Questions about closure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Questions about closure.
7
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 11:30am

I really don't have any desire to contact xAP, other than for closure, but from what I've read here closure comes from within. However, xAP and his W both got to yell at me, tell me how it was going to be from now on while I just listened. Can someone tell me why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I get mad (THEN) and tell them how I felt used and betrayed? Why didn't I ask questions, why didn't I get to be angry? This is what I wrestle with now. Anyone provide insights why I'm feeling like this 32 days after NC?

I know I didn't have any right to get mad at his W when she was firing away questions, but why didn't I do with xAP. Why was I meek about it then and now anger about it continues to grow and boil. Normal?

Thanks.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 11:40am

You're right, everything I've read here does say that there is no such thing as "closure" - other than what you feel within yourself. Don't contact him - and REALLY don't contact him to just yell at him.

Believe it or not, during my 7.5 years, I never had a d-day thankfully. I'm sure others will respond that went through it, but for what it's worth, I'm guessing you didn't speak up at the time because you knew what you'd done was wrong. That, and a thousand different emotions I'm sure.

Don't think of your silence as being meek. Think of yourself taking the high road. And stay silent - that speaks volumes about you.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 11:44am
Moving,
A really wise woman recently pointed out to me that the anger I was feeling was really self-anger misdirected. Do you think this might apply to you?
NC is still the best way to go. Please stick to it.
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 1:08pm

Thinking about what you said...and you're right. I didn't speak up because I knew I was wrong about the affair. I just answered questions asked of me, and I answered them truthfully. No more lies. And no I don't want to contact him, and how dumb to want to contact him just to yell and be angry.

I did post last week that I agreed silence is golden, just emotions getting the better of me the past couple of days.

Thanks for taking the time to answer my post.

Movingon

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 1:11pm

Wow. I didn't think about that, but perhaps you are right Dee. I'm sure I'm very angry at myself for lots of reasons and looking to ease my own pain by hurting someone else. But I am just talking...before I wouldn't have thought or talked about it, I would have made the call or sent the text. Now, I'm more conscious of my actions and their domino effects. THANKS.

Movingon

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 6:39pm

Here's a different way to look at it Movingon- they got to yell. They got to ask questions and throw insults or whatever. And you maintained your composure, answered their questions and walked away... with a hell of a lot more dignity than many of us did. Contacting him just to give him a piece of your mind will only throw more of your dignity away. Hold your head up high, girl. You can hold onto that last bit of class you embraced. You don't have to regret saying something you shouldn't have. You don't have to regret looking like a blubbering idiot (like I did). Sure, I got to say what was on my mind and tell him good-bye, but I wish I could have just walked away with some of my dignity intact, because in the end, it just doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. It was a hard lesson to learn- real closure definitely comes from within ourselves.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 1:19pm

Mommybesima,
I feel like your intentions are not malicious but this board is for people who have ended their affairs and are healing or helping others to heal. This is not the place for "all sides of the A" or betrayed spouses. Thank you for respecting the rules of play in the future.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 5:02am
Hi Moving:). The exAP would probably lie to you while you were asking questions. I got closure 4 years ago with mine and even then he was full of it. Closure is moving on with the rest of your life and not having room for him. Many do that so yes you are normal btw;)