Random Monday morning dribble......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Random Monday morning dribble......
11
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:50am
Just some free associating thoughts here.....

**First, to all the "new" faces I'm seeing here....Welcome and {{big hugs}}. Read often, post often. No matter WHAT stage you are at with this, no matter how many "relapses" you have....we are here, and BOY do we ever understand. This is, by far, one of the loneliest and hardest road you will ever walk--but you are not alone....you have MANY who have created the path before you; those that walk beside you; and those who are following your footsteps.

**What a disappointing Mother's Day I had. :-( My h made me breakfast (nope, not in bed), which to him IS a big deal. Two of my dd's made me cards (I have 4 dd's, 16,13,6,4---the 2 in the middle made me cards), that essentially was it. My 16 yr old didn't even have breakfast with us...she woke up, wished me a Happy Mother's Day, and went back to sleep until about 12 pm. (but she is fighting a cold). My h then went out and bought some hanging baskets for "me" and a rose...and also bought his mom some plants and then took one of the kids and spent some time with her (she's in a nursing home and had been to our house the night before for dinner). I decided I wanted to take my Mom out to lunch, but it ended up being dinner. She decided to try this Indian restaurant, so me and family pick her up and go out to eat. And guess what...my h stuck ME with the bill. He conveniently took our 6 year old outside for a walk, along with other 3 kids, just as the table was being cleared. Since our funds were low, it got slapped on my credit card. All I kept thinking is....my god, am I THAT horrible of a mother and wife???? I always believed that children will learn what they are taught.....and I personally think my h has NOT taught them well. On reverse, I think, that maybe I don't deserve it...but the fact that I gave birth to HIS children, I would think that MAYBE I dserve a little more.

This morning, I told him I was disappointed...his response was "what? why? I did so much for you yesterday"....sigh, he doesn't get it.

Of course, this all led to me obsessing about exMM all day. What he was doing for his wife....and probably how he WASN'T EVEN thinking about me. The rejection I felt yesterday was just overwhelming...from exMM, from my h, from my kids. Yet, I think I set myself up...again and again, for these situations. I have to figure out why. The whole time at the restaurant, I kept thinking about exMM because we had talked about this same restaurant and he said how he frequently goes there and likes the food.

**God, I just miss exMM so much today (see above). Yet, I keep thinking of what Clarice wrote about the obsession/expectation/obsession circle. I know if I email him now, it will just set me up again but somedays I can think of nothing else.

**Why do I keep obsessively checking my email when I know there will be nothing there???

**Psycho moment: Yesterday after dropping off my Mom, we were driving home and exMM lives not to far, on the way home. So, I drive past his home...and no one but me in the car knows this. The whole time I kept thinking: why am I doing this? but yet I felt relief to see his car in the driveway and mentally I wished him well. I'm teetering on the edge of psycho-ness.

**I think that as long as I stay married, I will always obsess about exMM. He provided what my h did not...and trust me, it was NOT a lot, but, hey to a starving person, crumbs are a feast! But I feel so heartbroken over the loss of exMM (whom I never really had) that its hard for me to focus on what I need to do to get out of this marriage.

**Sometimes I feel like I fell into a Twilight Zone episode, when it comes to understanding what love is....you know, where it appears to be going one way and then at the end its a twist and its just the OPPOSITE of what you thought???? I mean, what I thought was love....wasn't. And what I thought love wasn't.....is.

My h has been emotionally/verbally/psychologically abusive for years....but I always believed him when he said he "loved me", and I got caught up in the cycle of abuse/honeymoon stages. What I thought was love, turned out to be control and power issues.

My exMM never utter the words "love" to me; never even so much implied it. But yet, I learned more about love, understanding, patience, generosity, responsibility, spirituality within the 2.5 years we knew each other. And IF you really love someone, you let them go, to do whatever it is they need to do and to be where they need to be. But, GOD, does it hurt like heck. So, is THAT love?

I keep looking over my shoulder for Rod Serling.

**What scares me, that if he ever emailed me, I would probably be tripping all over myself with joy and I would most likely fall victim to this ALL over again. Yet, I don't want to have to go through this again....but yet I miss it. When does the see-saw stop?

**I just wonder, probably uselessly, if he even KNOWS just how hard of a time I am having with all this? I mean, I never really told him much about how I felt, because I knew it would end things (my problem....had I been MORE honest with myself and with him, I probably could've avoided much of this grief). But sometimes I think, how could he NOT see it...he had to know on some level.

