Questions for MW with Single OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Questions for MW with Single OM
24
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:53pm

I haven't read everybody's story here, but I have a question for the married woman having an affair with a single man. Is divorce an option you want to take? If not, why not? Is it because of children? Do you still love your husband? Do you love both your DH and OM? Is the affair due mainly to some sexual dynamic at play? If you had a magic wand and could change everything, would you make the OM your husband and make it so you never met your current husband? Do you think if you were divorced the OM would still be appealing?

Thanks for any answers. I'm just trying to understand better.

Skip

skippxt




Edited 1/13/2005 2:56 pm ET ET by skip_mcgillicuddy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 12:21am

Hmmm...all good questions. And I wish I had the answers to at least just one of them :-)

I have felt different ways at different times during the A. My H is a great guy and EXACTLY the kind of person I always dreamed about marrying. Honestly, I'm not sure what led to the A. I wasn't even physically attracted to xOM when I met him. But our personalities seemed to fit so well together, and what I thought was ahrmless flirting turned into a full blown A.

Were there times I THOUGHT about leaving H - yes. Did I - no. We have no children, and yes, I love my H very much. Funny you mentioned a magic wand...I at one time told xOM, I wish I had one and could just turn back time to before I married H. Honestly though - now that I am out of the A, I'm so thankful that wand doen't exist!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 9:30am

For me, my husband works a lot of crazy hours and also has a huge social life outside of the house. It left me empty and lonely. It just so happened I ran into an old love (who I will always love) when my husband was away out of state for the weekend on a football trip with his friends. I think that is how this started, loneliness. I do love this OM and always will. I love my husband too. I feel I love them differently though. I don't have kids, so that wasn't the reason I didn't leave my marriage. I didn't leave my marriage because if it didn't work with OM, I would of blamed myself for the choice I made and never of been able to live with myself. I am still having problems in my marriage, but me and OM ended the A a few weeks ago. I know I have to concentrate on the issues in my marriage to see where it is going to be.

Are you M and seeing a single OM too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:05am

Great questions Skip!
<<>>>
At the beginning and during the first 3 (the most passionate) months of my A, yes I did want to get a divorce. I did not want to leave my H for my single OM however. I just wanted to be free to be on my own for once and see if there was someone out there better suited for me. The A kind of made me think that the grass would be so much greener on the other side and with any other man than my husband. Boy did I have alot to learn!!!!!
I was so quick to find every little fault in my H, basically to justify to myself that what I was doing wasn't so bad because he was such a big mean old husband, and he was the reason that I would stray to begin with, and so on and so forth.
<<<<>>>>
Yes, very much. We have been together for 10 years, married for 6 and have an awesome 3 year old son. But I am still not convinced that we will always be together. He has some serious (abusive family) issues to work on as do I (not enough room to list them all) and I kind of have fear for the futureas far as when the big blow up will eventually take place.
<<<<>>>>
I never loved my OM. I had feelings for him. I still do even though he has hurt me so badly. It's hard not too when you are involved (and i use this term loosely) with someone for a year and a half. I was obsessed with how he made me feel. Even when he made me feel bad. I like attention.
<<< Is the affair due mainly to some sexual dynamic at play?>>>>
I don't really know. We had a purely sexual relationship. Towards the end I rarely even talked to him. It was ALL about sex. (and between me and you-hee hee- it was not that mind blowing.) Back to me wanting attention any way it will come. (no pun intended)
<<>>>
NO FLIPPING WAY IN A MILLION YEARS!!!!!!!!
<<<>>>
I'm pondering this one........ I would have to say probaably not! But maybe for a one night stand! LOL

Thanks again for the questions. That was fun!
~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 2:50pm

Nope, I'm single. I'm just curious and want to understand why this happens so I can watch out for it.

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 2:55pm

Skip,
<<<>>>

Are you trying to pick up a married woman? LOL

~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:01pm

Now that you mention it. There is one I'm attracted to, but I've made it clear to her that I won't get involved unless she's free. That's funny, that might be why this board holds some sort of fascination for me.

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:04pm

~Are you trying to pick up a married woman?~

Nutt,

You crack me up ;)

**Id**

Oooooooohhhh....and psychic too :)




Edited 1/13/2005 3:12 pm ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:23pm
Skip,
I thought maybe you were gathering research for a book. =)
Or maybe you are and the book will be titled "10 Ways To Get A Married Woman Into Bed"
I joke. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. 10 points for you if you know what movie that was from.
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:49pm

No, divorce is not an option. My ex-OM knew from day one that I was in a happy marriage. The A started off with harmless flirting, then suggestive emails, then cybersex and then actual sex. It was fun having someone pursuing me and I was attracted to him. I had no idea how far it would end up going. Deep down, the affair was because I was having some sort of mid life crisis (at 30!) and wanted to do something crazy because I have always been the perfect conservative girl. Also, the only person I ever had sex with was with H and I really wanted to know how it would be with another man. I just ended things because I knew it could not go on forever. I couldn't risk H eventually finding out. It's been tough because I'm still constantly thinking of him, but I'm sure it will get better. I'm just lucky that my H is the most wonderful guy in the world. Yes, you might wonder why I would cheat on my perfect husband...but I think I needed to just so I know how perfect he is....otherwise, I was starting to take him for granted.

I will admit that I do not regret what I did because the A had ironically saved my sex life with my H. Ex-OM opened up my eyes and showed me just how amazing sex can be.

I love my H with all my heart and he is my soul mate. I do have feelings for my ex OM and I care about him but if I was single, I don't think I would ever have a long term relationship with him. A friend and sex partner, yes, but not a husband.

Hope that answers your questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:52pm

Hi Nuttmeg27,

I do have an insatiable curiosity that can take hold of me sometimes. Right now, I admit it, it's with affairs. I have personally had two situations come up where I became mildly infatuated with attached women. The reason why I've not had an affair, however, is because I know and like their SOs. I'd feel terrible for doing that to these guys.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being attracted to a married woman if you simply don't act on it. When the OW starts outwardly expressing an attraction for you and draws you into situations where you're both alone where I can have trouble. When this happens, though, I defuse the situation by praising their SOs like crazy and that generally tends to put a damper on things. Now if these women had mauled me the moment we were alone, I'm afraid I might not have been as honorable as I like to think I am, but I don't know I have never had that happen.

I also have this fear that if I cheat, then one day I'll be blissfully in love and my SO will cheat on me. I'd be devastated if that happened to me. I just don't think I could personally recover from that. It would always be there and I'd resent the hell out of it. So, I don't want to generate any bad affair karma on myself, LOL.

Skip

skippxt

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