Questions about contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Questions about contact
18
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 8:50pm
I have read a lot of posts from people wondering if they should respond to an e-mail or voicemail from an xmm or xom and it got me thinking a lot today. I find that the true power comes in not responding. I don't know about other people, but I felt like I lost a lot of my power when I was in a relationship with a MM. For me, I lost my power by lying to other people about the relationship, putting other things aside so that I could always be available for him, not admitting to when he hurt my feelings because it would put too much reality in the fantasy relationship, not admitting to myself how lonely and isolated I had become, etc. I, like many other people in affairs, tended to smooth things over, apologizing for things that weren't even particularly my fault and doing anything it took to keep peace and keep the relationship going. I was at his beck and call and think I made a pretty good OW. But I lost myself in the process and completely lost my sense of power. I am working on numerous things to get my power back but when it comes to feeling a sense of control over my former relationship with XMM, I find that I get that most power by no response. If I were to write him or call him all that would happen is that my rejection/abandonment issues would kick up and I would be back to waiting for a response. My world would go back to being very small and the cycle would start all over again. That feels powerless and I don't want to be powerless again. I think the frustration from many women who leave these types of relationships is that they continue to feel powerless and want the man to really "understand" them, or want the one more opportunity to explain what the relationship meant or the hurt that was caused, etc. Women have been taught to be polite and don't want to be "rude" by not responding to an e-mail or call. Responding or initiating contact gives away your power that everyone of us desperately needs. I remember a long time ago when a guy broke up with me and I wanted to meet with him one more time for "closure". I ended up sitting there feeling like a pathetic fool and there really was no logic in talking about why you can't talk to the person anymore. Why meet to talk about not meeting anymore? That was just my excuse to get one more fix and served no useful purpose. If you are really looking to feel power and control over your relationship with the man you had an affair with, do not respond. Let him sit and wonder why. For once, let it be someone other than you who is sitting around wondering. It isn't mean, it is reality. A while back I got an e-mail from my XMM and I did not respond. I thought of all kinds of things I wanted to say but not one of them really made a difference and nothing was so crucial that it was worth putting me back in the cycle of waiting and wondering. Because I had previously been such a devoted e-mailer, he left me a message the next day telling me that he had gotten out of bed at 11:30 at night and drove by my house because he was afraid I was dead because I didn't respond. He deduced that I wasn't dead based on the fact that my cell. had not been on the night before but was on that day. I have no desire to have a bitter break up with him because it just isn't necessary but the relationship is over. How you know something is over is when you no longer engage in it, in any form. Do I miss not getting to tell him all the things that have happened? Sure, because I told him everything but that was just a habit and one that I have to break. The best way to break a habit is to practice not endulging in it. What I do know is that there is a chemical reaction to hearing his voice or corresponding via e-mail. You all know what I am talking about, that adrenaline rush that floods your entire system. There is a true addiction component to these relationships and it is a shame that there isn't a 12-step group for this very real problem, although I think anyone of us could apply the majority of the steps without going to a group.

I agree with other posters here who suggest that you write the letters and save them in your draft file. I have written at least 10 of them. The crucial part is that you do not ever send them. What works for me is to refrain from writing about the good times or how much I miss him because that just puts me in a sappy mood that gets me nowhere I want to be. I write about the times I sold myself out, how lonely I was, the anxiety I felt, and the times he hurt my feelings. The reason I do this is because if I am tempted to contact him I read those letters and it reminds me in my own words why I don't want to go back to that and I know that me sending one e-mail or making one phone call will regenerate all the insecurity that I have fought to get rid of.

I don't want venegence on my XMM but I do want to have the last word and the last word is deafening when it comes in the form of silence. Now I am in control and he gets to feel a little bit what it is like to be me by sitting and wondering. I am writing so much because I think it is one of the biggest components to getting your power back and whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, by not responding you are truly in charge of the break up. That feels great!


Edited 9/29/2004 10:41 pm ET ET by anxietyfree

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 9:47pm
BROVO, SO RIGHT ON.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:00pm
You are exactly right and I am living proof of that. I am doign it now.. sent the last last email and waiting for the response! You do get the control when you don't give it away! Maybe I will learn one day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:50pm
I think you are learning right now. After your finger goes numb from hitting the refresh button waiting for the reply (I think I burned out my hard drive doing that when I was in the A), write yourself a letter about what you are feeling while waiting for his response. My guess is that you are feeling vulnerable and insecure and those are horrible emotions to experience. Write in detail about how this feels for you and then save it. If you hear from him and are tempted to respond, read your letter and see if you want to go back to that feeling again because the second you press "send" that horrible cycle starts all over again. On the other hand, not responding feels empowering, once you get over the initial discomfort of changing your behavior. You'll get there and seem well on your way. Best of luck to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:55am
Excellent post! I'm right about there in my situation. It's empowering to be able to MOVE ON from the A; learn from it and apply what's learned.

Awesome!


grace

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:35am
Hi and Thanks: What a wonderful, helpful post! It's a shame some (like me) can only truly accept what you write when they have gone through the process already... before, you just find any excuse NOT to believe/think true words like yours...

My 2cents on achieving + holding NC: I also was an manic email-writer, and I continued to write to my affair for 1/2 a year after he'd broken contact. After 2 half-hearted short mails back, I got no response any more. But somehow, I had to "write myself out", to finish for myself -- that made a good excuse for me to maintain one-sided contact, in the hope of somehow "staying near" him.... it took 1/2 a year, would you believe that.

