Questions for MW with Single OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Questions for MW with Single OM
24
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:53pm

I haven't read everybody's story here, but I have a question for the married woman having an affair with a single man. Is divorce an option you want to take? If not, why not? Is it because of children? Do you still love your husband? Do you love both your DH and OM? Is the affair due mainly to some sexual dynamic at play? If you had a magic wand and could change everything, would you make the OM your husband and make it so you never met your current husband? Do you think if you were divorced the OM would still be appealing?

Thanks for any answers. I'm just trying to understand better.

Skip

skippxt




Edited 1/13/2005 2:56 pm ET ET by skip_mcgillicuddy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:53pm

Hi Lizzie,

10-4, Roger red leader, over and out. Well, that's it. I'm going to stop assuming everyone here is married or attached to someone. Anyway, I didn't mean to come off as self-righteous in my previous posts. I'm human, too. Yeah, under the right conditions, I'm capable of an affair- anyone is. One of the reasons I came to this forum is because this possibility does seem to come up with me at times. Affairs do really turn me off, though. I would hate all the complications, secrecy, and anxiety- not to mention guilt. I just don't want that sort of Jerry Springer show complexity in my life. From what I've read here, affairs are tedious, tortuous, dead-ends and when I think about it that makes sense. There really isn't much room for growth, but there are plenty of roadblocks to keep you occupied. I don't want those complications.

Someone might say, "Oh, you just don't like the woman enough." That's probably true. You mentioned that you slept with your MM once and then had a hard time shaking him for three months. I don't think that would happen to me. I've had my heart stomped on before so when things don't work out for me I cut my losses fast, deal with the pain, and roll on- sometimes in a damaged, fragile state. That's just been the way I've dealt with rejection. There was a time I'd pine for a woman and keep up the chase, but those days are long gone. It's not so much a fear of intimacy with me, but more of a cynical, misanthropic social outlook. I don't often trust people's outward motives. That's one of my issues I'm conscious of.

Therefore, if I were in an affair and my lover said she was going to file, then I'd be all over that. I wouldn't compromise much and if my lover wasn't taking the steps to file, then I'd be hurt and cut my losses pretty quickly. Obviously, I have never been in that situation so who knows what would happen in reality. I have an extremely low tolerance for frustration and tedium, however, so I don't think I'd be able to cling to her for very long. That's just me, though.

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:13pm

I wish it were that easy. Women always gauge you on how genuine your compliment is. After all, any ol' guy will tell them how beautiful they are. No, in order for your compliment to get passed the BS detector you have to come up with something unique. The easy cliche is the kiss of death ("Ho hum, yeah I'm beautiful- heard it before"). So you have to figure out how to make stealth compliments. When you're really good you learn to make Kung Fu style compliments that a woman figures out 3 days later. If you pull it off the compliment will appear to have come straight from your unconscious, that is, if they notice. Otherwise you made a great compliment, but she's totally oblivious. Your wife could be extraordinary and you could be madly in love, but you still have to figure out clever ways to show her how genuine your feelings toward her are, argh, women.

Kids? Who said anything about kids? Not me. You don't think she'll really want kids, do you?

Skip

skippxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:22am

Skip,

You sound alot like my xOM ;-)

He was a few years younger than me (I'm 28). He was hurt very deeply by his first girlfriend. Swore he would never go through that again. Since then, he decide he was going to be the "confirmed bachelor". Liked dating (and sleeping with) lots of women, didn't want to be tied down, etc.

Then he met me...he fell in love w/ a married a woman. I was the first woman he ever said I love you too and the first woman he ever wanted to marry. He broke things off with me because he knew that as much as I loved him, I loved my H too. I have a great life w/ my H - he is amazing. My friends and family think he's great too. xOM felt like he could never comepete with that, and at some point I would break his heart - so he broke mine first.

<<>>

I guess what I'm saying is, just don't let that cynicism control you and take over your life ;-)

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 6:35pm

Thanks Diva. You're absolutely right. skippxt

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