A question for the XMW's here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
A question for the XMW's here.
16
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 10:28am

I've been a little hesitant to write something here about trying to stay in my M post A. The hesitation is out of respect for the women here that have had to end an A with a MM. MM never leave their DW, right? So, if you are a single woman, this might not be for you.

Reading here, I have come to realize that many of the MW have ended your A and chosen to stay with your H. Rebuilding a M is so very hard after an A and I am really working to understand all of the different dimensions. Those of us that have had a DDay might be forced to face it more directly, but for those that haven't the emotional challenges are still there and no less hard. Clearly, a lot of the struggle is rooted in guilt and dealing with our betrayal, but I know that other factors are present.

For me, as a MM involved in an A with a MW, I am trying so very hard not to suffer guilt from that ending (not guilt over the A - I feel that; I mean guilt over ENDING the A). Sadly, I do.

My XMW used to be so afraid that I was going to stay in my M and return to my home (my DW and I have been living apart for 2 years). This was one of the big "trust" issues that we had in our A. Nevermind that XMW continued to live with her H and never seemed to make any significant progress toward ending their M, she didn't trust me; there was really nothing I could do to re-assure her and it was always an issue.

Through my IC, reading about affairs and watching this board, I am coming to realize that trust in a A is an oxymoron. We want it, but can never really have it. How can you trust in something that is built on a lie? I know that we all bring our own backgrounds (ahem, baggage) with us when it comes to trust and intimacy; I am understanding that in most ways the negative affect of our baggage is amplified in an A. As I think about the concerns of XMW, I see that clearly and understand that it was very much a reflection of all the other negativity that exist in an affair - guilt, shame, deceit, dishonesty.

For those of us that are M and were involved with an AP that was M, many brought the issues in their M directly into the A. We all seem to have told our XAPs about our M problems - absence of love, affection, sex, emotion, desire. I am sure we also listened to the problems of our XAPs M and comforted them as best we could. Clearly, this is a part of the dance of the A, and where our "intimacy" forms; it certainly was for XMW and I. As I end my A and my M continues, even with an uncertain future, this has left me having feelings of guilt toward XMW.

This is where this gets a little hard to post here. For single women involved with a MM, I know that having the XMM stay in his marriage feels like a betrayal; clearly it would and clearly it is. However, when the APs are both M, I am trying to understand the dynamic a bit more.

My T is trying to help me recognize that one of the "mistakes" in an A, is to confuse the nature of the commitment. I know that I shared an intimate connection with my XAP; I know that I felt love for her. In normal circumstances, where two people are free and clear (emotionally and physically), this intimacy leads us to be committed to the relationship. I know that I felt committed to my XAP, but am realizing that the commitment was illusory and could never really be. As much as I hate all of the stuff that comes with NC and the end of the A, I hate that she might feel less of me for still being married. I can feel that the disposition of her M is solely up to here. She will do whatever she does. Looking back at the last 5 years, I know that I was never enough of a reason for her to leave and I know that she was never enough of a reason for me to leave. The allure, the attraction, the affection and the sex were never enough. So, why does the prospect of me staying in my M, cause me to feel badly?

As I said, I apologize to any of the single women for this post. I hope that you can understand where it comes from and recognize that it's not just MM that stay in their marriages. There are many MW here that have chosen to stay. I am hoping to hear their points of view.

MPV

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 5:42am

Well I feel a certain torn up guilt over returning to my marriage. I think I feel guilty over letting down a big part of me (and her). She was the first and the one. I wanted her back all my life. During the affair she wanted us to leave our marriages and get together. I wanted that too and still do, I think I always will. I knew though that getting a D and leaving my kids would change me, I didn't know how I would emerge and I knew it wouldn't be pretty. I would have felt tremendous guilt going in that direction. I suppose I feel a sort of guilt knowing that I've said no to the thing I want most in life. Its a strange feeling and very unpleasant. I think I was better off when I felt that I'd been completely rejected by her as a teenager. I'm now stuck with responsibility. I had to stay for my children though, I couldn't live with leaving them.


I find it so stange that W believe that when men stay for their children that they are making excuses and don't really care. I can't get my head around that. I think she believes that I don't love her enough to get a D. It doesn't seem like that to me. Can any women comment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 6:49am

Hi jam


Well I am a woman and I have to say my comment would be that if I was your W and I read that I would be asking for a D.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 7:12am

Yes I feel self sacrifice, yes a bit of a martyr, yes I'm still 'not there' for family. That's how it is. Not good but real. If I could flick a switch and make it better NOW I would. Seems I'm in the same boat as most here, ending, hurting and hoping that things will get better for everyone involved.


I don't think leaving my marriage would have been best for me as I've said. I don't know if staying is best for W or Kids, I'm staying because I think the alternative for me would be worse in the long run. If W and kids benefit from me staying that would be great. I hope so. In the end I'll never know. I can only stay or leave. Can't know how the other way would have worked out. And so it goes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 7:34am

I don't doubt your pain and no, there is no magic switch, but I do think you can try and change your attitude and instead of constantly focussing on what you have lost try and focus on what you have gained by ending the A.


Let me tell you another story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 8:16am
Oh I've gained a lot from the end of this affair. I have no doubt about that. I don't constantly think about it either, when I come here I do. I think though that I lost a lot when I lost her, the first time I tried all this positive thinking but it didn't work she kept on popping up in dreams for decades. Im going to grieve this time - hope that works for me. BTW a parent of mine committed suicide when I was a lad. My thoughts go out to your friend. My mum moved on after a few years, all my siblings still struggle. If I was her I'd get any kids into councelling. Im convinced that event has a lot to do with what's happening now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 12:03pm

Thanks for your thoughts, she hasn't got any kids and I sometimes wonder if that is a good thing, who knows.

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