It "went well" - until one day (very sudden) I realised that I was writing about a frozen-up, conserved relationship, which no longer existed. I suddenly found I didn't know just WHAT to write any more: You can't argue with someone who is no longer there about something that no longer exists. I stopped at New Years's Eve, deciding I would take it 1 day at a time. There was still a lot of pain and desire for explanations - but after just a couple of days I stopped counting the same and have kept NC for over 1/2 a year now.

Sometimes, I still write letters to him which I never send, but this gets less and less, too. I am also still debating whether to send him birthday greetings coming November - but somehow I feel I will manage to get over that day, sad as it may be, without sending off the letter.

He "helped" a lot by not responding while I still wrote - but for the well-being of myself, I should have been the one who acted, not just reacted. We should all try to be the one to let go: Not "to have the last word" (which is still spiting the affair and so, feel revengeful = still feel connected through a feeling) but to help ourselves regain power over our own lives.

So true, anxietyfree: I still suffer from the isolation I built up during the affair, I lost quite a few friends because of this.

Good luck and power to you, anxietyfree, and all the others who are still battling.

Love,

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:00am
"If I were to write him or call him all that would happen is that my rejection/abandonment issues would kick up and I would be back to waiting for a response. My world would go back to being very small and the cycle would start all over again."

What a great way to put it...my world will go back to being very small. That is EXACTLY what happens. Nobody else seems to matter. My family's problems are an annoyance, my co-workers have the NERVE to expect me to be working, the happy events become an interruption in my dark, secret little world. Friends who email or call become a bother- after all, I can't discuss what's REALLY on my mind, so why can't they leave me alone? Weekend plans and invitations are overshadowed by wondering about XOM. When H tries to make plans, I half-heartedly participate. Nothing matters, all of my energy goes in to dealing with my emotions over XOM. I'M READY FOR MY WORLD TO GO BACK TO NORMAL! I'm tired of this teeny weeny self-absorbed world of XOM.


"What I do know is that there is a chemical reaction to hearing his voice or corresponding via e-mail. You all know what I am talking about, that adrenaline rush that floods your entire system. There is a true addiction component to these relationships"

Oh, yeah. I learned the hard way that even when I feel strong, any contact from XOM kicks those chemicals into gear, and I lose ALL reason. Just makes me realize how dangerous it is to have any contact with him. I really do get high and swoon when he's around. Any tips for that when I do have to still see him at work?

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:39am
free,

You are SO right!

I've 'not responded' to several of his emails and it is empowering.

Someone wrote 'when there is nothing to say, it's best to say nothing'.

We control our actions and not responding is definately an action!

I used to feel good when he would send me a note - now I feel anxiety and

ask myself 'why is he doing this?'. Then I read it and delete it. I'm sure that one day I just won't care anymore.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:36am
Hiya Lilyann,

<<>>

Oh, this is an easy one. It just requires some imagination...

Picture him on the toilet, trousers round his ankles, red-faced & straining, breaking enormous wind and then watch as he excavates & consumes a juicy booger afterwards...

Now tell me, Lily, after really focussing on this image, on a scale of 1-10 how much do you want him?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:38pm
ewwwww. posie!

haha, you are so right, though! :)

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:07pm
I found your response very charming. Oh, I so know about writing and writing in an effort to get only God knows what. I did that in a former relationship except it was before e-mail was really common so I mailed letters (which one would think there would be more time to think and maybe stop oneself, but not me) and I called. The ex-boyfriend was gracious because we had been very good friends before anything started but as you know, you look back and roll your eyes later. I laugh now about it and was relieved to read your post and realize that I was not the only person who endulged in such behavior. You managed to figure it out after six months.....well, let's just say I was a bit of a slower learner. :)

You mentioned the November birthday. I just went through that. Not only was it his birthday but it was the "anniversary" of when our affair first started. That had been the most special day of the year for me and this year it burned through me. I learned a few things that may or may not help. First, do not send anything to him and do not contact him in any way. All it will do is start the cycle of waiting to see if the gesture is acknowledged and will put you back into the dark place that you have fought so hard to get out of. If I had to do it over again I would have prepared for the day like I was going into battle. I did end up calling everyone I have ever known. I called childhood friends who I have not talked to in five years. I just kept talking to anyone who would listen. Of course, I did not mention me having been in an affair but I didn't trust myself to be alone. It worked out well because people who thought I had disappeared off the planet were very happy to hear I was still alive and I reconnected to important people in my life BUT I was still sitting at home alone. I found that my pain turned into anger towards him. Why? For cheating on his wife? The same behavior I not only encouraged but knew from the very beginning. I realized that the truth was that I was painfully aware of how alone I was and it was only because I had not prepared for the hardest day of the year. So I would humbly suggest that you prepare now. Make plan after plan that will keep you busy from the moment you wake up until you go to bed. Be with people who love you and will be in your life next November and 20 November's from now. Otherwise, you sit around and think about who is important in his life and who he is celebrating with. The best way to counteract that feeling is to surround yourself with the people who are important to you on that day. I am hoping that his next birthday does not feel like this one did but nonetheless, I will absolutely prepare and be far more self-protective. This is just a suggestion and you may already have your bases covered. Best of luck to you and I hope you write here in November and let us know how it is going. If you have a success story of how you handled it, it would be great if you shared it with the rest of us.

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