Rambling

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Rambling
6
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:56am

Hi All. I have been having some rambling thoughts and I needed to share. First, for any of you that read my post describing how I had broken NC and called xMM in a moment of weakness when I was having a rough time - he has since called me and asked me to get back together. My thoughts on this - I know for my emotional well-being I cannot ever engaged in any form of physical contact with him. As a female, I equate physical intimacy w/so much more than just being phyical. I overanalyze, I attach feelings, the works. Further, for any of you that know my history with xMM, he hurt me really bad - took advantage of his position of authority and acted at a time when he knew I was vulnerable. All that being said, I am having a difficult time firmly closing the door forever on him. I mean I know how to and I know I should, but knowing that he still wants me, knowing that I developed an attachment to him, is making it very difficult for me to take the step that would be final.

Second, my M is a rollercoaster and it's very draining. Some days my H is very caring and loving to me, other days he is the complete opposite. I often feel as though he does not respect me or my individual goals in life. I am also having a very hard time feeling sexually attracted to him. It's more just going thru the motions in that department.

Finally, I am having a hard time coming to any conclusions and acting on them. I seem to change almost daily in regard to what to do to make me happy. I think I'm scared to actually make decision b/c no matter what decision I make there will be hurt for someone and most certainly for me. I realize that by making no decision, I am also making a decision, which also makes me miserable.

I just feel so young and dumb!!

Blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:33pm

Blue:

Have you heard the saying "young, dumb and full of c_m"? Your affair partner is looking to get his jollies off again, and if you do this thing, you will TRULY be "young and dumb". Leave it alone. If you get back into it, it's just more trouble for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 7:37pm

Blue

I think that a big part of your problem is like a lot of XOW you fail to realize that your husband can be triggered at this early stage of your marriage recovery by many things, his downs when he may be a good deal less then loving are caused by the emotional triggers.

Recovery for the B/S takes a lot of time and total commitment from the W/S to do what ever it is going to take, I am not suggesting that you should put up with abuse but understand were he is coming from put yourself in his shoes how do you think you would be doing at this point in time ?

It is no great surprise that with all the emotional explosions going on in your marriage that your feelings toward your husband are messed up right now, But in time this to will pass if you do not do anything stupid like have any more contact with that parisite.

Remember this is tha creature that got you drunk so you could not effectively resist his physical assult on your body and personhood, there was no miscommunication he knew what he was doing and planned it, he is a rapist, it is doubtful you were his first victim or that you will be the last.

He needs to compansate for that tiny little penis that he has so he uses drugs and manipulation to bed married women...this is a bad guy STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

Stay sober

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:23pm

As always - thank you Free. I really am learning a lot from you & appreciate your wise insight. I guess it's often hard for me to understand H's triggers b/c they are very unpredictable. And they seem to really show up on the days I need support or peace b/c of stress from work or extended family. I think that unfortunately I take it as him shutting me out when I need him the most. Maybe that's what he's doing, either on purpose or not, I don't know. It just hurts b/c it makes me feel even more alone. But rested assured, I would not stay if he ever got mean to me. It's more just emotional abandonment.

I'm glad that you keep drilling it home that xMM is such a bad person. I don't think that all xMMs are bad people, but when I really look at the facts objectively it shocks me that someone I cared about could be so uncaring, have such little regard for someone else. I think it's easy for me to forget the actual bad things xMM did or perhaps I try to block them b/c I don't want to believe that I would voluntarily let somebody treat me like that. I think this is further complicated by the fact that he has done a lot of really helpful/nice things for me at a time when no one else did, so I find it easier to excuse his behavior. But bottom line - the bad seriously outweighs the good. I should probably acknowledge the fact that he most likely did those nice things for me as his own twisted way of getting into my head.

I personally don't understand what his continued interest in me is. I'm not knocking myself or anything - I think I'm a hottie :) But, let's get real - he only wants sex, I don't for one minute ever believe that he has feelings for me, so why continue after he got what he came for last spring and hasn't gotten any from me since (except that one stupid kiss this summer)? I've seen the way women look at him and I'm sure he has women more than willing to do whatever it is he wants. I guess I shouldn't waste my time wondering.

And you will be very proud of me that I haven't been resorting to drinking at all!

Again, thank you so much for being there for me & giving me strength to see what a jerk xMM (and his teeny tiny penis) is.

Blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:58pm

Blue

I think you may remember these links, I think you will also see certain aspects of XMM explained pretty well.

http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/

http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/women.html

Not every Narcissit has every symptom so you should not expect to see them all.

The big thing is these people male or female cane not handle rejection, it goes far beyond Sex.

They are master manipulators they learn it from childhood and normal people rarely are a match for them in the games they play.

It may be that your MORE A WARE of your husbands distance and state of mind when you need him then you are when you don't, you don't dwell on water until your thirsty then you can't get it out of your mind.

This is going to be a long slow and difficult learning process...BUT when you go through adversity that is when you can expect to grow the most if you are determined not to let it make you bitter.

The same is true of relationships approached with a determination to struggle through the hard times together can cause a relationship to grow in ways a couple that never faces them together will ever be able to understand.

Your not beaten tell you quit.

And it gives me no little pleasure to see the progress that you are making as a human being and Woman, you may not be aware how much you have changed sense you started posting here....Make it up in your heart/Mind that the only direcction your going in life is FORWARD, the past is were it belongs leave it and X TINY MAN there.

Free

PS: You should fall down and thank God that your not XTMs Wife having to live with his SHORT COMINGS!!! ;o}

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:18pm
xMM's poor poor W. Not only is he a major jerk and constantly cheats on her, but he's sooooo lacking - it's actually hilarious :-) Ahhh, but it's always good for a laugh when I need to feel pissed at him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:06am

hey blue,

i like your attitude, small ***** comment made me laugh tonite when i read it, i wanted to drink alcohol but i know its not going to help at all, im glad u are not drinking too

max