Questions about contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Questions about contact
18
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 8:50pm
I have read a lot of posts from people wondering if they should respond to an e-mail or voicemail from an xmm or xom and it got me thinking a lot today. I find that the true power comes in not responding. I don't know about other people, but I felt like I lost a lot of my power when I was in a relationship with a MM. For me, I lost my power by lying to other people about the relationship, putting other things aside so that I could always be available for him, not admitting to when he hurt my feelings because it would put too much reality in the fantasy relationship, not admitting to myself how lonely and isolated I had become, etc. I, like many other people in affairs, tended to smooth things over, apologizing for things that weren't even particularly my fault and doing anything it took to keep peace and keep the relationship going. I was at his beck and call and think I made a pretty good OW. But I lost myself in the process and completely lost my sense of power. I am working on numerous things to get my power back but when it comes to feeling a sense of control over my former relationship with XMM, I find that I get that most power by no response. If I were to write him or call him all that would happen is that my rejection/abandonment issues would kick up and I would be back to waiting for a response. My world would go back to being very small and the cycle would start all over again. That feels powerless and I don't want to be powerless again. I think the frustration from many women who leave these types of relationships is that they continue to feel powerless and want the man to really "understand" them, or want the one more opportunity to explain what the relationship meant or the hurt that was caused, etc. Women have been taught to be polite and don't want to be "rude" by not responding to an e-mail or call. Responding or initiating contact gives away your power that everyone of us desperately needs. I remember a long time ago when a guy broke up with me and I wanted to meet with him one more time for "closure". I ended up sitting there feeling like a pathetic fool and there really was no logic in talking about why you can't talk to the person anymore. Why meet to talk about not meeting anymore? That was just my excuse to get one more fix and served no useful purpose. If you are really looking to feel power and control over your relationship with the man you had an affair with, do not respond. Let him sit and wonder why. For once, let it be someone other than you who is sitting around wondering. It isn't mean, it is reality. A while back I got an e-mail from my XMM and I did not respond. I thought of all kinds of things I wanted to say but not one of them really made a difference and nothing was so crucial that it was worth putting me back in the cycle of waiting and wondering. Because I had previously been such a devoted e-mailer, he left me a message the next day telling me that he had gotten out of bed at 11:30 at night and drove by my house because he was afraid I was dead because I didn't respond. He deduced that I wasn't dead based on the fact that my cell. had not been on the night before but was on that day. I have no desire to have a bitter break up with him because it just isn't necessary but the relationship is over. How you know something is over is when you no longer engage in it, in any form. Do I miss not getting to tell him all the things that have happened? Sure, because I told him everything but that was just a habit and one that I have to break. The best way to break a habit is to practice not endulging in it. What I do know is that there is a chemical reaction to hearing his voice or corresponding via e-mail. You all know what I am talking about, that adrenaline rush that floods your entire system. There is a true addiction component to these relationships and it is a shame that there isn't a 12-step group for this very real problem, although I think anyone of us could apply the majority of the steps without going to a group.

I agree with other posters here who suggest that you write the letters and save them in your draft file. I have written at least 10 of them. The crucial part is that you do not ever send them. What works for me is to refrain from writing about the good times or how much I miss him because that just puts me in a sappy mood that gets me nowhere I want to be. I write about the times I sold myself out, how lonely I was, the anxiety I felt, and the times he hurt my feelings. The reason I do this is because if I am tempted to contact him I read those letters and it reminds me in my own words why I don't want to go back to that and I know that me sending one e-mail or making one phone call will regenerate all the insecurity that I have fought to get rid of.

I don't want venegence on my XMM but I do want to have the last word and the last word is deafening when it comes in the form of silence. Now I am in control and he gets to feel a little bit what it is like to be me by sitting and wondering. I am writing so much because I think it is one of the biggest components to getting your power back and whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, by not responding you are truly in charge of the break up. That feels great!


Edited 9/29/2004 10:41 pm ET ET by anxietyfree

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:52pm
Hi Lily,

Your post made me remember something very important. You mentioned how the rest of your life and committments went by the wayside, and in a short time I have managed to minimalize that until I read your post. My work definitely suffered and since I work with abused children that is a really bad, deterimental thing that affected far more than me. But I remembered when my cell would ring (the one I bought so that he could have instant contact with me) and it would be a friend who was lovely and had done nothing to ever cause me harm but I would be angered that the phone had rang and it wasn't him. I wouldn't be mad at him but so annoyed by the friend who got my hopes up that I wouldn't answer the phone because then I was in a bad mood for a couple of hours. Affairs hurt so many innocent people and your post was extremely helpful in remembering that. I was disengaged from the rest of my life because my life revolved around one person. Thank you for that reminder.

