Ramblings of an almost crazy woman
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| Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:26pm |
I had a very strange weekend. I had a date Friday night which was with perhaps the sweetest guy I've ever met yet I felt no attraction whatsoever. I came home and cried in my stairwell unable to bear the pain of not being with MM. The next morning I had to pull myself together and go meet another contestant from the internet dating game - which was a disaster. I came home and emailed MM (we are having no contact while he *goes* thru his divorce and *gets his life together* after my waiting two years for him to fulfill his promises of marriage to me) that I was having a hard time and couldn't go on anymore dates and hoped he would come back to me after his divorce and his life was together. He responded that he loved me and would come back and we would see what this all was between us....Today I woke up and this thought occured to me - THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE ME - it probably sounds obvious to anyone else but to me it was a revelation. He does not love me and that is why I have been treated so badly for two years. Suddenly it all made sense. All the broken promises and duplicity and lies and twisting things around on me. He just doesn't love me.
So what does it mean when everything you held true is exposed to be a lie? I no longer know now what is true and what is not. Since I split and divorced my husband for MM, my exH has been in counseling for the 2 yrs trying to fix himself and win me back. I thought that I did not love my husband and that I loved MM. Or rather, I believed MM really loved me and my husband did not. I realize now that I have no idea what love looks like. I thought love came in a package with strong emotions and passion and the incredible in love feeling that I've had for MM for the last 2 years and that he projects back to me. But if that is not love and he does not love me, what is love?
Ivy
PS. Since I admit I am 32 and have no idea what love is, I met my exH for a glass of wine today and agreed to meet the Friday nt date for lunch this week.

Ivy,
You're getting on with your life, and that is SO important. By dating and moving on, you are doing the very best thing that you could do. How I admire you! It is so scary when we have those "revelations" that our APs do not mean what they say. I often wonder exactly the same thing you do: How can everyone else see the truth about this guy, and I can't for whatever reason.
For me, my MM said he would leave his wife in June. Well, lo and behold, as it creeps towards June, he is all of a sudden unsure of this whole thing. The only two people who know about my EMA tell me that he is never going to leave. So, why do I (an intelligent, sensible woman in most regards) choose to go on believing HIM over two people who love me very much? Do you think it will take me really growing to hate him and all of his lies, in order for me to end it for good?
Hang in there. Just know you are not alone in any of this.
Birdie
Yes. Its amazing and totally pathetic if we take a step backwards and take a look at the situation and what is going on here. We are waiting for a man to leave another woman to be with us. Think about that sentence. I have never sunk to such a pathetic low in m life as I have done these last two years. I participated and enabled in MM's lies to his family. When I left my husband 2 years ago now and told him that I was leaving for MM, he told me I was making a terrible mistake. He said that a real man does not lie to one woman to be with another and on top of it, encourage her to leave her husband to be with him without his own situation resolved. Two years later I realize that my xh was right.
Ivy
Girlfriend,
I really believe that it was perhaps too soon for you to date anyone. Perhaps don't be with ANYONE right now.
You didn't have enough distance between you and your MM. I have no idea how much time elasped since you two "broke up". Prince Charming could date you and you wouldn't feel they compared. The chemicals in your system haven't disapated. Of course you come home and cry.
Give yourself a chance to breath girlie. Now you are going out with exH? You are so addicted to the attention and adoration of someone in my opinion its blazing off the page of your posts. Its easy for me to say these things because I spend more time not in relationships with anyone than Ive been in throughout my entire life. I don't expect people to be in my situation to this extreme but there is a happy medium.
You know after one date with someone if you are ready to date other people. You thought about MM during and after your date. You weren't ready. The during part is the most crucial. You may not meet mr. right on the first time out. Do practice dates. Promise nothing until you are ready however. Whatever you do....please do it with honest intentions. You may be trying to do too much and will confuse yourself even more. Please for yourself and other people ...tread lightly but with very open eyes and mouth. Self awareness is most important right now.
clarity, wisdom and strength to you,
Lizzie
Thanks Lizzie. I actually am honest with these men (unusual for me). Obviously I don't tell them about getting over MM, but the 1st dates were off Match and noone expects you to commit after one date for a drink or coffee. I also took a vow of celibacy until I am in a new healthy relationship. I definitely am not looking to hurt anyone. But...sitting home alone makes me dwell on MM and feel extremely depressed. Distracting myself by seeing that there are eligible single men out there helps a bit. Maybe this is wrong but I've wasted 2 years being alone settling for scraps of time from MM and its May now and I am ready to have fun with someone. I am sick of sitting alone pining away.
Ivy
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Yep! I think you are totally right and glad you have the attitude that a coffee or a movie light dating thingy ..is JUST the ticket to getting out...getting to know others...and seeing yourself in a different light ...AND get distraction...is not committing or betraying and feelings you have. You may have up and down feelings about this...will want to date and get out and then perhaps not ..then resume etc. There is no right way to grieve..just be careful of the wrong ways =)
You ain't as crazy as you lead on to be =) ...you got it right Ivy!!!
{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Lizzie