Ready to say goodbye
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| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:50pm |
I have a lot of history on this board and the "My Affair Support" board. xMM and I had more of a flirtation than an affair and at times those on the MA board would get extremely frustrated with my failure to go to the next step. Last summer he told me he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then we kissed several times in the late summer/early fall, but the last kiss was in early October. We reached a point in January where I thought I could handle it. We were friends, we flirted, but we didn't cross the line. Then in February he came after me again, and I gradually fell into it, only to get my heart broken again when he got scared. (Or "busy," as he likes to call it...) The reason this time is different than the last is that things never heated up again after Valentine's Day. We drifted into a state of NC, then he'd come around and ask why NC and I'd be nice to him but I just, quite frankly, have lost interest. It's never going to be the way it was in the beginning, where he made me feel like the most beautiful woman alive and maybe I've reached a point where I don't need that anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to live my life for me, not worrying about whether today's going to be the day when he rejects me because he's too "busy." Not worrying about where this is going or where it's going to end up. I'm a strong, capable woman who has accomplished a lot in her life. I can overcome this too.
Love is really a thing that is all in your head. The more you think and obsess about a person, the more YOU are influenced by them. If you try just NOT thinking about them -- catching yourself every time you have a thought and steering your mind elsewhere -- in time you WILL get your mind back. Trust me... That's what I've been doing for the past two months and it's really working. So today I'm making the commitment to leave xMM behind for good and I hope by doing so that no matter what he does, I'll be strong enough to be my own person and not fall back into the same old cycle. I'm going to live my life for me and hope he leaves me alone this time. For good. Thankfully xMM is getting strength from his Christianity and I've sought strength there too, but it's not always easy. I have found strength in this one bit of scripture a friend sent me back when this whole thing began: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I think I'm finding my way out. I get stronger with each passing day...

I remember you well from the other board, not everyone was frustrated with you some of us were worried for you because you sounded so confused at that time.
You sound so much better now I hope you keep on the path that you have choosen it clearly is working for you.
Your friend with the scripture sounds like a true friend I hope you surround yourself with people like that.
Here are a couple more for you : 2 timothy 2:22 and Philippians 4:8
God bless you are in my prayers
Free
Toward the end of last year he threw himself into religion. He came back, stronger than ever, and while he still has weak moments he HAS been much better. But when this all started we had a routine. Generally HE would call ME twice a day -- before lunch and before we left for the day -- and ask if I was free to come see him. I'd go see him in the morning; he'd come see me in the afternoon. Soon the afternoon visits stopped and I was just seeing him before lunch. Then he stopped calling me altogether and it was me doing all the calling to see if he was free for me to come visit. Now it's down to me doing everything and I've pretty much made it once a day -- usually the end of day visit. I call him and ask if he's free and he says yes and I go down there. But it's gone from being every single day to maybe once or twice a week. This week Monday was the only day. It annoys him but he just assumes I'm busy. (Gee, haven't you noticed I've been "busy" for nearly six weeks now...?) So, I was thinking in church Sunday, he's put all the guilt on me. He just sits there and I come and visit and he has no responsibility. But what I was thinking Sunday was how wrong it is of me to go visit him and tempt him and myself when if I just stay away, we're both better off. I've asked him repeatedly if I should stop visiting and he's said no, but he wants me to keep wanting him. He wants to string me along, having me thinking about him all the time, and him free of all guilt. That's why this week I decided I just can't do it anymore. I can't have that on my conscience. If I see him in the hall I'll be friendly; if I happen to pass by his cubicle I'll stop in and say hi. But pre-arranged times for going to visit? That's more like an affair, don't you think?
Anyway, I'm known for being long-winded so I'll stop now. I just want to say that this time IS different. This time I'm going to get past that hump. And I'm going to consider every day that I don't pick up that phone and call him and ask if I can come see him a NC day, since I can't completely avoid him. This is day THREE. I know I can find strength in all you others who have been through this and made it. I know I can use my willpower to get over him.
It sounds like your on the road to recovering yourself, one of the things you lose in a affair even EA is your true self.
I recall from your posts that XMM really seemed to have a power thing going on with you more then anything else and was content untell you started to stand up for yourself then he would start his game again to keep you in your place.
It sounds like you have just had enough of the whole thing and are ready to get on with a real life.
Haveyou started writeing yet, how about the baby you were talking about, anything to announce.
Free
I, like you, became strong for awhile with NIC (almost 3 months). But, I recently gave in again and I just hate myself for it. Why do I choose a man who is unworthy of my love?
Your words are very encouuraging and speak of hope. GOOD 4 YOU!!!
I hope I can regain the strength to stay away for good. I'm trying to hang on to my faith in God, unfortunately when he provides a way out, I stick with the path of least resistance...my MM:( I had been doing so well and SPLAT I fall flat on my face. So, I'm starting ALL over again - God it hurts!!!! I DON'T WANT TO WANT him anymore.....I don't know who I hate more him or MYSELF!!
Thank You for Sharing and Stay Strong!
Still Lost