Question-???was this an affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Question-???was this an affair?
10
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 9:13am
Greetings all,

Silly question, not sure if anyone read my prior posts. Short story, 25 years ago-in high school. met a great guy, more than just friends. Strong emotional connection, and yes sex (my first time). Lost track of eachother until I contacted him a few months ago. Phone conversations, emails and I.M. (we agreed no face to face meeting, to tempting) - still more than just friends. Some very HOT and steamy. we are both married with kids. We talked about no contact, still kept talking, emailing. Until 2 weeks ago. Our I.M. got out of control, basically cyber sex. Then nothing from him for a week. I emailed him ?? what is going on, he emailed me back stating giving things some room. I emailed him "this hurts" referring to the no contact.

still nothing........ I am very hurt and I miss him, he is all that I think about. Any one have any words of wisdom??? I want to marry this guy some day.... this really does hurt!!!

Help,

Murf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 9:52am
Murf,

My A started with emails at work(we work together same company different cities). We would chit chat about work, gossip...then it got personal...kids, family...and finally his relationship w/ his W...

He then sent me a couple cards in the mail (I had just bought a new house so he sent me a card re: that) and then a New Years card.

Then in time (a very short amount of time, I might add) I became smitten.

Being one who loves to express my feelings through writing, I wrote him a love letter.

After that the emails got excessive, we sent each other music CD's that we burned, started emailing and IM'ing at home (basically cyber sex IM's). Then he came to town and to my place and the rest is history. That was 9 months ago.

I wish I would have stopped where you are now.

Yes, IMHO, it IS an affair. An emotional one right now that is getting ready to explode.

Welcome to the board but no offense I hope you don't have to stay too long (because hopefully you'll realize the huge mistake you are about to make) I also hope you don't quit only to come back (which may mean you continue on the path you are on and your innappropriate realtionship grows like a cancer and you need the chemo treatments that this board represents). The only dif between what you are getting ready to embark upon w/ this guy and cancer is that we have no choice when it comes to cancer.

Anyway, the nipping in the bud of what you are talking about is totally your choice and I am pleading with you to STOP NOW.

PLEASE!

Read this board until your head hurts (that won't take long ;) and ask yourself if you want to make this a lesson through others for now or the place you will come back to later in order to help you go through the pain and agony and heart break that all of these ladies and gentlemen on this board are going through. Not to mention the walking wounded that are their kids and spouses.

You decide.

Need2

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 10:31am
Need2,

Excellent post. Terrific advice. <<>>

The first time I crossed the line with XMM (physically),I went home from work and puked. Now if that wasn't a warning, what is? If only I had known about this board then, I could have saved myself a whole ton of hurt. I knew almost immediately that what I was doing was wrong, but like all of the rest of us, I justified it to fit my needs.

Murfplace,

RE-read Need2's post over and over until IT SINKS IN. Jump off this inevitable train wreck while you still can. He is not responding to you because HE is getting cold feet. At least one of you is beginning to realise that this is a mistake. Rest asure that he'll contact you again when he needs some more cyberly steamy sex but how pathetic is that?

Remember, it is all about good choices. I hope you make the right one.

~True~

 

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 11:21am
Hiya Murf,

Chances are, if ya hafta ask, yup it is, indeed, an affair.

Basic rule of thumb is if you would be uncomfortable being with your friend whilst with your husband/wife/partner or feel you must act differently in any way or modify your normal behaviour while with your friend in the presence of your husband/wife/partner, or feel you need to tone down or modify your online chat if there is a chance your husband/wife/partner may see the screen, then you are being inappropriately intimate with the friend.

Here's a handy check-list from “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass PhD

"WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?"

--------------------------

Murfs, is your old friend aware of the strength of your feelings about wishing to be married to him? Have you discussed the possibility of marriage? Has he given you any encouragement? Have either of you filed for divorce or are either of you actually now separated? What plans have you two made for merging your two families? How about finances? Who will be contributing how much and for what expenses? Where will you be living and how that rent or mortgage be paid? How will arrangements be made for custody & living arrangements for all the children involved? Etc, etc, etc...

