Re-Read Your Ending Letter For Strength/Go After The Life You Deserve

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Re-Read Your Ending Letter For Strength/Go After The Life You Deserve
6
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 5:27pm

One of the most important reasons why I decided to end my A, was that I felt like I was not in control and was at-risk of becoming needy if the A continued.  I did not want to go there.  When I ended it with my xAP , I did so with class and with most of my self-respect intact.  I kept saying to myself, if I couldn't control where it was heading (on so many levels), I could at least control how it was ending.

I still think about my xAP, but whenever I feel weak, I go back and re-read my ending email to him.  It's short, sweet and to the point.  It makes me feel strong again - and brings me back to reality as to why it simply had to end - and how important it was to take control of a situation that was basically NOT healthy; effectively a non-relationship with no defined future likely.

If even after your A, you find your M is in trouble and not working, get help and try your BEST to sort through your problems.  As WC quotes Eleanor Roosevelt, "We must do the thing we think we cannot do."

We have one life on this blue marble.  Work VERY hard for the life you deserve and were destined to live.  Do not settle for a bad A - or a bad M for that matter.  Not for one precious moment.  No room for complacency.  Time's a-wasting!

That's my mantra!

((HUGS))

PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Hello Pac! What an awesome empowering post! You have made incredible progress and it is always great to hear when someone has made such significant strides in overcoming an A. Best, progression
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012

Hi, Progression,

Thanks for your note.  Life is so precious.  Maybe I'm experiencing a mid-life crisis, but I feel a tremendous sense of urgency to not waste any more time doing something that's not worthwhile.

I just did not want to settle

My A was a huge wake-up call to the problems I was just putting up with in my M.  My H is insecure, often angry, often speaks poorly to me - and is happy to leave all the difficult "heavy-lifting" in our M up to me.  I was placating him - and often outright escaping my H to get away from the abuse.  Now, I'm dealing with it head-on in MC.  I am no longer afraid to speak up to him.  He knows he stands to lose me if he doesn't shape up.

I am not afraid to go after the life I want - with or without him.  Not going to play the victim.  Life is so precious!

((HUGS))

PAC

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Pacdover

I am so impressed with the growth I've seen.  You are one determined lady. 

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012

Hi, WC,

I wish I could say I'm walking a straight path and we're making linear progress, but like most things worth fighting for, it's one step forward, two steps back.

Being married to someone who has accumulated years of unresolved anger/insecurities has meant mustering lots of courage to not back down.  I'm not so much afraid of him, as I am not wanting confrontation.  I'm using a therapeutic communication formula that's supposed to remove criticism, but it requires consistency.  It's a lot of work - and it's *tiring.*

Last weekend, my H just wanted to engage me in an angry rant - about everything.  He is so bitterly unhappy when he gets like this.  He just wanted to corner me.  I finally gave up and walked away.  It's hard.

Our T is good - she calls him on stuff like that.  She bluntly told him in our last session, that line of communication will destroy our relationship and he had to change.

For a few days following our last MC session, he was great, but he's back to being his miserable self again.  Thank goodness he's traveling!

Too soon to say how this will turn out, but I'm still moving ahead!

((HUGS))

PAC

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Unfortunately, he will continue to be his miserable self until he gets down with some individual counseling.  All you can do at this point, which you are doing, is to change how you respond to him.  Saying nothing is good...it makes his words hang in the air for HIM to hear...and he can't avoid by refocusing on what YOU said.  Walking away without engaging is good.  And responding positively when he is being open and positive.

Keep up the good work on you.  There's not much you can do for him...that's up to him.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012

Thank you for this, WC.  Indeed, he owns this, not me.  On a lighter note, our T asked my H to take some natural over-the-counter supplements (you may have heard of 5-HTP, which is a serotonin stimulant and also Inositol, used to treat depression and some other psych problems such as OCD).

In our last session, she asked how he was coming along with them - and of course, he hasn't been taking them.  However, I raised MY hand immediately - said I was happy to report that *I* AM! 

I was laughing about it with a personal friend/confidante earlier today... I said I was *drowning* myself in that stuff!  "GLUB, GLUB, GLUB!"  Too funny!  Ahhh... gotta love a little dark humor to lighten the load!

((HUGS))

PAC