The Real End

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
The Real End
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:10am

As most of you know I thought the A ended on Sept 8 but as many of you pointed out the only thing that ended was the physical contact. The A came to a complete end on Nov 15th. Since then we have had NC except for the 2 days we were at work together, that I kept extremely business like. Working with xap is the most excruciating thing for your heart and mind, I survived though and will continue too. I miss being the "special one" that knows all about what's going on his life before he shares it with the greater team, as he had been on annual leave I only knew up to the 15th what he had been up to, what really hurt was him sharing holiday pics with my work mates and excluding hard! BUT I know this had to happen and it's the best thing for both of us. So I am hanging in there and really looking forward to becoming a tweener, my new goal in life!!! So to everyone enduring's HARD, it SUCKS, every minute spent at work is a reminder of the A, unfortunately I still can't look back at the A and see it as anything but a wonderful encounter with a person who I connect with more than anyone else I have ever met. Hopefully in time the "fog" will clear but for now I am taking it one day at a time!! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: Tily6
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:42am

Hi Lily

I know all about the pain of LC because of a work situation. I didn't feel it "really" ended until I left the job I was in. I got by and survived, but it was just too painful to work under the same roof as my xAP. I last exactly 10 months after my 3 year long A with my older colleague.

Thankfully - I haven't been so foggy, I don't believe in any way shape of form that this man was good for me. It was bad news from the word go - despite having some fun times - the whole A thing broke me, mentally and physically.

Just being at work, made me feel like some sort of stalker. I mean when you break up with someone, at least you don't have to see them everyday. but with LC - its like some sort of torture turning up to work everyday. I played the avoidance card - big time - I did everything I could to keep a low profile, calculating every step so I would never be in the same place at the same time as him. I managed to only see him a handful of times in the 10 months LC - compared with several times a day during our A. - so it can be done.

But... heres the question - is it worth it? Can you imaging doing this the rest of your work career? I could not. I could not see myself ever being able to be myself in a work place where he was. I felt dirty, and cheep and worthless after doing the things I did with my xAP. I felt everyone knew - even though they didn't. I hated hiding, but the thought of pretending nothing happened was even worse. I just couldn't face him. So I set a goal for myself - I had to find a new job by september... and I went after it like nothing before - if you just put the amount of energy in your goals as you did into your A, then I believe anything is possible. I found a new job in September, and started my new job in October. I can't say I have never looked back, because in the last day in September was my "real Ending" it was finally over and it was really hard, I fell down a deep hole again, and I started missing him and thinking way too much about him. Anyway here I am, nearly 1 year out of my A, 2 month into NC, and I feel like I did the right thing for everyone. Me, and my xAP. I do not know what hes doing, or what hes thinking or where he is - I never will, I have deleted my e-mail, and changed my phone number, I closed every door I could think of, and while I know that little sh*t will always be in my heart, he is out of my life for good and that actually feel good! I feel like I am turning into a real person, with a real life.

I'm an not trying to say you need to find a new job  - but I do suggest you think about it.


Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 11:12am
Hey Tily, Hope you are feeling more positive today. I have such admiration for those who can implement LC and stick to it. It is hard and it does suck but you are doing so well just stay focused. One day Tily the fog will lift, you won't see it as this wonderous time in your life and you will see this "connection" for what it really is - a fantasy nothing more, nothing less. I felt exactly like you did - exactly. I thought I couldn't live without him. Well I am living without him and I am happy, happier than I have been in a long time. I see it all so much clearer now, and it is JUST a fantasy. You will too Tily, stay strong, stay determined and it will all fall into place - I promise.... (((hugs))) Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
In reply to: Tily6
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:27pm
Tily The others have said it beautifully ! Listen to WGO she did it the proper way. I didnt and it's been hell. I see him most days abd for the first 8 months reported directly to him. I went back in for a second turn. It is all a fantasy. LC keeps you engaged on a level that you don't realise even if you avoid as much as possible. Over time if you stay away from him you will come out of the fog but it takes far longer than those doing NC. Every sighting and interaction affects me adversely. The interactions with colleagues you described burns a hole in your heart. If you can consider a move then do. I should have done and it is my greatest fortune that he is now leaving. WGO describes the daily humiliation I also felt in the weeks after ending. Sitting in meetings with him and literally feeling my skin crawl as memories flashed. That did get better with time but the stress it causes is immense. Our wonderful previous CL Iddy often told of the severe impact LC had on her well being. I know this will all take some time for you to really feel. I fought it for a long while. Everything written on these boards is solid gold and you will come to understand in time. Hugs to you. Stay firm and away from him. Your primary mission is to protect you now - no one else will. And we are here for you always. Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~