Random Questions/Thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Random Questions/Thoughts
13
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 2:52pm
I'm wondering how many of you agree or disagree with the old saying "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I agreed with it 25 years ago when I ended my relationship with my first love, a MM. But now that I'm finding myself in another A with a MM, and only the second time I've loved someone (I never loved my exH), I think I'd rather go through life never having loved, because then I'd never have this horrible pain and sadness I'm going through. I've had NC for 9 days. This is probably my 13th attempt to end it (we've been in A for almost 3 years). I think/hope/pray I'll stick with it this time.

Incredible coincidence - Did any of you see Dr. Phil this morning??? It was all about affairs, from different people's perspectives. It was so hard to watch. There was a married couple where the H had an A, but he won't really say he'll never do it again. Dr. Phil says he has to stop cheating and lying. But I don't think Dr. Phil has any idea what kind of feelings some of us have in A's. He didn't seem to realize that it's not just about sex. There's emotions and love too. Then there was a 41 year old single woman, who's only had relationships with MM. She's been in SEVEN relationships over 25 years! She says she doesn't even know how to meet a single guy, how to have a normal relationship, what a normal relationship is. Did any of you see it?

One more question: Do any of you feel bad when people write here nasty things about their MM? Like, 'now I see him for the liar he is', etc. I have a very hard time with this. I know what my MM did was wrong. But it was wrong of me too. I still love him and think he is a wonderful, kind, person, who never meant to be the 'bad guy', just as all of us never meant to be the 'mistress.' Nevertheless, I know I must stop this A and I will try to have NC - forever? - or until he becomes single (I know, unrealistic fantasy).

I hope I get responses from some of you, because my other posts didn't really, and I don't know why.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:50am
You know, you are only making yourself feel worse by romanticizing the relationship. The vast majority of MM do NOT leave their wives, and even if they do it is unlikely that they will remain with their "soulmate" for long. 80% of all second marriages that arise out of affairs fail. Those are pretty discouraging odds. I would stop thinking him as your soulmate. That is not helping you. That implies that there is only one person out there who can love and understand and accept you. Quite frankly, that is bull#%#. There are many, many men out there who are compatible with you and SINGLE. Don't wait for something that is probably never going to happen when you could go out there and find someone available. These feelings, as intense as they are, are just that...feelings. They are not truth. They are not fact. They are not rational. They don't help us achieve what we want in life. They compel us to act in ways that are detrimental to our long term happiness. And if you are married: You will never resolve the ambivalence you have about your marriage if you remain in the affair. You will be happier if you either commit to it with all your heart or resolve to end it so that you can find someone you will be happier with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 10:05am
You have offered excellent advice and support in this thread. I hope everyone struggling on this board reads your wisdom and takes heart. The handle you have on your situation will open up many new and positive doors for you.

Good luck in your journey to freedom.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:45am
Thanks Maristow for your wisdom.


Edited 2/15/2005 6:12 pm ET ET by iris304

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