But then I keep telling myself, WHY would it matter what he thinks? I think, sometimes, it would just validate my feelings in a sense, that I wasn't in this by myself, and I didn't totally create something out of nothing.....but then again, maybe I did.

**So many, many posts these days are filled with such good things...I LOVE to come here and read....but I'm trying HARD to be more active in my real life and stop using the internet as a crutch.

ok...I think I worked off my obsession to email exMM.

Hope you all have a great day! Happy Monday.

dharma


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:12am
Hugs to you, Dharma. Your post made me laugh. You're very creative. My first response is that the holiday "Mother's Day" ought to be obliterated. My kids went the opposite direction - they almost killed me trying to make it the best day I ever had. UGH! I know this probably sounds awful of me to say and I should be overflowing with gratitude, but my DS10 basically erected a shrine to me in the dining room on Friday nite - all these pictures she made taped onto the walls about what a wonderful person I am. I feel like such a fraud!!!! I've shared with my T and my NA sponsor that I don't think I was really cut out to be a mother and its been the toughest job I've ever had to do (now part of that may be because my youngest child is completely physically handicapped and suffers from an incurable neurological disease, the same disease which took my youngest son's life). Anyway, my hat's off to DH - he asked DS10 "what does mommy like least in the entire world?" and she knew the answer right away: "chaos????" "YES! and isn't that what you're creating here???" "well, yes." "Can we give mommy those pictures in a pile and let her enjoy looking through each one individually without creating an " - my word, not his. OMG, I feel awful sharing that, too.

In "defense" of your family, Dharma, I think that your experience was pretty typical. I'm in a different situation because my kids have a higher level of awareness of what I struggle through as a mother. They know how difficult it is to take care of my DS6 ("doodles," I call him), and that I buried their younger brother. Things have to be BIG to make an impact on kids, and until they're grown with kids of their own they really can't appreciate what being a mother means. Your H? Well, that's a whole other story...

I fell into the trap of missing my exOMM last nite, too (see my post Late At Nite for those ugly details).

Dharma, you sound like such an awesome person. You're interesting and creative and intelligent and I'm sure your kids KNOW that. But Mother's Day is just such a set-up, in my opinion. Noone ever does what we want to mark those occasions. Yours underdid, mine overdid. Either way, its behind us both for another year... And what really matters is how your family (H excluded, of course) treats you and thinks of you all year long. Plus, once kids are past like 2d grade, the teacher no longer helps them make cards and gifts, so they're on their own. Teens and tweens are so self-centered that I doubt they get the message and if your H didn't make it a priority for them to understand the importance of the day, they probably don't know enough to do something on their own. JMHO.

Please keep hanging in here on this Board, Dharma. I understand your desire to be in real life, but we're in "vibrational harmony" here. You're a big part of this community and I love what you have to say. Have a better day today!!!! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:28am
>>>**What a disappointing Mother's Day I had. :-( <<<

Gosh, I couldn't help but comment on what you said here. I think when you are in a different stage in your life you may look at this differently. It sounded like a pretty good day to me.

People will ask my H what he's getting me for Mother's day and his response is always, "Nothing, She's not my Mother" and yes this use to bother me a whole lot. Yesterday was one of the best Mothers Day I ever had. There were not gifts other than school made ones, but it was what my girls did all day long.

I'm getting ready for church and my 8 year old comes to me and asks me to go back to bed because she has something for me. Despite the fact I'm dressed and ready for the day, I hop back into bed. In she comes with a tray with 2 mostly frozen waffles, half a gallon of chocolate syrup on them and a half a cup of coffee, since she didn't want to burn herself. It was the cutest think I have ever experienced. (Now mind you since I had already been up for a few hours, I have already had breakfast) So I eat breakfast #2.

After church I head outside to plant some flowers, all of a sudden here comes the 8 year old to help, shortly followed by the 14 year old who asks if I need any help (What?, a teenager who wants to help) and a little while later the 16 year old shows up outside (and she's not there just for gas money). So here we are, the 4 of us, working around the yard and playing. We're talking and laughing, we have a kite out and bubbles. I look at my girls and I'm thinking that this is what it's all about. I am so lucky that my girls are happy and healthy and they chose to "hang out" with me. It was such a great day. H never muttered the words "Happy Mother's Day" and you know what, I don't care one bit. He is so good to me in so many other ways that it doesn't bother me anymore.

