Rantings of a Crazy Person
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|Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:04pm|
Today is day 6 of NC. Spent the last 4 years involved with a mm. As I reflect back I see how insane things were. Obviously over 4 years the story is long and twisted but actually not that complex. I did fall in love with the person I thought I knew. Did I ever really think we would end up together- the logical me knows it would never work but there is a small part of me that thought there might be a chance for us someday.....Over the last few months things started stacking up and I have to say for being a liar and a cheater he was always very honest with me. So lets summarize.....oh and these are the facts that clearly qualify me as crazy.....
1. Our meetings were not that frequent and usually very short due to work or kid responsibilities. To sum it up he literally would fit in a quick sex session between kids sporting events or work meetings. ( we both work from home) When I say quick I mean here and gone within 45 minutes or less.
2. I said I love you and he said "Thank you"
3. When I told him I loved him and wanted a future with him he basically said that he was messed up and that I deserved better and I should be putting energy into meeting someone that was available.
4. After the hurricane his family was out of town and when he came back his home had no electric. I invited him over and fed him- gave him a place to shower. He of course wanted sex and of course so did I. I expected him to stay. We never had an opportunity to spend any quality time together and here it was. Oh I know you know what happened. Literally 10 minutes after we had sex he was up and dressed and ready to leave. New opportunity but same f@!$ and flee as usual.
So.......that in some weird way became the last straw for me. There is no other way to see this than I am only sex for him. I do believe he cares for me and he was a decent friend but as far as intimacy or love there is none for me. And I guess that is kudos to him. I guess he can keep love for his wife and sex for other women separate.
Tomorrow becomes day 7 of NC. However I did see him by accident on monday and today at the gym. We don't talk in public and I didn't look at him. Today he waved from his car and I waved back albeit coldly. Typically after a few days of NC (yes I have tried this before) one of us would have reached out after the car incident but luckily neither one of us did.
I don't want to talk to him. There is nothing to say. He is not what I want or what I need. He was right I deserve more and I intend on having it. The greatest fear I have is if he fishes. I don't want to cave. Like I said we have gone around and around NC a few times. Once he blocked and walked 2 years ago for 4 months but then he came back. I have gone NC for a few days at a time but this is the longest. I feel strong and I will admit to feeling good because I know he is surprised that I haven't caved yet.
Thanks for listening.......