If this is someone you wish to marry then surely you wouldn't have any hesitation whatsoever in discussing all of the matters with him in great detail.

Murf, if he is unresponsive and even negative toward your IM's/emails and is asking you to back off and simply give him some space, chances are high that the feelings are not equally reciprocated.

That's a lot to take in right there, but I have one further observation. You haven't mentioned your husband nor his wife once. What do you imagine they might want or need?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 1:01pm
Posie & all,

First thanks for the honest replies, brutal as it is. Posie, to answer a few of your questions:



"WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

Yes

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

No

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

NO

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

NO

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

We have not met so this is N/A

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

YES

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

see #5

8. Are you in love with your friend?"

YES. he has told me he he loves me and that "your never kow what is going to happen"... sure sounds like he is blowing me off..... which hurts!!



Or he is the smart one, and leaving things alone for the possibility of a future someday!

:) Murf





iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 1:52pm
need2,

thanks for the honesty. still hard to hear. i do miss him terribly. strange but in a way, i think he is the stronger one, the one that "see a future" somewhere down the road. he said he was happy in his marriage, i now think that if he was... then he wouldn't have been emailing, calling me. perhaps he had a wake up call to.

thanks for listening..... no worries.. i am not emailing/calling him!

thanks

murf

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 2:44pm
It's clear you're having an emotional affair from the answer to the Shirley Glass PhD list of questions. How about the answers to these questions which don't appear to have been answered:-

Is your friend aware of the strength of your feelings about wishing to be married to him?

Have you discussed the possibility of marriage?

Has he given you any encouragement?

Have either of you filed for divorce or are either of you actually now separated?

What plans have you two made for merging your two families?

How about finances, who will be contributing how much and for what expenses?

Where will you be living and how that rent or mortgage be paid?

How will arrangements be made for custody & living arrangements for all the children involved? Etc, etc, etc...

If this is someone you wish to marry one day then surely you wouldn't have any hesitation whatsoever in discussing all of the matters with him in great detail.

If he is unresponsive and even negative toward your IM's/emails and is asking you to back off and simply give him some space, chances are high that the feelings are not equally reciprocated.

That's a lot to take in right there, but I have one further observation. You haven't mentioned your husband nor his wife once. What do you imagine they might want or need?

Wishing you strength &peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 3:44pm
Murf

To answer your question YES but more of a PH with not physical contact if that makes sense, I doubt if there is much real emotion involved for him just a lot of the old horny stuff.

You do not know this man at all, he is not the same person he was 25 years ago and neither are you, your having an affair with a FANTASY not with the real person.

Marriage, not going to happen, NO CONTACT is your best bet to get your head out of the affair FOG.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 8:05pm


Posie,

I just love you!!!! here you are:


Is your friend aware of the strength of your feelings about wishing to be married to him?

YES

Have you discussed the possibility of marriage?

YES

Has he given you any encouragement?

YES, He has told me he loved me on more than a few occasions. He has said... when I can ask you out fora taco, I'll have a ring in my pocket.

Have either of you filed for divorce or are either of you actually now separated?

No, not yet

What plans have you two made for merging your two families?

Counseling currently, divorce and child

How about finances, who will be contributing how much and for what expenses?

Not yet discussed

Where will you be living and how that rent or mortgage be paid?

new home, again... not completely discussed

How will arrangements be made for custody & living arrangements for all the children involved? Etc, etc, etc...

Not yet decided

If this is someone you wish to marry one day then surely you wouldn't have any hesitation whatsoever in discussing all of the matters with him in great detail.

That's a lot to take in right there, but I have one further observation. You haven't mentioned your husband nor his wife once. What do you imagine they might want or need?

it is their needs and the kids needs that are the reasons for the no contact rules.... I just didn't want it to end... all said and done, I miss him.... I miss my friend..



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 8:07pm


What is PH ?????


Perhaps you are correct on all counts, time will tell....

Murf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:32pm


Funny how so many of our posts sound the same isn't it?

sc