Questions about why?????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Questions about why?????????
4
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 7:59am

After reading another thread commenting on how many of us are strong, independent, self assured women, why did we allow XAP to get such a hold on us?


I too "was" a self assured woman who most people would se as strong. I am the one that others go to for advice and support yet here I am today, after a 16 mth A that destroyed my self worth. Thankfully there was no DDay but my marriage is still a work in progress.


Anyone have any thoughts as to:


1. Why we let XAP have so much control over our self worth?


2. Why its so hard to pull ourselves out of the deep hole that the A left us in?


and


3. Will we ever be the same?


Thanks in advance and heres to an uplifting and positive day ahead!!!!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 9:14am

Hi GMLB-

I think the "Why" is personal to each of us, but stems back to a deep seeded issue within ourselves, whether that be "Daddy" issues, low self opinion (internally if by all outwards appearances we seem strong and self assured), trust issues... the list could go on and on.

Many of us are in T to help figure out the why... and it's important to do so for yourself so that you can work on "fixing" the issues that led you down that path. For me, I've discovered through T, that my issues stem back to my childhood. I was always supported by my parents and pushed, but they were almost too supportive and pushed too hard- causing me to look to them for constant validation. It was that need for validation that led me to my affair. Also, I grew up in a house where "emotions" were frowned upon. I was tagged an "emotional" person early on and taught that you should not express when you are upset. This has caused me to stuff my feelings down, close everyone out and stop communicating, which led to the deterioration of my marriage. I became afraid to talk with my husband because I didn't want to appear "weak," or "irrational" if I expressed emotions. My H reinforced this behavior in me by telling me early in our marriage that he would "not be manipulated by my tears." This sent a loud message to me that it was not OK to express myself honestly.... and so began my downward spiral that eventually culminated in the A.

But I digress. I am sure others will have opinions, but I do not think there is one universal issue that causes us to turn to an A. You need to do some serious self reflecting, which T can help with, and figure out the why within you.

As far as why did we get sucked into the cycle and find it so hard to break free... I think that comes down to getting the need met that was missing from our lives- for me, the validation and the ability to express myself openly. My xap offered that refuge for me. And then I became addicted to the high of getting my needs met and my ego stroked.

Anyway, that's just my two cents :)

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 9:23am

GMLB, All good questions. I was just thinking about the first question. I've never given ANYBODY so much control over me in my entire life. I have no answer for that. As far as, "will we ever be the same?" Dear God, I hope not! My A changed me in so many ways. Most importantly, I feel that I have gotten "over myself". I don't think I was ever a selfish person, however, it seems I made life about me a little too much. Having experienced grueling pain of ending an A, I have become a more compassionate person. When I sense that someone is in pain I feel the need to comfort them. I am more aware of people and the goings on in their lives. Being this way has helped me to take the focus off of my pain and I have been rewarded tremendously. People begin to be drawn to you and it feels good. My A made me realize that I am blessed beyond words. I don't think I would have ever really appreciated what I have had I not experienced the last 2 years. So, yeah, I will never be the same, and I thank God for that. Sometimes blessings come out of bad situations.

Thanks,
AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 10:45am

gmlb, like Jane said, there are many answers to your questions and we all have different issues that allowed us to go into an affair. My "reasons" are multi-faceted. I wanted to prove to xAP he let go of something special many years ago and he screwed up. Stepping back, I see that is a self esteem issue and also a validation issue with me. I also felt I deserved the attention because my own marriage was lacking in emotional support. I felt I deserved xAP's attention because it was my time, I had given so much of myself to my H and children for so long, I wanted something to call my own. Crazy huh?

It was hard to pull myself out because in typical affair fashion, I became addicted to the feelings I got from the affair. Notice I say the feelings I got from the affair, not the feelings I got from xAP. Big difference there and it takes getting out of the fog to see they are not the same.

No, I will never be the same after experiencing this storm. I know myself so much better and finally I have the guts to admit to myself what I did and why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 11:42am

Because strong, independent and self-assured women

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.