Questions that are driving me nuts......
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| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:32pm |
- Why do the wives forgive and take them back??????
- Are we to blame 100% (as my XMM and his wife says) for the A?
- Was everything a lie? After the A was over, he said that everything he ever said to me was a lie and I never meant a thing to him. But days later he said he only said those things for his wifes benefit. Do all men feel and act this way?
- As intelligent woman, why weeks, some people months after the A we waste time and energy on these men? They don't deserve it, yet we still do it.
- What made me such an easy target for this XMM? Not once but twice. 8 years ago and again 2 years ago. In total I've spent 3 years in an affair with the XMM.
- Will I ever get over him?
- And finally, does anyone have a magic pill to stop us from still caring?? I know that I will always care about XMM and yes even worry about him.
Thanks for your input and please feel free to add your unanswered questions.
Xterra
Edited 12/18/2003 1:22:11 PM ET by xterra2003

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I do not know the particulars of your relationship with your first wife, but when I read aspects of your post it does sounds to me as though you are blaming her a little. Even though, you use the terminology "share in the responsibility," it still sounds like blame to me. Of course, I am receiving everything through my filters.
Consider this. You made the choice to be unfaithful for 17 years. You could have instead made the choice to voice whatever your unmet needs were. What could have stopped you from doing that? In my mind only you control that. Your statement:
"listened as my stbxw explained to the marriage counselor that we would have a successful marriage as soon as I fixed what was wrong with me.......so much for an opportunity for complete candor for me."
Why did that statement stop you? It was the perfect opportunity. If it wasn’t accurate, challenge it. Perhaps she was right but not in the way you or she thought. The part of you that needed “fixing” could have been the ability (i.e. courage, confidence, whatever) to be truthful with others (especially your wife) about your thoughts, feelings, needs, insecurities, etc. Were you completely honest with all of the other women? I bet you weren’t.
My husband had an affair. I think that perhaps he did not feel the freedom to completely express himself. Had he ever freely discussed his reasons for the affair, his words probably would have hurt? But they wouldn’t have hurt anymore than the betrayal. Even as we sat in the counselor’s office for 6 months, he couldn’t express himself. While writing this I had an epiphany…..Prior to the affair, I do not think that anything he could have said to me would have hurt me. Because he was my husband and I felt safe with him. If he had a complaint then we had work to do. There wasn’t any pretense from me. I had been completely open and honest. Perhaps, he on the other hand had not. So I think that maybe even in the counseling sessions he couldn’t express himself because perhaps he couldn’t figure out where to begin. The affair was the BIG secret/lie but perhaps he had been keeping smaller secrets/lies for years. These secrets would be those where his disclosure would be a revelation of his inner most person. He chose not to reveal. Why wouldn’t someone reveal himself or herself? I would suppose that to do so is to risk rejection. If all of this conjecture on my part is true, it is absolutely too bad that my husband couln’t take me for my word early in our relationship (over 15 years ago) when I said the only deal breakers are infidelity and physical abuse.
"Does the "safe" feeling create an enviornment of open communication or vice versa?" Maybe my husband didn’t ‘feel’ safe. I have to honestly say geeez….. I own my feelings. No one else is responsible for my feelings. My feelings may or may not be valid/understandable in a given situation. But they are just that…. my feelings. I am absolutely 100% responsible for how I choose to deal with my feelings. I can open up and address them head on or do a myriad of other less productive things.
"And, in my second marriage, it's been clearly established that we have an expectation of each other to speak and work through situations before either of us reach a point of keeping a secret from the other."
I am glad that you now have such a fulfilling marriage. I definitely had a similar expectation with my husband. “We talk and work through whatever is bothering us.” Am I partially responsible because he chose not to do so? No! It was his choice. Is this blaming him? I do not think so. Do I get any satisfaction from maintaining his responsibility for the choices he made? Not a bit. He made his choices and I in return have made mine.
"I believe those that want to find a way to stay together will do so together."
You are exactly right. People do what they want to do. This applies in all situations. People have affairs because they want to. My husband wanted to have an affair and disrespect our marriage vows and me. And, he did so. After my discovery of his affair, I later started one as well. Yes, the OM talked to me and flattered me but I engaged in the illicit relationship because I wanted to and chose to do so. I would not have done so prior to my husband’s affair. But, it was still ultimately my choice and subsequent actions. Would any amount of communication of my unmet needs have prevented my affair. Nope. I no longer trusted or respected him. The relationship was over.
NR, I find the people on this board to be incredibly accepting and supportive. I appreciate and value this. I think that I risked a lot in writing this response because I am sure that my thoughts about the “wrongness of infidelity” come through very loud and clear in this post. I think that to post a differing perspective on such an emotional topic is to risk ridicule and rejection. However, of what value is a relationship where I couldn’t express myself? Do you see the analagy I am trying to make? I hope I did not offend you. If I did, I did not intend to. In case you couldn’t tell I am still struggling to understand my stbxh’s behavior and choices.
How do you add color to your post?
I thought some more this morning about candor and went in a little different direction.
There is a certain dynamic that must exist in a relationship that would allow a long-term affair or series of them. It is a dynamic that allows the cheater to feel justified or empowered and and the betrayed spouse to remain ignorant (if the affair is supposedly unknown) or victemized (if the affair is known).
My husband's affair lasted about two months. Prior to the affair, I knew he was unhappy (stress, his long term unemployment, his chronic physical pain). I was unhappy because he was unhappy. I hurt for him. However, he did not find an effective way to cope with all of the feelings/emotions he was having. Also, no effective way to communicate his needs to me. I knew he was hurting but I could not get to him. He chose to shut me out. Even still, I suspected the affair very early on. Probably the week it started. I had never in our 10 year marriage suspected him of infidelity. As my suspicions grew, I got in a weird place. I felt so guilty for suspecting him. I questioned him. He lied and I felt even worse. My feelings of guilt (how could I think that about my dear.) almost made me stick my head in the sand and further perpetuate his lies. I wanted to believe the best about him, myself, and us. Also, the more I felt disconnected from him the quieter my voice became. That safety I discussed in the previous post. I no longer felt it.
Thanks for listening.
Chris will you please check the font size of your post and enlarge this and future posts? My old eyes can't read what you posted due sto small size....and my screen is a 19" one.
Thanks,
David
How do you add color to your post?
My screen has an adjustment bar in it for
So, survivor, here you are. Past h's 2 month affair and your own. I have some questions for your consideration, and I'm not expecting you to post answers to them here. They're offered as food for thought for you and stbxh.
It's now past the time where both of you have had affairs. And hopefully clearly you both see that the communication you had with one another for 10 years of marriage broke down. Poor choices were made by both of you. Trust and respect is at an all time low. Mistakes, serious mistakes in judgement were made by both of you.
Can you forgive yourselves for making those mistakes? Can you forgive your spouse for making serious mistakes? Do you still love your spouse? Is life
Did the best I could in editing!
~Chris~
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