ready to try again... nc day one...
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| Tue, 04-13-2010 - 8:34am |
this is not an easy post for me to write. but i hope it might help someone who is not feeling so strong... and thinking of breaking nc...
it has been almost 5 weeks since xmm ended our 4 year affair. i should be almost 5 weeks nc.. i am not.. not even close... i am lucky.. i never had a dday on my end (i am married almost 19 years with 3 children) but that didn't make me missing easier or make me strong enough to not try to reach out to him...
i was (or am?) addicted/obsessed whatever you want to call it.. to him, to the affair..to the escape...
i have had a few strong days ... but many more weaker ones... he has consumed my thoughts more now than when we were in the affair (or so it feels) the triggers are everywhere for me and i have a hard time deflecting them... i have read about healing, acceptance and moving on.. and i wasn't ready to move on last week, but was the week before, and am again today (what!a!rollercoaster!) ... i had a VERY hard time accepting that our relationship was dead... it was dead the day he said goodbye to me and recommited back to his wife.. but i wanted the 'closure' that NEVER comes..(from him) and i knew that... but i tried anyway...
healing in silence has/is/was been hard for me...i have

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Hi Life- Thank you lady. I love this community and your email brought tears to my eyes. I will not break NC. I have a rule... every time I think about it, I make myself wait 48 hours... because I know, I know that I will read something, or get my mind right in the meantime and the feeling will pass... This is the constant struggle we all deal with. Heck no, I am joining New Season, CSN and AAI in tweenerville in 14 days... come hell or high water :)
Hugs.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
All of your posts really touched me today.
Day 1 NC
3rd try.
He fished every time. I took the bait. We're talking very desperate calls for help from him - suicidal thoughts and an assault.
LC has been brutal for/on me to manage - many projects just the two of us. I am working at leaving these projects and breaking the contracts that hold me to them.
lifeisgood- 2007 - Let's share the day we get our "tweener" wings - July 13, 2010.
When I have the energy, I will update what has happened - but for now, day 1 NC it is ... and I'm ready for it.
Here we go.
As we live, so we learn.
Jodi
This must be the National End Your Affair day!
X-AP called me end of day and told me he couldn't go on living a lie, couldn't have any relationship with me but wanted to stay in touch every so often so he'd know how I was doing - so that "the door wouldn't be closed completely on our relationship." (honestly - his words)
Me: "I read this weekend that if someone CAN walk away from you - LET THEM GO! so I am letting you go. This is not good for me. Do not contact me again."
Him: I'm so sorry I hurt you blah blah
Me: I am going to say good bye now.
Him: big choked sigh
Me: good bye!
I felt this odd surge of power go through me at that moment - strength. Of course I've been unable to eat since then because I feel like vomiting and I broke down in tears crying on DH's shoulder once I got home (blamed it on work). But I finally stood up for myself.
kmg6 pledge is really good!
In every action there must be a motive, right?
Funny, my x does have a FB account and has posted tons of pics there...all of himself. Seriously, not even one with his wife or friend or anyone else. I didn't even finished looking them all up - come on, after looking at the picture #40 of his handsome self its just gets plain boring, LOL.
Gone
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