Reading through my journal....
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Reading through my journal....
| Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:35pm |
I’ve spent a good portion of my day reading over my journal that I’ve kept during most of my A and man, I was a total basket case.

I did the same thing after I was 3 years out of my A.
~Iddy~
iddy and 4sure,
While I had so very little to save, I did hang onto emails for a short while. Before I deleted them I thought it would be "entertaining" to read through them. OMG. As I read through those emails, it became very clear to me how ridiculously sappy we both were to each other. I also recognized I let so much crap from him go, I should have called him down on so many of his snide remarks, but I didn't so I wouldn't appear b*tchy. The more I read, I got madder and madder at myself. I was such a weak person to allow that. But as the emails progressed over the years, I did see myself standing up for my own beliefs and on rare occasions I let xAP have it. I'm guessing that was when I started realizing I had to get on with my real life.
I remember deleting those hundreds and hundreds of emails. Man oh man, that felt good. It was very empowering. It was such a huge relief that the evidence was gone. But about 6mos. later I discovered another stash of emails. But that time I deleted them without reading. No need to go back and make myself sick.
I hung onto xAP's emails for many reasons, but one was so I could check out his friends and family, Google whatever he mentioned, do research for him, whatever and anything. Nuts! xAP told me everything, I had his life in words in my secret email account. Anytime I wanted to know something or needed a name, there it was, ready for me to stalk or whatever. How crazy is that. I know why now, but back then I thought I was proving my love to him by being so informed and helpful. gag
I have nothing from my A. All e-mails were deleted, all text messages, all chats. I didn't even write about it in my diary, because I was so scared my H would find it. Sometimes I regret that for the very reason you described here- it would be helpful when tempted to break NC to look at past communications and be reminded just how I was manipulated, and how much desperate manipulation I engaged in just to get some attention. If I could read about it I could remind myself about the obsessed person I had become. No way I want to become that person again. No way I will break NC if I remember all that.
But your posts are like a surrogate set of memories for me. As someone once said here, while we each think our A is unique there is a sameness that we cannot deny.
Thank you for reminding me that As turn us into different people and make our lives a mess.
You have helped me hang onto NC one more day.
Hi all
Gosh I am moved by this site. As you said browndress- we all think we are so special and our A is so unique. Its amazing just how similar they all are.
I also have kept a journal on my computer that I started about 2 mths into the A, when things started to feel 'different'.
I am SOOO thankful I deleted and trashed every remnant of my A. I also journaled, then shredded my raging, during my early ending. I still do that sometimes.
Even in the early ending times, I knew I was not the kind of person who could hold onto that stuff and walk down memory lane (even with an improved perspective) without causing myself immense pain. I don't need or want reminders of how much it sucked, or didn't suck. I am better off staying in the here and now with my newly-found 20-20(ish) vision.
Dee
It really is amazing at how no matter how “different” all of our A’s are, when it comes down to it, they are all the very same.