Questions for MW with Single OM

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Registered: 11-29-2004
Questions for MW with Single OM
24
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:53pm

I haven't read everybody's story here, but I have a question for the married woman having an affair with a single man. Is divorce an option you want to take? If not, why not? Is it because of children? Do you still love your husband? Do you love both your DH and OM? Is the affair due mainly to some sexual dynamic at play? If you had a magic wand and could change everything, would you make the OM your husband and make it so you never met your current husband? Do you think if you were divorced the OM would still be appealing?

Thanks for any answers. I'm just trying to understand better.

Skip

skippxt




Edited 1/13/2005 2:56 pm ET ET by skip_mcgillicuddy
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Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 3:59pm

Thanks. I appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:35pm

Skipster,
Game on.
<<<>>>
I also have an insatiable curiousity with pole dancing- but my ass is still firmly planted at my desk today.

<<>>>
My question to you is, do you think you were infatuated with them because they were unavailable, therefore there was no risk of putting yourself out there in a real relationship? Or was it the thrill of conquering another man's wife?

<<>>>
Why were you alone with these women to begin with? If you appreciated their husbands so much didn't you think that being alone with them was a bad thing to do? I'm not attacking you, just curious.

As for the bad affair karma, i don't know if i buy that. Things happen because they were meant to happen. That's just my Zen like opinion.
Thanks for your time,
~nuttmeg

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 5:05pm
Oh Gawd, Nutmeg--been reading your posts--this afternoon and finding them to be quite hilarious. Good questions for Skip, here. Let me ask you this Skip, what about the forbidden, the taking of another man's wife? The feeling of having conquered a woman who had needs to be fulfilled and she let you fulfill them? The only reason I ask these questions is b/c honestly, I think that is definitely a part of what turned me, a married woman, on when interacting with the single OM. He had no obligations, no strings, and he seemed to "get" me in a sexual way--which is how i belive most of these things go. I would never in a million years leave my DH for him. Too unstable, and of course, I'm sure he'd eventually cheat on me. A are completely self-serving and sick. Something I never thought I would be a part of, but there is so much exhilaration and sneakiness, getting to be someone else----like dating someone new again. Like having some variety and doting attention and feeling really attractive, when you think someone else has taken you for granted. Then there's the ole 10 year itch---that's what it was for me, anyway. I held out a good 10 years before I had my midlife, wondering who I am, who am I here for, and hey, this cute guy thinks I'm special. Sick. Just be a doting man to your potential SO--tell her she's beautiful, even when she has zits, surprise her at work and take her to a nice lunch. After you have kids, don't ever make her feel like she has to be in control of everything that goes on in the household--even though she may act like she wants it that way, she really doesn't. Women like for men to be in control---even if we buck it---I think that's the general consensus, though. Don't have any substance/alcohol abuse issues and pitch in at home. This will more than likely guaranntee you a spouse who doesn't want to stray. I felt haggard and used for a long time until I finally couldn't give anymore and took my emotional vacation. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 7:26pm

I meant regarding women who cheat. I haven't been perfect, but I've never cheated.

I was mildly infatuated because these two women were a) intelligent and interesting b)they were gorgeous. I considered their SOs because I wouldn't want to hurt them. <-- Really, that's true. I don't really get a thrill from conquering another man's wife. That's not what I'm into. It has zero appeal for me.

I was only alone with one of them because we worked together, she lived near me, and she needed a ride to her apartment for a week because she didn't have a car. She also asked me to take grocery shopping and I did. I loved the attention, don't get me wrong. I was smitten with her. When she invited me up for tea I had tea and brought up her SO. That put a damper on things and I left. She knew I liked her, but I made it clear I don't cheat with women. If she had had the strength to simply tell her SO she wanted out, then I would have been all over her. She had to know that.

So that's how it went.

Skipster

skippxt





Edited 1/13/2005 7:27 pm ET ET by skip_mcgillicuddy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 1:17am

Nuttmeg writes: .<<<< Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. 10 points for you if you know what movie that was from. >>>>>
~nuttmeg

Yippee!! I get 10 pts. One of my favorite alltime movies "Steel Magnolias" (and i have a crappy memory so that will tell you I loved it.! I believe it was said by Clarice (Olympia Dukakis)after Sally Field slapped Weezer lol...
Lizzie (10pts ahead then I was yesterday)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 1:30am

Skip:
If I was gorgeous I'd invite you to florida. If you are single, focus on single women who you can use this honor-of-never-wanting-someone-who-cheats-so-I-dont eff em thing- on those great single women who deserve and need good guys..(familiar feeling for me but I slipped and let him eff me one time...guilt and self responsibility stopped me further...still recovering from the mindf&6k that had more lasting reverberation and the self-guilt for having broken my boundary at 39yrs old...dammit i was really proud of myself for so long) .
If you must focus on gorgeous women ::sigh:;so be it but focus on SINGLE wonderful women nonethelesslol. Let the married women focus on their current situations. Don't be a symptom (which is all that i am reduced to with him and he is onto the next bandaid).

