Question - where we/they want to be

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Question - where we/they want to be
1
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:16pm

So:
I have been lurking all day - and questions keep coming to mind.

How many of us are unhappy with our marriage or homelife. Why do we stay?
Many of us want to be with OP - but decide to tough it out with our marriages
Many of the OP say they want to be with us - but go home to their spouse and claim that they are unhappy.

my question: Dont people really do what they "want to do", "be where they want to be".
what is the real struggle here for us on this board?
Can we not allow ourselves to want to believe that the OP really does not want to be with us............
Or
Is it really that some of the OP really do but are afraid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:57pm

Hiya Anna,

Regardless of our marital state, all of us are exactly where we want to be. If any of us wanted something different, we'd make it happen.

Sometimes no decision is an active decision not to change exactly what the person has.

Me, personally? It wasn't an either/or situation. At the time I ended my affair, DH & I had long been separated (4yrs separated) and I lived alone. It wasn't until much later that DH & I even discussed the possibility of reconciliation and began MC together. I therefore chose to be alone rather than to be with exOM.

Equally, there's no guarantee that your MM will choose to be with you even if he DOES choose to file or separate or divorce. And as seen a fair few times on this board, even when they do leave their partners, they most often return to those partners after discovering that the grass needs to be mown no matter what side of the fence it happens to be on.

<<>>

People *DO* do what they really want to do and they *ARE* where they really want to be.

<<>>

For some of us the struggle is:-

Accepting that we cannot make someone want to be with us and that if they truly wanted to be they *WOULD* be.

Accepting that if someone loved & respected us, they'd ensure both you & themselves were free to actually be together without having to lie, cheat, deceive and betray others.

Accepting that "lover's lies" are just that - lies lovers tell one another about how much they love us, need us, want to be with us, would do anything to be with us, etc, etc, etc.

Accepting that:- "Just because we might love someone doesn't mean we have to be with them, love is not a bandage to cover wounds" (~Hugh Elliot~)

This is by no means an exhaustive list. How many others can you think of to add to it?

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie