question for the "other woman"
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| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:07pm |
Why do women choose to be the "other woman"?
Why would you want to share your man with his wife and only have him part-time.
Do you want him to leave his wife or not?
If you do want him to leave his wife, why do some women wait years and years and the married man still is with his wife? Isn't it pretty clear that if hasn't left his wife after years even though he says he is sooo unhappy with her, that he never will leave.
If he did leave his wife, and moved in with you or even married you, how could you trust him? wouldn't you be worried that now that you moved into the wife's shoes, he is going to have to find a replacement OW?
I just don't understand the attraction to a man who is taken and can't give you his all...
It's seem like a self-defeating approach to love.

my MM was bored and lonely in his marriage and with his life. maybe a mid-life crisis?
we collided at a time in both of our lives when our needs outweighed good sense, integrity and just about everything else.
I think we gave each other a lot but it lasted longer than it should have. we were "lucky" that it never blew up in our faces.
In time, I felt constricted by the limitations of the affair and wanted more. I began to feel much-deserved shame at the way I was living my life and knew that it would devastate my children and my family if it ever all came out.
I found this site and with therapy and good friends, I got out.
I have a real life but I'm ready for it now. I wasn't then. What I did was wrong and I feel ashamed and guilty about that but I own it. i deserve those feelings. but I don't hate myself anymore. I have changed my life. I am a better person than I was 2 years ago. I have learned to address my needs in healthy ways so they never undermine me again.
that's all any of us can hope for -- to just keep striving to be better than we were.
I never asked for an affair. I thought I'd be in a sexless, frustrating marriage for the rest of my life, fantasized about leaving him JUST so I could get my sexual itch taken care of, but never ever thought I'd have an affair. And I had reached a place where I felt so unattractive that I resented him and we had a terrible vibe between us.
Then I fell in love. And I know this is going to be the most incredibly selfish sounding thing I have probably ever said, but here it is: Because of my A, now my marriage works. Everything that I wanted but couldn't get from my H, I got from my OM. Suddenly, when I got it, I was satisfied. No longer did I desire to leave my husband.
The only reason my A worked though, was because OM is in the same situation. If I had fallen in love with a single man, I might be in a radically different situation right now. But because that's not what happened, I think both of us worked harder on our marriages. Neither of us wanted to give up on our own families.
I guess it's like this: Finding out that I was someone who somebody else found attractive, sexy, fun to be with and interesting to talk to, gave me the confidence I needed to not give up on my husband. My increased self-esteem helped me address issues that previously I couldn't address in my marriage, and things got much better. I'm not sure if it's the same way for my OM, but I see him and his wife together all the time, and things seem better. She doesn't threaten to leave him anymore, which I take as a good sign that things are getting better for him. So maybe its had some positive effects on his marriage too.
So I don't mind sharing him with another woman....I'd be terrified if he was single and didn't have as much to lose as I did. I only mind that we never have time together.
Bath,
I echo Foolnomore's post verbadum except for the fact that I ended my affair recently.
I can see you are genuinely seeking to understand so I'll add my own answers in hopes you'll gain some insight.
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I didn't, exOM took a great deal of trouble to ensure I believed he was free to be with me. I believed to the point that I happily agreed to have his child who is now my 22mos old daughter. That said, halfway through a 3.5yr relationship, I DID wonder whether the exDP was really all that much of an exDP. However, I was pregnant, and chose not to question it because that would have destroyed my fantasy bubble of how I wanted things to be. Bottom line here is in my selfishness, I didn't care to consider the ramifications of all not being rosy in my little garden because it did not suit my purposes.
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I didn't want to share and in fact lived with him on & off for the duration of our relationship although I also retained my own home since the relationship was volatile. I was comfortable enough that I didn't question things too much (it didn't suit me to do so) and to the extent that I redecorated exOM's house to my tastes. ExOM's DP frequently worked abroad for long periods. Looking back, our dramatic break-ups were rather timed to perfection to coincide with DP's imminent return.
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While he's not married but in a committed relationship, my answer is "no, I do not want him to leave his DP." I've refused what some refer to as `the golden ticket' on numerous occasions. Having seen what cannot be unseen, I do not trust him as far as I could throw a Mack truck and no longer want a relationship with him.
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From experience, it is because we believe what we see what we want to see, believe what we want to believe and need to believe in order to continue justifying hurting others to satisfy our own selfish desires. And yes to your second question, it does become clear at some point (all have different tolerances here) the MM/OM will never leave his wife/gf and we give up.
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I couldn't and refused to accept the poor treatment he doles out to people who love, trust and believe in him. I walked because even if I didn't deserve better, well, my DD most certainly did.
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For me it was tied up in childhood issues (emotionally abusive & unavailable father whose love/attention was hard-won & often withheld as punishment). With the benefit of counselling, I'm aware that in exOM I spotted someone in whom that father/daughter relationship was replicated - I had to compete for exOM's love & attention therefore my self-esteem rode on whether he'd come be with me. These days (after counselling) I understand that 500 men could leave their wives/gf's and it would have absolutely no bearing on MY worth or worthiness. I've begun filling the void in me only I have the ability to fill.
You are quite correct in that it is ultimately self-defeating. It's also unconscionably selfish as well as soul-destroying for all concerned, whether or not they are party to or aware of the EMA. I've recently re-entered counselling to help me with constructive methods for dealing with the guilt of my actions. This isn't a play for the "poor-me" vote, it's an honest depiction of someone who has no idea how to begin to forgive herself now she's aware of the full extent of the consequences of her actions.
I hope this helps, Batharine.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie