issue of lack of respect. As you heal from the ending of your affair, I hope that you can at some point in time look back and see what you've learned about yourself from your involvement in an affair.
And I hope that you never have another affair........
The email i referred to in my post was the one on here a cpl of months ago. As I said i've heard nothing from my XMM since he left. I was simply wondering if maybe that's how he saw our A & was referring back to that other email.
What NRE said about this mentallity oozing out of men i never saw in my XMM but maybe i was blinded & didn't want to see it. Although looking back now & remembering our times together & even taking into consideration that fact that he left the way he did & still hasn't made contact i still don't see that in him. I don't want to believe that that's the way it was but perhaps if i explain a bit about the time we were seeing each other you might understand why i'm now wondering if this is the way it was.
We only met for the first time 12 months ago & started seeing each other for a period of about 3 months. About this time my H found out but i managed to play the whole thing down & convince him that MM & i were just friends. H said if that's all there was to it then he had no problems with us being in contact with each other. After something i said was taken the wrong way he didn't speak to me for about 4 months. After i tried numerous times over this period to get him to talk to me he decided he would like to see me again. At this time i decided that perhaps it was best left alone & told him so. He then advised me that they were selling up & moving away soon so i decided to at least see him again to clear the air about things. Anyway things just seemed to fall back into the way they were before but at this stage & at no stage during the original 3 months even though our A was physical had it turned sexual. He made it quite clear that that was what he wanted & i made it clear in return that i wasn't sure that was a line i was ready to cross yet. He never pushed just told me that he wouldn't allow it to happen until i told him myself that that's what i wanted. Not in a text message or email but that i had to say it myself. When his house sold quicker than expected & they had to be out fairly quickly my first instinct was to end the whole thing there & then as i was worried that once he left that he wouldn't keep in touch the way he had said he would. But i decided to keep seeing him & even told him that i wanted us to make love before he left. We talked about spending as much time together as possible before he left but in the next 3 weeks i only saw him twice & the last time we made love. Or maybe i should say HE had sex with me. It was nothing like i expected it to be & didn't last long at all. And as soon as he'd finished it was as if he couldn't get away quick enough. I didn't argue as i had to get going to & thought that things would be better when we spent the day together 4 days later as the surroundings would be more ideal for making love. Our goodbyes whenever we saw each other used to take quite some time but this time it was much quicker than that & he said he'd be in touch in the next couple of days about the day we were supposed to spend together. As i mentioned before i heard nothing expect on that day when i messaged him to find out & i got that last message that said 'no. sorry. not alone. xxx' & then nothing. I couldn't call him as i knew his W was with him but he knew i would be alone all day & could call anytime. And as i said i've heard nothing since. Despite that i've sent numerous messages. There have been 1 or 2 missed calls on my mobile phone from a private number but nothing else to indicate that maybe he's tried to call.
So yes the ending was forced & now all i feel is stupid that i allowed myself to think it was anything other than an affair. Or that i even defended our friendship to my H who doesn't deserve me to be thinking of someone else when he adores me the way he does. As for why i got involved in an affair in the first place i'm still asking myself that even now. My H & i work together & i feel that he is constantly on my back about work & that we don't seem to be able to get away from it. I also feel like i have to account for every minute of my day to him. He's trying hard to be better about that & maybe time will make a difference now that he knows the problem is there. I lost my best friend & sister nearly 6 yrs ago when she died at just 36 from cancer. The companionship i miss from that relationship was something i got from my relationship with MM. When i was seeing MM the first time he said stuff about feeling like he'd met his soul mate & feeling lucky to have met me & that he didn't see himself getting bored with me in a long time. And even when we talked about him leaving he said all the stuff about missing me once he leaves & being friends for life no matter what. And yet he can still leave without saying goodbye. That's the part i'm having trouble dealing with.
Anyway i've rambled enough.
Kas