Single and gettin' gorgeous in florida, (inside and out)
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:34am

Thanks Lizzie. I'm sure you're a gorgeous woman and humble to boot. Your husband no doubt adores you. The number one reason two people end up with each other is proximity. People tend to get involved with others that they work with or live next to or simply see a lot. At the moment, I'm surrounded by married women. That's the only reason why I've had a couple of these scenarios come up. It is easy to think, like so many women on this forum, that this married person is very unique and you'll never meet another quite like her/him. I entertained that thought briefly and then realized it was ridiculous.

This thread did help me to realize something, though. The interaction between a married person and a single person is different than the interaction between two singles. It's easier to be yourself when the other person is unavailable. When you're with a single person you can end up turning into a buffoon-- not the loveable kind, either.

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 8:50pm

Skip writes: <<<>>>

welp...I guess I didn't make it clear. I am single, never married. But i read your theory about why the attraction to married women or the difference in relating to MW as opposed to Singles. I can see that because of the "unavailable" factor. But...I felt that way right up to the point where I found out the guy I was flirting and had sex with (once) was married and then I still hung on to the idea of him for 3 months after. I NEVER wouldve done that before. I often thought like you did about a few MM before him. I stayed their friend only and was proud of myself yet saught the safety and attention of them for being an awesome woman perhaps because I feared intimacy in general. (I think that is where you were going with this). Of course that is not what i *knew* at the time. But i stayed a virgin until 24 (late bloomer compared to populus i suppose).
Ive only had sex, never made love (no one has truly claimed to be in love with me that I felt was real stuff...only one and he didn't know what love is really...trust me on that...i really feel you need to know someone in many ways for that to "be").
Anyway...back to my point of my response. A) I am not married never was. So no husband who adores me lol and B) Don't be so sure you will always have such resolve as to never ever act on your feelings regarding married folk. I never thought.....in a kajillion years....I would be posting on an Ending Affairs Board...just 5 months and 3 days ago. EVER.
Don't tempt fate if you can help it. Stay strong with your convictions. Don't get so wrapped up into thinking...."i am special" or "this is different" when/if you do meet someone (who is MARRIED) who knocks your socks off more than anyone you've ever met in your whole life. No matter how much responsibility they take for both of your actions.
Believe me when i say this...If i can break a boundary...anyone "can". Hopefully most dont because they can. I wish I could put myself back in that category again. (The real loss I am feeling is my innocence...I am still guilty because I didn't walk away so fast when I found out about them being married).
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:40pm

This happened 20 years ago (or more). No, divorce wasn't an option only because of the young children I had with my husband; my H was a good father. I didn't love him but he was a good father. No, my A wasn't primarily sex; it was primarily friendship and being totally at ease with another person -- we could talk about anything and often did. But the sex was great because everything outside the bedroom was so great.

I got a chance to see me OM years down the road, after the A had ended. We spent almost three hours together. I was glad I had not married him; I did not like who he had turned into. "Be careful what you pray for -- you just might get it."

I think -- I may be wrong -- that I'm the oldest woman on the board. What I've learned from experience is that no matter what relationship we have, the fireworks don't last forever. Somewhere into the relationship, we will become bored because that's human nature, because the chase is over, and the relationship then starts to be work. Prince Charming turns into a frog (more or less), and the same with Sleeping Beauty (although they haven't written a fairy tale about that yet). It's just that some frogs are easier to live with than others.

I want a relationship like Katherin Hepburn and Glenn Ford in "On Golden Pond" or Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" -- because those relationships are real. Those couples really love each other. The "Phantom of The Opera" is great drama -- but it's a fairy tale. Our A are fairy tales full of drama -- and we get hooked on them like a drug.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:22am

Hey bella,

I loved your post it gave me hope.

I am not doing very well with the NC. I'll keep trying though, maybe I'll get it right!

I love DH, but I love OM too. I just love them both differently. I guess I got involved with OM because I was so lonely in my marriage and had many issues to deal with involving my child's learning disabilites. It was nice to have a "break" from all that and feel cherished and loved.

But it isn't always like that.

Here lately, I feel ignored at times by OM. It's messed up. Om tells me crap like "If you were single, I'd BEG you to marry me!" and then he tells me I should stay when I tell him that I'd leave everything to be with him. What a switch hitter! It sucks because we were friends for YEARS before we got involved sexually. It makes me feel like such a sucker...

SO, I think I'll keep trying to extricate myself from this crappy situation. I hope I can get to where you are now: Grateful that you didn't end up with OM. (are you still married to your H? Not that it really matters. You got YOU back--that's what really matters.

About those fireworks: I have hope that after I get myself out of this mess, I can get some fireworks started with DH. Maybe a weekend get away--just the two of us--is in order...

Cherry