Ready to Sober up

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2010
Ready to Sober up
18
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 9:43am

Hi everyone-

I have been lurking on this board for months, and MAS. Never felt I was ready to post anywhere until today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 9:19am

One odd thing is..he never said "don't contact me. leave me alone" he never changed his number or deleted his emails! IT is like he always wants the door to be open, but I have to walk through it and beg. I tried that and he just said NO. I swear he gets off on it! Not sure why you would allow someone you care about to humiliate herself!

It's really not odd. He told you no because he doesn't want his W to find out that he is a cheater. He threw you to the curve because she became suspiscious. He didn't change his number because he expects you to respect that

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 9:24am
Dorrie (loving the moniker....just keep swimming, just keep swimming...)

It isn't a chemical attraction - I know that some will fight me on this - but it isn't. All humans need the 4 A's - approval, applause, acknowledgement (validation) and attention to be self-motivated. Sometimes we give that power over to someone or something else to fill our ego/emo tanks.

Sounds so simple right? It isn't. None of us set out to hand over our power - but along the way we grow weary, and tired, and when any of those 4 aspects are missing (my life was missing all of them) we seek for them anywhere we can find them.

And you are right (I'm so glad to see you adopting the mantra) It doesn't matter. I think all of us experienced moments of begging and moments of feelings of desperation to keep the xAP - we see them as the "provider" of the A's. it is no different than any other addiction. Right now, keep breathing. Keep moving, because when you stop and wallow - the hurt and rejection take the power and we become brutal in our assessment of who we are.

As for him not changing anything - It doesn't matter. Stop looking to him to close the door - because if he is like most, he won't. YOU have to choose to stop and block - and it sounds like by deleting your email, you've taken the first step. Block your phone, put filters in place on your other emails (even if you consider them safe) to send emails from him to the trash. He is not in power if you take it back - uncover what you are missing in your regular life from the 4A's and commit to strengthening your relationships so that it doesn't happen again.

Much love,
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 10:00am
I agree, he's not blocking because he's getting his 4 A's from you and has to do nothing in return. Mom is right though... As long as you are not blocking... You are still an option, on HIS terms. - c

@lolly- yep! Wonder if we know each other? Lol!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 3:10pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 3:26pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 7:00pm
Hey Dorrie

I'll write more later, I'm having a hectic few days! I have had a very similar experience to you and very happy to share it with you and support each other via PM if you like.

I have found the feeling of rejection and humiliation to be overwhelming, but like you I am continually looking at that open door. I like what you said about being a text away from a restraining order :) I know that feeling!

Crazy thing is I am a strong smart professional and successful woman!!! Why I continued to ( past tense but some days I feel so weak) beg him back was humiliating!!!!

Stay strong with us here. I'm in Australia too so visit anytime :)))

Iggx
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2010
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 7:15am

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 7:44am

Hi D!

"But I really feel like a drunk or drug addict..it actually FEELS out of my control. I cannot fathom that he rejected ME in the end, when I tried so many times to reject HIM. I know I need to make this about ME."

D, for me personally the A WAS a chemical addiction...the chemicals were whatever hormones/endorphins/other brain chemicals (seratonin?) etc. that went flyng around in my brain/body whenever I was going to have sex with my ex "POOP"

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