raises its ugly head
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raises its ugly head
| Sat, 10-09-2010 - 11:47am |
Right before going home from work yesterday, a new male co-worker stopped in to say hi and chat about work related stuff.
| Sat, 10-09-2010 - 11:47am |
Right before going home from work yesterday, a new male co-worker stopped in to say hi and chat about work related stuff.
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Well, Dee, it' s all about retraining that brain of yours to react to attractive man as being JAM. Perhaps finding a new mantra to say over and over again when you encounter guys like this such as, " I am M and you are off limits" Have this tape running in the back of your mind as you are speaking to him/them. I don't have this problem anymore because to me all men are trouble now. I've disabled my flirty switch and flipped on my, "Don't go there" switch. As soon as I see a wedding ring I am totally turned off now anyway. If anything, I've learned that it doesn't matter if they are M or S. If I meet them at my workplace, I have my "unavailable" face on and keep conversations strickly business.
I know you are still a young, vibrant woman who has desires I no longer have, but keeping them under control sounds like something you need to keep working on. Have you read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirely Gross? If not, get a copy or find time to browse the library and read it. This book will open your eyes to the pitfalls of workplace interactions, no matter how innocent we might think they are.
Also. remember you are under a lot of stress right now so that "Escape" latch could be lingering in the shadows again. Find a way to disable it's mechanism so there is no way to open it.
(((Hugs)))
I have bbeen trying to respk d to your piat on myipad and it has been tough. this new format is a pain in my big A, i am on my ipad so forgive typos... gramar, punctuation, the usual bad writing with me
first, u r not a whore, nor should u feel whorish, i have been in your shoes. i have had men from all different settings make me feel the way u described. i am no longer M, but when i was bored, or feeling like my M was not what it should be or exciting, i would be looking for sum attention from some man somewhere. i just wanted to feel special, beautiful, important. n if a good looking, competent anybody came around n paid me some attention, i would start living in my fantasy world.
i still deal with this now that i am single and alone... days i feel like i do not need validation from a single soul, other days, i am bored and lonely n need some pep in my step. i have really worked on self awarenesss. old, long habiys die hard. the good thing is i am recognizing my patterns of behavior and consciously trying to avoid them. n rediredt my behavior, easily more said than done. i try everyday. thats all i can do.
back to you, have u noticed this before? him, what attracts you to him? wgat is it about him thst makes you feel the way u do? u say, your not normally attracted to people, why him? n whats up with you as of late? are u looking for a distractuon from real life? not assuming just asking....i am still catchimg up on posts n i know ur mom is ill. i am truly sorry and i lost my dad to cancer n all i did was engage in horrific self abuse with anyone willing to indulge. not saying thats what you are doing, just sayimg thst whenever my road got rough, i made poor decidions and acted on impulse instead of my better judgment.
whatever u do, dont beat ur self up, we do that enough around here. we have done that in and after our A's....we need to be our own new biggest cheerleaders. how else do we recover from these A's.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
i posted by accident...i was not done.
to continue...i am thinking you just need to keep things with this person strictly professional with him. do premptive LC. can not hurt....ur desires while normal and natural (not whorish), can be detrimental.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
thanks for the support Iddy and Luvin.
i am saying its ok to be hard on yourself at times to be careful we dont fall into old patterns, but not to this extent....chin up! n know that u r on thr right path and have been....so while ruined in the past....no more now
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hey Dee,
I've just read your message sitting in an airport where I have been eyeballing the 'cutie' who sits now with his back to me. It's funny, because I had the same feelings that you have just expressed in your message. When I saw him in line, I thought to myself wtf is going on? I was looking to make eye-contact, and so desired some kinda sign back that he was attracted to me too. But you know what, after I got through the "sh*t TU, what's wrong with you ... you're always looking for validation from men" speech ... I got a grip and realized that it is to be totally expected that we will *always* be attracted to other people. That's okay. It is what to choose to do with those physiological reactions that matters. Ya sure, it would be easier if we just weren't attracted to ANYONE other than our significant others, but I would go toe to toe with anyone who tried to tell me that that was the case for them. Unfortunately, what "fires together fuses together" and for a long time what fired together was feelings of attraction with "wrongness" so that when we were with our xAP and feeling all sexual and attractive, we were battling deep feelings of shame, guilt and self-loathing. It takes a long time to untangle those associations, and to come to appreciate that we can feel attracted to others, that that is part of the human condition, but that we won't act on these feelings inappropriately.
I also like what Iddy said in terms of making new associations - like any MM or MW is off-limits (well any man/women if you are partnered) and any one you work with is OFF-LIMITS. This is what I am totally working on. As soon as I see a ring, I am in LC mode ... even if I am not concerned about my actions, I am NOT going to make another woman ever again wonder what the heck is going on with her H. I am at a weird point in my life - separated but not divoced and 'free' to date. However, I am not going NEAR the dating scene until I can fully trust myself again, and can feel confident in my ability to make healthy & wise decisions for myself.
I also think the questions Luvin asked are vital - the answers I think hold the key for us to understand why NOW? and why HIM?
I think I have more to share, but I gotta go catch my shuttle!
((hugs))
dee,
hold your head up and have some faith in yourself.
Hey gorgeous Dee
I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Its natural human instinct to be attracted to the other sex- sex and procreation is what we are designed for- and physiologically we havent deviated from that evolutionary hardwiring. So be gentle on yourself honey. We WILL look at men, we WILL have a physiological response. Gosh babe- thats how Hollywood survives!!!!
BUT does that mean you want to actually have sex or an EA with that man? Does that mean you will enter the fog and act in ways that are destructive to your self esteem, your integrity and you love for others . THATS A BIG FAT NO!!!!!
So the response to another male is physiological, basic DNA. Its our function as a PRIMATE!
Our choice to do NOTHING about it is what we do as adult women - its our function as a HUMAN!
Our guilt, questioning our natural response, our terrified gut wrenching feeling that we are hovering near the fog again- thats our response as a reformed AP! We no longer want that feeling, so it scares us.
Relax Dee, enjoy the fact that your body is performing naturally and pumping out some oestregen when it sees an attractive male of the species. Enjoy the fact that your human response is 'nice, but no thanks'. And accept your response as a former AP that led you self-flagullating all the way home:)
Me..? Im off to lust after Xavier Bardem in Eat Pray Love. Grrr that man makes my oestregen bubble merrily to the surface. Then I will come home, look my delicious H in the eye and say '''.... mmmm baby Im glad Im married to you'!
Iggy x
Hi Dee,
I had to laugh at what Transecend wrote.
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