Anyway, just wanted to share this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:58am
lifechoice and mo....

I *know* deep down what both of you said is right, but honestly, it doesn't necessarily make me feel better...LOL. Its just hard, because I don't feel like I have really high expectations, but darn it, its just one day. I mean for Father's Day, I make sure I include ALL the kids in participating in doing something nice for their father...NOT because he's a great or wonderful husband, but simply because HE IS their FATHER, and he's been a fairly (though, far from perfect) good father. Even when the teenager is kicking and screaming that she wants to sleep, I always tell her "look, you can do this just ONCE a year...it ain't gonna kill you". And it bothers me that my h cannot do the same. But, I recognize, he is different...this is WHO he is...and actually, I really don't like (hence my edging closer and closer to divorce). I guess it would be easier to swallow IF he was a wonderful husband throughout the year, then this would be moot point, but, alas, he is not.

Honestly, when my eldest woke up and asked me to make her some breakfast because she was under the weather, I quipped that "hey, this is MY day, I'm the Queen" Lol...I was joking. But then we discussed her various romance problems, about relationships, about boys, about life in general. And to me, THAT is what Mother's Day is all about...being with my kids, for without them, the day would be meaningless to me. In fact, had I the money, I would've gone out to get them all some little gift because THEY made me the "mother". At one point, my oldest did hug me and said "You're the best mommy I ever had" and I joked back "Kid, I'm the ONLY mother you'll ever have"....funny kid.

My husband used the same phrase, about me not being his mother....on the one hand, I understand that, but on the other, it shows a total disregard for a mother...without me, he would have not been a father to his four beautiful daughters, and I think to some degree that is deserving of something. I mean, what other beautiful gift can you give to someone (and to yourself) then an extension of yourself? Just my thoughts.

But it is a set up, true. And yes, I probably have some silly expectations. I still think its still part of my broken heart at play...and still doing a comparison of exMM to h, which is something that will never be, ever.

eh, but the day is done, and I cannot dwell on the past......

thanks for your thoughts...

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:00pm
tHi Dharma,

Girl, your mother's day sounds okay to me. The main thing is you have children and a mom to share the day with. I have a sister who can't have children. Now, her Mother's Day was bad. I have learned to not expect things on stupid days like yesterday. Then you can't be disappointed. I've been reading your posts and wanted you to know you sound so strong to me. You will get over this obsession with OM when you start your new job. I haven't been here much anymore and seldom post, but you have helped me so much in the past. My H is becoming less controlling. You really opened my eyes to what could be the root of my problems and I'm working on it with him. This board is great for so many people, but for me sometimes not. I'm one of those people who can have too much information. I read stuff here and it just consumes my thoughts. It almost makes me overthink and overanalyze my problems with OM too much. And I also tend to go from one obsession to another, this board sometimes being one of them. So anyway, I understand what you are saying about that.

A quick update. I wasn't really getting anywhere with my OM. Gurl and many others here told me to back off but I just couldn't. Then I read a post here one day. Someone suggested chat rooms to find a guy to have flirty e-mails with. I had never tried that. My H was out of town that weekend so I gave it a go. Well I met this fun guy from another state and we started messaging daily. It took my mind off of OM and I started feeling so good again. In the meantime, OM is wondering why he doesn't hear from me anymore. One day out of the blue I get an e-mail from him. The first e-mail he had initiated in over one year! We got together, made out. I didn't contact him after like I usually did because I have chat room guy to flirt with. So one week passes and I get an e-mail from OM again. This time when we get together we have ic. Now I kind of start contacting him again. But he responds and we get together. This time he says he just wants to talk because if we only get together and screw, this will fizzle out in months. OM notices a change in me. The fun with chat room guy is kind of wearing off now and it's harder to not contact OM. I think I am at a place where maybe it's okay to just hook up with OM now and then. I don't know if I need anything emotional from him. I get that from my H. I know I have definately been overthinking this A from the beginning. I'm taking it lighter and it seems to bring OM around more. Affairs should be fun, and I was ruining all of that by constantly wanting answers from him, etc. I wished I would have listened to Gurl's advice long ago. Where is she by the way? So anyway, yes if your OM does contact you, you will probably go to him. I did. But this time I'm looking at it all differently. I'm in a better place. You are too. Don't worry about everything so much. It will all work out. You have had so much on your plate and you have accomplished everything! Why do you think you will not be able to accomplish this?! You are a strong woman. You rock! Hang in there. I'm thinking of you, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:21pm
Hey there, cg! Long time NO SEE! Thanks for your thoughts. You know, the more I think about it, the more I am seeing that my reaction to it is pretty silly. Just the mere fact that I CAN celebrate Mother's Day should be enough....heck, I have a sister who CAN'T have any children and I can't even imagine how she feels. I guess its just more emotional baggage I'm hanging onto for some ungodly reason. See, that's why I LOVE these boards...sometimes I need the written 'slap in the head' to make me see things differently!

