READ ME OCT 1-4!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
READ ME OCT 1-4!
8
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 2:41pm

Ring! Ring!

Hi. This is EAS. We can't come to the computer right now. Our site is currently participating on Extreme Makeover Website Edition. Your problems are important to us. PLEASE contact one of your cyber buddies if this is an emergency.

As of 11 p.m. ET Oct 1, let's put the new 96 hour rule is in place. Basically, think of the 48 hour rule on steroids. Stay strong until you can post on Oct. 5th. I know we've done this before, but let's all add our tips on maintaining NC, our inspirations, our best quotes, etc. on this thread for everyone to refer to for help and strength.

Personally, I struggle with abandonment/attachment, so here are my thoughts for today:

Observe Yourself: Do I exaggerate positive qualities of XAP? Is he/she really worth my struggle?

Use Your Inner Wisdom: Discover how exaggerated your attachment is to XAP. Try to be wise and let go to be free.

Reflect on Impermanence. Everything in life is impermanent. Take heart in this - your suffering is not permanent.

Reflect on the Results of Attachment. Addiction is simply strong craving of attachment to something or someone. It destroys us and our surroundings. Let it go and focus on yourself and your real life.

Love, hugs and strength to everyone :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 10:30pm

Thank you Bodhi for these words :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 7:11am
Thank you for these inspiring thoughts. I don't know how strong I can be. Just broke NC after 2 weeks of being strong. It was as awful and disturbing and upsetting as all of you warned it would be. But I can't think of it as starting over. I now know for myself just how horrid it feels. I now have to pick myself up and restart the counter. Why does this person have such a hold over me that even when he ignores me (after an encouraging little 'I love you' thrown my way, btw!) I go running after him like a well-trained dog? Why can't I see that this is not what 'I love you' looks like? 'I love you' is the way my husband looks at me and treats me. I hate myself. Help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 9:07am

Hi Browndress



I cant seem to email you- are you ok? What happened. Stay strong with me! Im stuggling too- we can do this!



Email me mate



Iggyx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 12:42pm

Browndress!!!
Don't hate yourself! It's totally counterproductive. You don't have the time for that shiz! Git up! Brush yourself off and get back on that horse. The war is not lost just because you lost this scrimmage. You CAN start over. In fact, you get as many re-dos as you need; there is NEVER a reason to give up.

Now, let's get your battle plan in place. Have you shored up your No Contact defenses? Did you block? If not, it's like inviting the enemy to come in and take over (figuratively, mind you. I don't mean to make an enemy out of the person that was your X, just the situation that is the A.) Did you make a list of reasons why you want to end this and, perhaps, a plan of who and what you want to be a year from now? It's good to write this stuff down -- what I want, what I don't want: then, put in place a list of immutable rules of behavior that will help you achieve your goals. Don't trust yourself to be able to decide what to do in a crisis! You MUST be prepared.

Since the board is going read-only until 10/5, please get a cyberbuddy or two to help keep you on track. Community and support in the very beginning is invaluable.

Hope you'll get back in the game ASAP.
Best to you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 1:27pm

I dug this out of the archives and thought it was a good one to put in this thread.



   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 9:44pm

Thank you Dee, Stronger, and everyone else who is so loving on this board. I just realised that I sort of hijacked Bodhi's thread and I am so sorry about that- still learning how these things work. I didn't block- big mistake. Seeing him online is what led to my fishing attempt that I am SO ashamed of now. I have now blocked him, not because he will try to get in touch with me, but so that I don't keep seeing his name in my chat list. Am also working on my list of reasons why the A had to end. Things are so much harder in practice than in theory.

Hope I make it through the next few days. Will also focus on sending out good thoughts to all you EAS wonders who keep people like me afloat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 10:45pm

No worries Browndress :) We are all here for you - stay strong these next several days.

Remember that the future depends on what we do now. Every single act and thought plays a role in shaping our existence. Treasure the life you are now living and to try to make it as worthwhile as possible.

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~Lao Tzu

I'm available by email for anyone who needs anything :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 10:58pm

my favorite letter - thought to post for newbies to read and re-read. A letter written I think from a therapist to someone who wrote her - answering the question we all asked: DOES IT GET BETTER?

Yes, it does, but it takes time. And you shouldn't be surprised at your sadness - February is really only yesterday, when it comes to grief. Certainly you know you did the right thing, and that brings a kind of cold comfort, very real, but also very lonely. What's helping most is why you made your stand. You did it as a first step towards re-establishing your sense of self-worth.

The story you've told me - like the stories of many if not most 'other women' - is a story of personal humiliation. Sure, at the beginning, it seemed everything was up for grabs, all was possible, there was a sense of a possible future. In that scenario, the deception, lies, disloyalty and compromises could all be seen as short-term, necessary, mere temporary stepping-stones, and, above all, shared, mutual, part of a path both of you were on. In the cold light of early morning, it may not have felt that good. But it didn't yet damage your sense of self-worth, because there was hope of a different to-morrow.

It's the shared sense of commitment to some kind of future, which makes the distasteful elements of an affaire manageable. It may not be right, but it feels permissible, when two people want to be together. The compromises only really start to bite, when that future is cancelled, or hope is extinguished. Then the shoddiness of second-best, and secrets, becomes apparent. And self-esteem starts to vanish. That's what happened to you. You were put in your place. The terrible thing about that place, is that it means you have no right to any kind of consideration. Your feelings are not spared, as he talks of his wife and family and all he's doing with them and for them. You never win the time contest, if there's a conflict between some plan with you and a sudden family contingency. You are not minded, or cared for, when sick or distressed, or only within very strict limits. You are a secret, have no social standing as any kind of partner, must be denied on any accidental meeting even with acquaintances. There is very little honour in any of that. Low self-esteem is the inevitable result.

The problem with low self-esteem is that it often leads to us continuing in an impossible situation - in fact in the very situation which has handed our self-esteem such a serious blow in the first place. Apart from the fact that, rightly or wrongly, you loved this man, and as you explained, thought that seeing him even just the odd time would lessen the pain, what held you in there was the fact that you lost sight of what is right and proper. Low self-esteem leads people to believe, deep down, that they don't deserve any better, that whatever shoddy deal is handed to them is good enough, since they are so unworthy. So women stay - and men too, for affairs are not all a question of a single woman and married man.

That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation.

The problem is that dignity is precious, essential really, but it doesn't give us a lot of consolation. It does, however, give us the basis for building a happier future. So of course you're glad you pulled the plug on your relationship. Of course you feel good about it. Of course you're right that the woman who wrote, and prompted your own, letter will get through the terrible pain of ending her affair. You'll get through your sadness too. Just be patient with yourself. And pay attention to your self-esteem. It has been very badly bruised. In other words, you're still vulnerable. So take care.

Much Love,

TU.