A question for the XMW's here.
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| Sat, 01-23-2010 - 10:28am |
I've been a little hesitant to write something here about trying to stay in my M post A. The hesitation is out of respect for the women here that have had to end an A with a MM. MM never leave their DW, right? So, if you are a single woman, this might not be for you.
Reading here, I have come to realize that many of the MW have ended your A and chosen to stay with your H. Rebuilding a M is so very hard after an A and I am really working to understand all of the different dimensions. Those of us that have had a DDay might be forced to face it more directly, but for those that haven't the emotional challenges are still there and no less hard. Clearly, a lot of the struggle is rooted in guilt and dealing with our betrayal, but I know that other factors are present.
For me, as a MM involved in an A with a MW, I am trying so very hard not to suffer guilt from that ending (not guilt over the A - I feel that; I mean guilt over ENDING the A). Sadly, I do.
My XMW used to be so afraid that I was going to stay in my M and return to my home (my DW and I have been living apart for 2 years). This was one of the big "trust" issues that we had in our A. Nevermind that XMW continued to live with her H and never seemed to make any significant progress toward ending their M, she didn't trust me; there was really nothing I could do to re-assure her and it was always an issue.
Through my IC, reading about affairs and watching this board, I am coming to realize that trust in a A is an oxymoron. We want it, but can never really have it. How can you trust in something that is built on a lie? I know that we all bring our own backgrounds (ahem, baggage) with us when it comes to trust and intimacy; I am understanding that in most ways the negative affect of our baggage is amplified in an A. As I think about the concerns of XMW, I see that clearly and understand that it was very much a reflection of all the other negativity that exist in an affair - guilt, shame, deceit, dishonesty.
For those of us that are M and were involved with an AP that was M, many brought the issues in their M directly into the A. We all seem to have told our XAPs about our M problems - absence of love, affection, sex, emotion, desire. I am sure we also listened to the problems of our XAPs M and comforted them as best we could. Clearly, this is a part of the dance of the A, and where our "intimacy" forms; it certainly was for XMW and I. As I end my A and my M continues, even with an uncertain future, this has left me having feelings of guilt toward XMW.
This is where this gets a little hard to post here. For single women involved with a MM, I know that having the XMM stay in his marriage feels like a betrayal; clearly it would and clearly it is. However, when the APs are both M, I am trying to understand the dynamic a bit more.
My T is trying to help me recognize that one of the "mistakes" in an A, is to confuse the nature of the commitment. I know that I shared an intimate connection with my XAP; I know that I felt love for her. In normal circumstances, where two people are free and clear (emotionally and physically), this intimacy leads us to be committed to the relationship. I know that I felt committed to my XAP, but am realizing that the commitment was illusory and could never really be. As much as I hate all of the stuff that comes with NC and the end of the A, I hate that she might feel less of me for still being married. I can feel that the disposition of her M is solely up to here. She will do whatever she does. Looking back at the last 5 years, I know that I was never enough of a reason for her to leave and I know that she was never enough of a reason for me to leave. The allure, the attraction, the affection and the sex were never enough. So, why does the prospect of me staying in my M, cause me to feel badly?
As I said, I apologize to any of the single women for this post. I hope that you can understand where it comes from and recognize that it's not just MM that stay in their marriages. There are many MW here that have chosen to stay. I am hoping to hear their points of view.
MPV

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Hey, pov~
I am a MW and my xap was a MM. We both knew it was headed nowhere and we both knew we would be staying in our marriages.
So, why does the prospect of me staying in my M, cause me to feel badly?
The prospect of staying in my m causes me to feel badly because of the feelings I was getting from my xap. I hadn't felt love, desire, heat, passion, need, want, etc etc etc for a VERY long time. Xap provided that for me, quite easily and readily and it is
MPV,
I am a MW, my AP was single.
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I can only speak for myself, but I do not think less of my XAP XMM for staying in his M. One of the things that drew me to him in the first place (as convoluted as it sounds) was the impression I had that he is a good husband and father and that he would always do what is right. I wanted someone to love me like that. That being said, what made me think less of him was that he told me over and over and over how he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. When a man says those words to a woman, she thinks she is "the one". So my thought was that if I am the one he loves more than anyone, and he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, why can't we make it work somehow? If we love each other that much there is a way to build a life together.
What made me think less of him was not his choice to remain M, but the expectations he placed on me without having to make any kind of commitment to me. For instance, if I knew he had some time alone away from his family for a couple of hours, the expectation was that I would find a way to be with him, no matter what other priorities I had planned for my day. He expected that he should be my top priority when I had some time away from my H. He expected me to think of him above anyone or anything else. I never, ever asked him to leave his M, and he never asked me to leave mine, but I think we each had different ideas about the meaning of expectations and commitment. I completely agree with your comment about confusing the nature of the commitment.
Today I am 7 weeks out of my A, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about how and why and where it all went wrong, as I am sure you are doing as well. After all this thought I can still say that I don't think less of my XAP for his commitment to his M. I perceived his expectations of me to outweigh his commitment to me, and that is what made me feel less for him.
You are probably feeling guilt over your choice to work on your M because, plain and simple, you hurt your XAP. For me, the painful part was knowing that I was not enough, our R was not enough. I hope I am making some sense. I don't know if I have helped you at all, but this is one (of the many) of my XMW perspectives.
Take care. I still admire your courage to post to an estrogen-dominant forum.
I am telling you this from someone who had an A because she was in a dead M. Believe me, your W may be now or already has been either having an A herself or contemplating one. I was where your W was. My DH and I had a dead M - very dead. He had an A. He doesn't know that I know to this day. But I had a revenge A without him knowing. The man I had an A with, gave me something sexually that I have never felt in my life. My DH would never think in a million years that I am even capable of an A but I did it. No person can stay in a dead M and not want to feel that spark that only a good sex life can bring. If you want your M, I suggest that you purge your mind of your XAP and work on your M before you loose your W. Don't think that only you hold the keys to your M. Your W has feelings and all it takes is some man to make her feel alive again. If she isn't having a sexually fulfilled life with you, I suggest that you examine yourself. If you are constantly thinking about your XAP and what could have been you are not giving your W what she needs. It takes two to make a good M. If you want your AP let your W know and pursue that. Of course she is mad at you if you promised to leave and didn't. Either leave your W or repair your M.
Hi
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It’s because you are returned to a bankrupt relationship.
I will elaborate.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Oh my. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts here. The diversity of views is amazing and gives me so much to think about. I appreciate all of it, even the tough love, in your face, direct, get your sh*t together comments. I will to try to respond to something you each said, but need to take some time to think first.
Rebuilding M after A.
malepov, I didn't have a d-day so I can relate.
Best of luck, and please keep posting it is so helpful to have your perspective.
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