As for the work situation. Oh Lord! That is the worst. I have been through that and don't envy you at all. Okay, so this isn't my only affair. I had an affair with a married man before this last one. We were great friends and everyone at work loved to see us together because we were fun. After a year of "fun" we started an affair. I broke up with him at least 10 times because it was so wrong. He was willing to leave his wife and new baby and had made steps to do just that. The reality of that hit me like a hammer in the forehead. I was about to be the true homewreaker and I couldn't live with myself and was disgusted that he could do that to a wife who had committed no wrong and leave his new baby. So I ended it. The problem was that I had to work with him everyday. Luckily, my job had amazing flexibility so I didn't have to physically be in the office everyday but when I was I went through a wide-array of emotions. Somedays he was sulky (which always irritated me because it seemed manipulative), somedays he was witty and charming, and other days he acted like I was invisible. I wish I could claim that I didn't cave but I did a couple of times. The complicated part in our little scenario was that the directors felt his performance was inadequate and asked me to take his job. I had given up the job due to grad. school time constraints and lobbied for him to get the job. I was then out of school and clearly saw his inadequacy in doing the job. After a lot of negotiations, I took the job. I did talk extensively with him about it and worked out a deal where he still had a job there and made the same amount of money. Well, that blew up and my last contact with him was him screaming and swearing at me (he had never yelled or sworn) in the presence of children and he was fired and ordered off the campus that day. So, my story ain't the greatest but what I did find was that there was a formula that I could have used that would have saved both of us a lot of heartache. The days when I had scheduled myself to be busy and unavailable worked well. I would see him at the staff meeting and virtually not make any eye contact and then I had appointment either in my office behind closed doors or appointments outside of the office. The minute I allowed he and I to be alone was the absolute recipe for disaster. It is also okay to tell the man that you know you have to work together but that you cannot be alone with him, even if that means keeping your office door open. As far as the feelings it generates, ugh! The sight of the man on a weak day can nearly bring you to your knees but if there is any predictability as to when you will see him, I would suggest that you have a plan ahead of time. Schedule your meetings for that day or "act" very busy on those days. Yes, I went so far as to fake phone calls so when he knocked on my door I could tell him I was on the phone and would need to get back to him later. Okay, so I hid in my office until he left but a woman does what she has to do. There were days that I longed for him and it was nearly overpowering. What I would do now if faced with that is that I would write an autrocity list and keep it near me. Write down all the times he hurt you and how you felt. Write about how insecure you felt when he seemed to ignore you. Remind yourself of the times you felt fragile and then write about your new committment not to let yourself go back there. Pull that sucker out and read it when you see him and feel weak. What I do know is that it got easier and easier to see him. It takes time but it got easier and by the end he kind of repulsed me. It is a tougher and longer process but I know you can get through it. If in doubt, not only get on this board but read the affair board with the posts from the women agonizing about not hearing from the MM and how sad and lonely they are and it will remind you of the time when you were there. I find that helps a lot. If nothing else, write, write, and then write more on this board. Please let us all know how you are doing with a very delicate situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:52pm
<<>>>

Not to judge, by why did you have another affair after such a bad experience as the first one? You sound so wise in your posts, like this time you have finally learned your lesson, but do you ever fear falling into this trap again? How long was it after the ending of the first one before you began the second one? And why????? I know you mentioned abandonment issues and have sought counseling...Do you think this will help you break this destructive pattern? God, I hope so, considering your field of work.

I also work with my XMM, daily, up close and impersonal. IOW, he's in my face when I wish he was in the Phillipines :) Anywhere but here....and it's been an internalized catharsis day in and day out. I've had to battle every demon thinkable, mostly the one where I want to chop him up into little pieces and feed him to the flies!!! But, dealing with my poor choices, lack of judgement, inferiority complex, self-esteem issues, and improper conducts could not have been more "real", when it's an everyday test of strength and courage. I was able to finally crawl out of the dark morphed into a completely different person, but I would not suggest this course of action to ANYONE wanting to become a better person.

With all that said, the one major lesson that I give myself an A+ on (Ok, maybe a B-)is this: NEVER EVER AGAIN. This was just TWO MUCH WORK.

I wish you well in your future endeavors...

~True~




Edited 9/30/2004 6:09 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 6:02pm
Thanks for the wise words, anxiety free, :)

I will save your post and read it over and over again!!!

Update: I just had to see him face to face. I did ok, but felt shaky and weak. Was a nervous wreck, but got through it.

