Rantings of a Crazy Person

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012
Rantings of a Crazy Person
4
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:04pm

Today is day 6 of NC.  Spent the last 4 years involved with a mm. As I reflect back I see how insane things were.  Obviously over 4 years the story is long and twisted but actually not that complex.  I did fall in love with the person I thought I knew.  Did I ever really think we would end up together- the logical me knows it would never work but there is a small part of me that thought there might be a chance for us someday.....Over the last few months things started stacking up and I have to say for being a liar and a cheater he was always very honest with me.  So lets summarize.....oh and these are the facts that clearly qualify me as crazy.....

1.  Our meetings were not that frequent and usually very short due to work or kid responsibilities.  To sum it up he literally would fit in a quick sex session between kids sporting events or work meetings. ( we both work from home)  When I say quick I mean here and gone within 45 minutes or less.

2.  I said I love you and he said "Thank you" 

3.  When I told him I loved him and wanted a future with him he basically said that he was messed up and that I deserved better and I should be putting energy into meeting someone that was available.

4.  After the hurricane his family was out of town and when he came back his home had no electric.  I invited him over and fed him- gave him a place to shower.  He of course wanted sex and of course so did I.  I expected him to stay.  We never had an opportunity to spend any quality time together and here it was.  Oh I know you know what happened.  Literally 10 minutes after we had sex he was up and dressed and ready to leave.  New opportunity but same f@!$ and flee as usual.

So.......that in some weird way became the last straw for me.  There is no other way to see this than I am only sex for him.  I do believe he cares for me and he was a decent friend but as far as intimacy or love there is none for me.  And I guess that is kudos to him.  I guess he can keep love for his wife and sex for other women separate.

Tomorrow becomes day 7 of NC.  However I did see him by accident on monday and today at the gym.  We don't talk in public and I didn't look at him.  Today he waved from his car and I waved back albeit coldly.  Typically after a few days of NC (yes I have tried this before) one of us would have reached out after the car incident but luckily neither one of us did. 

I don't want to talk to him.  There is nothing to say.  He is not what I want or what I need.  He was right I deserve more and I intend on having it.  The greatest fear I have is if he fishes.  I don't want to cave.  Like I said we have gone around and around NC a few times.  Once he blocked and walked 2 years ago for 4 months but then he came back.  I have gone NC for a few days at a time but this is the longest.  I feel strong and I will admit to feeling good because I know he is surprised that I haven't caved yet.

Thanks for listening.......

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:52pm

I like formal endings, myself, because I think it is considerate...and well, people need to be told it is over so everyone is on the same page...UNLESS, one has gone NC so many times they can't count...and so then the disappearing act works just fine and dandy.  And, UNLESS it's been a while since there's been communication and so it would seem downright silly to make contact after so long to say there will be no contact.

If you haven't spoken for a week, I'd let it just fade away.  If he does contact you, then you can tell him it is over...plain and simple...no long drawn out, teary goodbye.  No professing words of love and no angry words that you'll instantly want to take back because you not really a mean person, and you need him to know you are not a mean person, which will only start up a cycle...believe me I know how THAT works.  Short and sweet is my motto.

You have the power now, Beachgirl...and you sound strong in your resolve.  Stay close to the Board and post often for support and to support others.  You said you've been reading, so I'm hoping you have visited our Healing Library...there you will find comfort and resolve to stay the course.

Post in if you get an itch to reach out to JAM (that's just a man)...we'll remind you of where you never want to go again and how you never want to feel again...ever.

Do not give away your power.  It'll keep you strong and on course.  

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:35pm

Stay strong Beachgirl, we are not crazy people, we just have crazy moments!  

Its funny how reading everyone elses stories I can see them for what they really are, however its so hard to see the reality of our own story for the fantasy fog that it hides behind.

xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:27pm

Thank you Clarity for adding even more clarity. ;-)  I have not posted before but I have been reading alot.  To answer your other question.  I did not officially end it. Is it best to formally tell him its over. The last messages we shared last week were:

me:  "Please remove me from your LinkedIn contacts as my picture and info are visible publicly to anyone." I asked him to do this because his wife and I were crossing paths in public and I didn't ever want her to see me as a connection to him.  I had also decided I wanted out of this mess and that was one channel that had to be eliminated

him:  "You are no longer showing in my contacts.  I guess if you delete me you drop off my list."

We don't talk by email or phone so nothing there to block. 

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:15pm

Hi Beachgirl

Rantings of a crazy person?  Sounds to me more like someone slowly coming to their senses and seeing the situation for what it really is...just an affair...and a pretty one-sided one at that.

And why you would even considering caving...cave to what?  Being used yet again?  I know you don't want that...you said so :)  So why cave?  People cave when they think the outcome will be different...this 100th time.

He told you 'he was messed up and that I deserved better and I should be putting energy into meeting someone that was available'...hear it and take it to heart. Like that saying goes 'when someone tells or shows you who they are, believe them the first time'...something like that.

He IS messed up.  He's a liar and a cheat.  Well, he didn't lie about being messed up.  And about that deserving business.  We DO get what we deserve.  If we misbehave and disrespect ourselves and others, that's what will be reflected back at us.  If we behave with honesty and integrity, that's what will be reflected back at us as well.  Put your focus and energy on yourself for a while, get healthy, strive towards self-betterment...and good things will come to you.  Now, I know you want that :)

Don't concern yourself with his fishing.  Work on yourself...so if he does fish down the line, you'll no longer be that woman who participated with him in bad behavior.  You will have outgrown him...and you will wave him off for good.

Did you officially end it with him?  Your name seems familiar.  You've been to this Board before?

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board