ready to try again... nc day one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
ready to try again... nc day one...
16
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 8:34am

this is not an easy post for me to write. but i hope it might help someone who is not feeling so strong... and thinking of breaking nc...


it has been almost 5 weeks since xmm ended our 4 year affair. i should be almost 5 weeks nc.. i am not.. not even close... i am lucky.. i never had a dday on my end (i am married almost 19 years with 3 children) but that didn't make me missing easier or make me strong enough to not try to reach out to him...


i was (or am?) addicted/obsessed whatever you want to call it.. to him, to the affair..to the escape...


i have had a few strong days ... but many more weaker ones... he has consumed my thoughts more now than when we were in the affair (or so it feels) the triggers are everywhere for me and i have a hard time deflecting them... i have read about healing, acceptance and moving on.. and i wasn't ready to move on last week, but was the week before, and am again today (what!a!rollercoaster!) ... i had a VERY hard time accepting that our relationship was dead... it was dead the day he said goodbye to me and recommited back to his wife.. but i wanted the 'closure' that NEVER comes..(from him) and i knew that... but i tried anyway...


healing in silence has/is/was been hard for me...i have

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 8:50am

Good Morning Life!


Thank you for the post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:12am

Hi


thank you so much for this. I really needed these words today. I too am back at

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:33am

your welcome lynn,


it is hard feeling alone and not having someone to 'talk' to in this mess we are in ... i knew i wasn't able to do all the work i need to do alone, so i finally called my therapist. i have only seen her once, and i know it is me that needs to do all the work to heal, but i am hopeful that she will help me get there (somehow!)


thanks, life...

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:40am

We are very blessed to have each other on this board to talk to...


Have a great day!


L

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:41am

gvc, you wrote "For the first time in a long time I looked at his FB and seen loving pictures of him and his girlf and it was enough to make me see how stupid and selfish Ive been"


you are lucky that looking at the fb pics makes you feel that...i guess it does some for me too... its not like me &

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 11:22am

yea it makes me feel sick too!! It makes me feel sick that he can be so lovey dovey with her on it and on the phone. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 1:59pm

Hi life,


I just ended my A-literally today, a few hours ago. The last time I was with him was on Saturday. Can't tell you how much I want to pick up the phone to hear his voice. He called me back and told me that he understands my reasons for ending it and that I was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him and no matter what that he will always love me. Be as it may, he's saying all the right things and who knows if he really means them but it crushed my heart to hear them. He's single, 35 years old with no children. He's been in many failed relationships and he said when he met me whose married that he fell in love for the first time in his life.


When you say your addicted and obsessed with him I understand you beyond anything I can imagine. He consumes my mind and right now as I'm typing this I just want to run in his arms because my heart just hurts. It's as if he's the medicine that can take the pain away but he's not. My H is a wonderful man and I dont know how I lost myself in our marriage along the way but I promised that the energy I was putting in my affair that I'd put in my M. I'm the reason why my marriage is the way it is. I wasn't giving it my all.


My H loves me to no end and I'm trying so hard to stay strong and not relapse. I know I just ended it but boy I'm not looking forward to the withdrawals that I'm know will hit me soon if not already.


Goodness I hope I find some strength from somewhere. Thanks for your post! Wish you all the best life. We are strong woman and I know we can make it through this storm.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 2:19pm

Hi Life-

I know you've been struggling. I hate hearing all the pain in this post, but it is a good reminder just how damaging breaking NC can be. So you touched the hot stove and you know how much it hurts. Remind yourself of this every time you want to break NC. I am struggling a bit today as my last week at work winds down and my last tie to xap will be cut. I've thought a million times today about sending him a note... and then I came here and read your post and it helped me back away from the ledge. Breaking NC will do nothing to help me heal, as you have now learned too. YOu can do this. I know that you can. It will be hard, as you know, but you can do it. Here are some big hugs for you... and a thanks for posting this. You may have saved me from throwing 76 days of NC down the toilet.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 3:04pm

yes, rayne, i felt that last week. wanting to run to my xmm to have him hug me and make all this bad stuff go away.. but then i remember that i don't have him there to run to and i sunk even lower... so depressing...


i also have a husband who loves me very much.. at times when i want to reach out to xmm i have been texting my husband instead, calling a girlfriend, something... anything other than the old pattern i was in...


thanks, life...

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 3:09pm

jane, NO!!


yes, i have been struggling.. i sure have.. and yes, i have learned my lesson the hard way.....


~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

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