Random Monday morning dribble......
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| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:50am |
**First, to all the "new" faces I'm seeing here....Welcome and {{big hugs}}. Read often, post often. No matter WHAT stage you are at with this, no matter how many "relapses" you have....we are here, and BOY do we ever understand. This is, by far, one of the loneliest and hardest road you will ever walk--but you are not alone....you have MANY who have created the path before you; those that walk beside you; and those who are following your footsteps.
**What a disappointing Mother's Day I had. :-( My h made me breakfast (nope, not in bed), which to him IS a big deal. Two of my dd's made me cards (I have 4 dd's, 16,13,6,4---the 2 in the middle made me cards), that essentially was it. My 16 yr old didn't even have breakfast with us...she woke up, wished me a Happy Mother's Day, and went back to sleep until about 12 pm. (but she is fighting a cold). My h then went out and bought some hanging baskets for "me" and a rose...and also bought his mom some plants and then took one of the kids and spent some time with her (she's in a nursing home and had been to our house the night before for dinner). I decided I wanted to take my Mom out to lunch, but it ended up being dinner. She decided to try this Indian restaurant, so me and family pick her up and go out to eat. And guess what...my h stuck ME with the bill. He conveniently took our 6 year old outside for a walk, along with other 3 kids, just as the table was being cleared. Since our funds were low, it got slapped on my credit card. All I kept thinking is....my god, am I THAT horrible of a mother and wife???? I always believed that children will learn what they are taught.....and I personally think my h has NOT taught them well. On reverse, I think, that maybe I don't deserve it...but the fact that I gave birth to HIS children, I would think that MAYBE I dserve a little more.
This morning, I told him I was disappointed...his response was "what? why? I did so much for you yesterday"....sigh, he doesn't get it.
Of course, this all led to me obsessing about exMM all day. What he was doing for his wife....and probably how he WASN'T EVEN thinking about me. The rejection I felt yesterday was just overwhelming...from exMM, from my h, from my kids. Yet, I think I set myself up...again and again, for these situations. I have to figure out why. The whole time at the restaurant, I kept thinking about exMM because we had talked about this same restaurant and he said how he frequently goes there and likes the food.
**God, I just miss exMM so much today (see above). Yet, I keep thinking of what Clarice wrote about the obsession/expectation/obsession circle. I know if I email him now, it will just set me up again but somedays I can think of nothing else.
**Why do I keep obsessively checking my email when I know there will be nothing there???
**Psycho moment: Yesterday after dropping off my Mom, we were driving home and exMM lives not to far, on the way home. So, I drive past his home...and no one but me in the car knows this. The whole time I kept thinking: why am I doing this? but yet I felt relief to see his car in the driveway and mentally I wished him well. I'm teetering on the edge of psycho-ness.
**I think that as long as I stay married, I will always obsess about exMM. He provided what my h did not...and trust me, it was NOT a lot, but, hey to a starving person, crumbs are a feast! But I feel so heartbroken over the loss of exMM (whom I never really had) that its hard for me to focus on what I need to do to get out of this marriage.
**Sometimes I feel like I fell into a Twilight Zone episode, when it comes to understanding what love is....you know, where it appears to be going one way and then at the end its a twist and its just the OPPOSITE of what you thought???? I mean, what I thought was love....wasn't. And what I thought love wasn't.....is.
My h has been emotionally/verbally/psychologically abusive for years....but I always believed him when he said he "loved me", and I got caught up in the cycle of abuse/honeymoon stages. What I thought was love, turned out to be control and power issues.
My exMM never utter the words "love" to me; never even so much implied it. But yet, I learned more about love, understanding, patience, generosity, responsibility, spirituality within the 2.5 years we knew each other. And IF you really love someone, you let them go, to do whatever it is they need to do and to be where they need to be. But, GOD, does it hurt like heck. So, is THAT love?
I keep looking over my shoulder for Rod Serling.
**What scares me, that if he ever emailed me, I would probably be tripping all over myself with joy and I would most likely fall victim to this ALL over again. Yet, I don't want to have to go through this again....but yet I miss it. When does the see-saw stop?
**I just wonder, probably uselessly, if he even KNOWS just how hard of a time I am having with all this? I mean, I never really told him much about how I felt, because I knew it would end things (my problem....had I been MORE honest with myself and with him, I probably could've avoided much of this grief). But sometimes I think, how could he NOT see it...he had to know on some level.
But then I keep telling myself, WHY would it matter what he thinks? I think, sometimes, it would just validate my feelings in a sense, that I wasn't in this by myself, and I didn't totally create something out of nothing.....but then again, maybe I did.
**So many, many posts these days are filled with such good things...I LOVE to come here and read....but I'm trying HARD to be more active in my real life and stop using the internet as a crutch.
ok...I think I worked off my obsession to email exMM.
Hope you all have a great day! Happy Monday.
dharma

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Your problem about yesterday could be summed up in one word. EXPECTATION. You expected more, and why shouldn't you? Your husband was an insensitive clod to stick you with the bill, but since when do married people have his and her money? Doesn't it all come from the same place? In his mind he did do for you...he made you breakfast and he bought you a plant. Not bad, it shows some effort on his part. Dharma I am not disappointed anymore in my H, I don't expect anything. I was surprised that he went shopping and got me some crab tree and evelyn products for me from the boys. Oh, and I got an egg sandwich from the deli...LOL....Not exactly a fabulous mothers day compared to some others that I might have had but it wasn't awful. I don't need anything from DH anymore. His abuse has made me independent, I had to do that for survival.
I think we all think about our XMM XOM when we have a crappy day. Hell I do all the time, crappy day non-crappy day. I thought about XOM when I was in my 1500 dollar a night suite at the Plaza ordering room service. If a place like that can't divert me, not much else will. I think when we are hurt or disappointed as you were in your husband it is only normal to think about XMM....don't beat yourself up about it. Look at what your husband DID do for you. If it makes you feel better then just give him a gift certificate for a colonic on fathers day...LOL...Don't take life too seriously Dharma...you have four fabulous children and mothers day was about motherhood, not your relationship with your husband. That is what anniversaries are for and I no longer acknowledge those.
Am I rambling? If so I'm sorry. Good to see you again....I too lurk and post once in a while but do not depend on the puter....Im really busy and things are looking good for me despite the problems that I have. We have come a long way baby!
Jazzdiva
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