As for OM....uh-oh, I won't comment on that. No judgement on my part but be careful--the waters are very hard to navigate. But I do believe you are right when you say that once I start my job, I will be able to focus on something else. Its just that I have about 6 weeks unitl then...now to keep busy!!!! And I highly doubt exMM will ever contact me again....I know where his head is at.

Thanks for your words!!!

big hugs...and keep in touch!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 1:05pm
My thought on Father's Day: There is a reason Mother's Day is first. LOL I have to say though, I do at least have the girls make cards for their Dad. The older ones grumble now, but too bad.

In my H's defense, he does go way overboard at Christmas, so I really can't complain and I get whatever I want, whenever I want it. Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me as much as it use to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 1:12pm
Mother's Day has always been fine for me...at least since I got divorced. My daughter tries hard to take care of me on that day.

The holiday I think should be eliminated is Valentine's Day...talk about setting expectations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:08pm
Personally, I think most holidays can be a pitfall, at least for me. With all the media hype and emphasis on "togetherness", I think many people create expectations that exceed the reality of it...and probably a BIG cause for depression around major holidays, because usually, the holidays are SUCH a source of stress for most people. And the funny thing is...it brings out the WORST in people. I have to agree with startingnew....Valentines IS the worst, now I walk through the store feeling all bitter and just wanting to grab a cup of coffee and my pack of Marlboro Lights, sit in my van and bitch for a while. (lol...ok, I'm not THAT bitter.....yet).

lifechoice...I'm envious, my holidays are FAR from enjoyable, but I suppose its a state of mind. Christmas this year from my h? One sweater and lotion from bath and body works. The funny thing is? I would LOVE nothing more than for my h to make me a card, or to write something, or do something that does not cost money. To me, its the thought and effort that goes into the gift, NOT the money. To me, material things come and go, but its the homemade stuff or the actions that create the happy memories. One day when (and if I have the opportunity) I lay on my deathbed, I want to have happy memories to carry me through to the next life....it won't matter a lick by the things I'm surrounded with.

I guess my longwinded point is....if my h treated me decently throughout the year, then Mother's day, or ANY holiday would be irrelevant, but chances are, there would be some recognition for one's spouse because of nature of the marriage. But when a marriage begins to crumble and a couple begins to ignore each other's emotional needs, things begin to snowball. Sometimes the snowball can be stopped. Sometimes by the time its recognized, its WAY too big to be stopped.

I think, though, in reevaluating the weekend, though, I set myself up to start with....I ended up renting "Lost In Translation". GOSH, why didn't ANYONE WARN ME ABOUT THAT MOVIE??? that set my tone and mood for the weekend, I guess.

any ways....love all you wonderful women here....you all rock!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:39pm
Dharmagurl,

Did you ever come right out and tell your H how you feel. Until recently I never told my H what I wanted or how I felt. I figured he knew and could mind read, I guess. I finally started coming right out and telling him stuff. I always thought he knew what I meant and until I started telling him, he really had no idea at all.

I was so angry with him for a really long time about things and when I started telling him what's bothering me, what's working for us, etc, our relationship started to drastically improve.

Communication has ALWAYS been a big problem for us, now that we are working on it, life is good.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:17pm
lifechoice~

Sadly, yes. You see, my h is emotionally/verbally/psychologically abusive, though now that he is facing losing it all his behaviors have diminished. In our relationship, its always been about power/control, in his direction, right from the beginning. I won't go into details as its best addressed on other boards, but yes, I've tried and its only backfired and made things worse for me. We've tried 4 attempts at marriage counseling and one attempt at Retrouvaille.....and only since I've entered domestic abuse counseling in September did I understand why counseling never helped us or why the countless times I entered into therapy why *I* couldn't make things better.

And now...well, there is much too much water under the bridge to ever set it right.

Thanks for your thoughts, though.

dharma

Pages