Sigh.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 6:26pm
Hi,

Yes, I did have an affair with a married man before my last affair. The time frame was within months of one another. I made the same mistake twice in a row. While I was in the second affair I started to realize that there was a noticeable pattern and questioned what was my problem? I don't know how many strenghts I actually possess but I do know that I have a gift with children whose parents have emotionally or physically abandoned them. This is usually due to drug use and although my parents were not ever drug users, I intrinstically knew the pain of seeking a parent who couldn't be there. So, I started examining what my problem was. The first time may be a fluke, the second time starts a pattern. I realized that I was chasing the unavialable love through men, that I had not received from my father. Once the first affair man wanted to REALLY be with me it started to dawn on me that this was selfish and I had unresolved needs but I wasn't ready to be truly honest with myself. Nearly a year ago I came to a very painful realization that I would always follow this pattern if I did not resolve the issues with my father. My father and I have always discussed politics and sports and nothing else. Our relationship was emotionally vacant and I never felt as though he even liked me. But I made the pivotal call. I called him and although I did not say that I was having an affair with a second man (deeply religous father), I think he read between the lines. I told him that I need him and I to go into counseling to resolve the issues and he agreed. That is where my healing began and that is how I left my second affair. I did long, hard work that helped me grow a lot as a person and as a woman. It was gut-wrenchingly painful at times but that is what set me free and allowed me to leave my affair and to start reclaiming my life. Where my work suffered was in the second affair because I simply was not as present as I needed to be. I work with abused children and with incarcerated males and there were too many times that I woke up feeling desperately depressed over my own life choices. My work suffered because internally I was a depressed invidual. I could be with those kids in the moment and do good work but my spirit was deflated. I wanted an end to that and so I chose to do very painful work. I can't believe how much it helped. I had the textbook knowledge but I had to face my dad over and over again in order to put it into practice. Do I think that I will get into another affair? I honestly don't think so, although I still hold my guard up and am vigilant. I came out of the process realizing that I was never going to find a man who was going to heal the wounds from my father's and my relationship and that I was a grown up and it was time to get over it and take accountability for my actions. I have taken accountability for what I did and have learned so much. I know that I could get MM back in a minute but I choose this time not to give into my previous dysfunction and start a new pattern. It does not matter if you make the mistake once or 50 times as long as you finally learn and make those necessary, but sometimes painful changes. I have learned this lesson at 33 and have not given up hope on myself. My plan of action is not get into any type of romantic or sexual relationship for a long while. I want to continue to grow as an adult and make up for lost time and then when I am ready, I would like to meet a man on an equal, healthy ground. That is all that I can do. I hope that answered your question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:31pm
<<<>>>

Wow! You've come a long way, baby! :) Thanks for your honesty.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:54am
Dear anxietyfree - not a humble, but a very good suggestion to have my bases covered for his birthday! It's so good to read someone who took a long time to stop writing - I had thought maybe I was the only "weakling" in this respect... maybe I should post the letter to my affair (whichI've been working on for along time) here on the board - for consideration/ripping apart by all :-))

This birthday thing may be a teeny bit easier for me than it was for you. His 1st birthday was when we'd only known each other for a short time. He wrote me he was going to invite friends (his long-term-partner was coming, of course), baking a cake, having a little celebration. Of course, I was not invited.

I still remember so well how alone I felt that day, how excluded from his life, how hard it was, sitting alone at home while he was celebrating... and how I felt when I got a melancholy email from him (after everyone had left), stating how alone he really felt.

The feelings I had this day should have been a dire, serious warning to me what this thing would turn out to be - but I didn't take the clear hints then, I went on with the affair, although I knew better...

Amongst other things, your post has made me realise that I NEVER ever want this feeling again in my soul + in my guts. It's shaming and humiliating.

So, I will prepare, but I wouldn't want to make this day extra-special (because it isn't!). Maybe I'll just work out in the fitness-studio after I cleaned the whole house, or do something I have never done before - which always makes me panicky enough to be unable to entertain bitter-sweet thoughts... It will be a Friday night, so finding something to go out with my DH in the evening shouldn't be too difficult, either.

Added to all this, he is (recently) married - so I can rightly let his wife take care of any melancholy he might be feeling...

Thank You for caring. Knowing others are going through similar times makes us all stronger, I think. And being able to come back here even with setbacks and bad nights for a sympathetic/constructively critical ear (or 2), makes this board a safe haven and an excellent means to continue on our healing roads.

All the best to you, Love,

Marion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:54am
I sure hope that I have not been one of the posts you have received that has felt critical because we have all been in the same boat and committed the same "sin". No judgement here and NO ONE on this board should be heaving any judgement on you. It sounds like you are well on your way, in charge of your life, and will do just fine! Just do us a favor and let us know how you did it in November so that the rest of us can learn from you example. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:16am
Dear anxietyfree, there was no undue (and no unconstructive) criticism in the posts I received, but some posts of those amongst us who have put an affair successfully and forever behind them were harder to take because they're passed that stage where some things about the affair can still be hurtful, and because they come over so strong and settled in their argumentation - which is a good example (for which we are thankful) for those of us who still have their "sentimental moments" (sometimes those come up for years and years, as I could read here, too), but also hard to take at times for those who were not able to achieve complete closure yet.

I would guess most of us do still feel weakish at times; I know I, after all the thorough analysis and truth-seeking I've been through, still have some terrible nights and moments. Maybe they'll never vanish completely, maybe seeing and looking at the REALITY of the affair will never alter my original feelings. Maybe the affair WILL stay a personal tragedy for myself and will never seem a gross mistake I made; maybe the man involved will never become a turd in my eyes...

If that will be the case, I would simply want this to be acknowledged by others as a valid truth, as my own truth - even if it does not conform with THEIR truth, namely that there can never be true love or friendship in an affair, because an affair per se is morally wrong and can never render any true feelings...

Every one of us achieves different closure, some do it very late or never. Even if our stories, our feelings and our struggles are often quite similar, we are still differing women with diferring minds. This is what I think we should acknowledge in kindness.

Will let you know how I manage in November. Having a bit of a hard time at the moment, due to changing perception of my own affair (long over) and the fact that DH and I are not as near as we could be...

Love - and Thanks for your post,

M.

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